May 28, 2009

Time For Goodbyes...

The last of the baby clothes are finally gone. Whew, relief for the newly acquired space I've obtained; but there is a tinge of sadness too. It was so nostalgic going through those bins of clothing, oohing and ahhhing again over the pink ruffles and frills and the cute duckies and baby shoes. I think I had a memory for each outfit, and now my kids are growing, faster than I ever imagined, it was like a gymboree scrapbook! Now all those darling outfits have moved on to other homes, to other kids I love, and who will make new memories in those outfits.

So now reviewing my first paragraph, I think I have come to a realization. I don't think it's the clothes. Maybe it's the fact that I'm closing the door on expanding my family, saying goodbye to never being pregnant again, never holding that newborn for the first time, not seeing that first big smile. It makes my heart sad. Now if you were to ask me at any given point this year if I were going to have more children, you would've received my blanket answer, my heart says yes, but my brain says no. And I can give you quite the argument to back it up, we'd need a bigger car, we don't have the time, financially ludicrous with this economy. Then why is it so hard to convince myself?

Thinking and doing are two different things. Thinking of the bunting babe cooing and sweet and having the screaming babe and lack of sleep are different things. I know my family is complete and I feel very content and blessed. But maybe it's just human nature to always want more. I don't know, it has really stumped me. I suppose I never really had an inkling about how much I would love being a mom. Maybe because I love it so much, I want more of it? I feel so selfish thinking that. There are so many women out there who want that opportunity and never have the chance.

I think now, I've made peace with my longing, and can just let it be a sad goodbye. Closing the door on a chapter of my life. Closing the door that my kids aren't babies anymore. And that's okay too, I'm enjoying every step of the journey. I'm looking forward to a new chapter, not knowing what's on the next page, hesitant but anxious. LIFE IS GOOD.

So long baby number three.

May 27, 2009

What I know for sure...

Oprah always asks her celeb guests this, so I thought I'd sit down and think about what I REALLY know for sure.

  • That God exists and shows his greatness and faithfulness to me everyday if I choose to acknowledge it.

  • That I am not who I used to be, but am still working on who I am to be.

  • That I am consistently amazed and blessed for how much strength I have.

  • That sometimes to my own detriment, but entirely necessary for my sanity, I cannot keep my mouth shut when something is bothering me, or on my mind. The ol' adage "better left unsaid" does not apply.

  • That you can't change people, they have to want it for themselves.

  • If you put yourself out there it pays off 50% of the time, big time, making it so worth it.

  • That taking on others problems and negativity wears on my spirit.

  • That it is most definitely better to give than to receive.

  • That I will never be able to say no to chocolate, um, make that sweets.

  • That I am not attracted to men with mustaches or beards, could be Brad Pitt under that stache, but I'm not having it.

  • I can't sing worth a lick, but wish I could.

  • I am a good mom.

Ask and you shall receive...

Well, poor Gabe had another hard day at Occupational Therapy today. Really it was only his second session, but he screamed and cried the entire time, even with me right there with him. It is not going to be easy, but I'm learning alot. At the beginning and end of each session the kids have to change clothes. We had to bring some play clothes, because sometimes they get pretty messy with the sensory stuff, sand, shaving cream, playdoh, and food. He actually helped us get him dressed which is a good thing, even though he cried through it all. I had expected a full-blown tantrum!

I want to just scoop him up and comfort him when he's like that, but the OT said to wait to comfort until the end of the session, otherwise I'm reinforcing his behavior. He wanted to leave, and couldn't and he was mad. Up to this point holding him tight and rubbing his back has been the quickest way to alleviate the screaming and tantruming. It's going to be a long and loud road from here on. I will be going from a 20 minute tantrum to being fully engaged in what could be up to an hour of crying; for each episode mind you. This is going to require a lot of prayer for strength, but keeping in mind this is progress, hopefully I'll stay on the right track.

I thought that I had resigned myself to the fact that people are always going to give me dirty looks because my two year old is having a complete meltdown in Walmart because he is completely over-stimulated. That they don't know though. There is always going to be someone saying, "control your kid" under their breath, or spank that kid, or that kid is a brat, or the lovely your ruining my Walmart time glare. But I always knew okay 10 more minutes and this will pass; but now what? Is Walmart a thing of the past for Gabe? Maybe. Maybe when I'm a little stronger. I'm not sure if I'm ready to handle that just yet. Moms I really encourage you the next time your in the store and see another Mommy with her kiddies having a meltdown to say something supportive to her. I can't tell you how much that has meant to me in some of the hard moments. A smile, a pat on the shoulder, or just a "hang in there mom", has really made all the difference sometimes.

Paul and I also asked our Speech Pathologist and Special Ed teacher if we could bump up his school district therapy to 2 days a week instead of one. They had to of course confer with the supervisors, because that is basically unheard of. Well, win one for us! Thanks to our awesome speech path. Jenny for advocating for Gabe, he will start 2 days a week next week! I'm lovin' the little victories!

May 26, 2009

When you get to the end of your rope....

"When you get to the end of your rope, tie a knot and hang on."
-Franklin Roosevelt.

Isn't that the truth, I think most of us couldn't let go even if we tried; so we just tie a knot and hang on for dear life. Isn't it funny how life can be so utterly frustrating at one moment and you just wonder, "how did I get here", and the next can be completely filled with contentment and happiness? I hope that's the way God planned it, because it happens to me quite often.

Can you believe I am a blogger now? Much less stressful on the hand than your old standby journal. And, you don't misplace the computer nearly as much:) My reasons for my madness are as such: to find release, to remember, and to document. I enjoy writing, so this was a very natural course for me to take, a good and fast stress reliever. Since I too, am an avid scrapbooker who rarely has the time to scrapbook, I will be able to pull from the blog all those wonderful little memories that won't get forgotten in the day to day. And finally, I want to document our journey with our precious Gabe. Since his autism diagnosis a few weeks ago, I have heard how important it is to journal his progress or setbacks, so here goes.

We are now approaching summer, which came around too slowly and will be gone too fast. As my calendar fills up daily, I wonder when will we enjoy the "lazy" days of summer? But there is always something to fit in, or do. Gymnastics and dance and therapies and appointments. But I plan to make sure we are at the beach as much as possible! It's bound to be exciting no matter what we do! These days are the ones I need to burn into my mind forever and save for the
winter days of 10 below.

Here's to blogging!