I know that life is full of hills and valleys, but it seems as if I've been laying low in the valley for some time. I've been wondering, praying, when the upswing would come. I feel like now my family and I are yet again at another crossroad. So many of those in life. I often sit and make my pros and cons list, weigh my options, hope to navigate the best possible outcome. But now at 33 years old, I have stopped, and am looking at my life and just thinking, this is not my life. I am mourning the life I was supposed to have at 33. I think only just now have I realized that I'm living my dream life, instead of really embracing the life that is.
I have shifted my perception. Why when life doesn't go perfectly, is it bad? Gabe's Autism diagnosis was shocking and momentarily devastating, but not bad. In fact I feel truly blessed that God chose me to be his Mom. I know he wouldn't have done so, if he wasn't going to give me the strength to handle it. I know with certainty that I am here on this earth to affect the diagnosis and treatment of Autism in a major way, if only to be a part of my son's. Haven't quite figured out how yet, but I'm in no rush. Gabe is first priority. Our connections and communication is growing exponentially and that fills me up. In fact, makes me smile; I am smiling now.
My husband and family are at a point in our lives where we could crumble. We could simply throw in the towel. And to some it may look as such. My husband's 10 year run as a small business owner has now come to an end. We can no longer survive in our dwindling economy and can no longer trust the network of associates who are now looking out for number one. We will be saying goodbye to the home where we were engaged, became a couple, and welcomed our two beautiful children to with promises of swing sets and BBQs.
Failure, it would seem. But as I type I am thinking that this has to be God's will. He is steering us to a place where we could not follow on our own, and he is now leading us. I am trying desperately to be obedient to his will here. I am trying desperately not to feel sorry for myself. I am trying desperately to hold it together. And so far, I am. I am not going to fight what I have no control over. That is a frivolous waste of energy.
And so I am thankful: my children and family is healthy, I have supportive friends and family, I am loved, my pantry is full, my air-conditioner is working, I have found peace in my circumstance.
I know this will all pass, a new chapter will unfold, with greater blessings than I could ever dream. I now release my dream, my visions of what should or is suppose to be. I will just be and that is going to take courage. The courage to be me. The courage to hold my head up high and take the failure and mourn it and move beyond it. The courage to be ourselves is so very hard. Be vulnerable. In this state I have found the most love, most encouragement, most grace. I hope when we are back on our feet, I will still have the courage to be me. Courage to share my circumstance without fear of judgement or criticism. I hope I will be able to be a source of encouragement for others, for my children, to show that life is not always by design. We are not in control no matter how strategically we plan or prepared we may be. Curve balls happen, and happen often. But I think I'm finally batting them away.