The last of the baby clothes are finally gone. Whew, relief for the newly acquired space I've obtained; but there is a tinge of sadness too. It was so nostalgic going through those bins of clothing, oohing and ahhhing again over the pink ruffles and frills and the cute duckies and baby shoes. I think I had a memory for each outfit, and now my kids are growing, faster than I ever imagined, it was like a gymboree scrapbook! Now all those darling outfits have moved on to other homes, to other kids I love, and who will make new memories in those outfits.
So now reviewing my first paragraph, I think I have come to a realization. I don't think it's the clothes. Maybe it's the fact that I'm closing the door on expanding my family, saying goodbye to never being pregnant again, never holding that newborn for the first time, not seeing that first big smile. It makes my heart sad. Now if you were to ask me at any given point this year if I were going to have more children, you would've received my blanket answer, my heart says yes, but my brain says no. And I can give you quite the argument to back it up, we'd need a bigger car, we don't have the time, financially ludicrous with this economy. Then why is it so hard to convince myself?
Thinking and doing are two different things. Thinking of the bunting babe cooing and sweet and having the screaming babe and lack of sleep are different things. I know my family is complete and I feel very content and blessed. But maybe it's just human nature to always want more. I don't know, it has really stumped me. I suppose I never really had an inkling about how much I would love being a mom. Maybe because I love it so much, I want more of it? I feel so selfish thinking that. There are so many women out there who want that opportunity and never have the chance.
I think now, I've made peace with my longing, and can just let it be a sad goodbye. Closing the door on a chapter of my life. Closing the door that my kids aren't babies anymore. And that's okay too, I'm enjoying every step of the journey. I'm looking forward to a new chapter, not knowing what's on the next page, hesitant but anxious. LIFE IS GOOD.
So long baby number three.