September 09, 2009

Bye soon?

Today Audrey had her first day of 4 year old preschool. I think I was just as excited as she was. I always loved the first day of school. The nervous anticipation, crisp new clothes, nice white sneakers and unblemished loafers. New teachers and new haircuts and another year older, wiser, cooler?

I'm preparing myself for the first day of kindergarten, I think I'll need to heavily medicate myself so I'm not a blubbering mess. But dropping my daughter off at school today was such a catch 22. I was so proud of her, courageously walking into the classroom and greeting her teacher and classmates. Embracing the old, and meeting the new. She was confident and carefree and I loved that she was my daughter. I felt so much pride at that moment. And then...moments later, after the camera flashes and the excitement settling it was time for me to leave. And I didn't want to go. Knowing she would be fine, I just felt like I could sit there and watch her until 11:30 rolled around. Her whole 4 years flashed within moments and I felt her soft newborn skin to her first step, tooth and word. How did I get here so quickly? How did she grow up so fast? I hate to admit this selfishness inside of me wanted her to run to me, beg me to stay and never let go. When our babes are so little, they need us at almost every moment, and then slowly, day by day, they grow more independent from us. And she's only four, I've still got a lifetime to go.

I just love that little girl and am so proud. I love watching her become who she is to be.

September 02, 2009

A New Beginning

As I write tonight, my heart is so broken. I do have hope and see the light at the end of the proverbial tunnel, but it seems so far off. The last month has been a myriad of revelations, heart wrenching and life changing. My American dream, well, isn't so dreamy anymore. My husband of eight years, today, in fact, and I will be divorcing. He has made choices of which I cannot follow, nor find enough strength to move forward beside him. He will always have my continued support on his road to recovery and my hope is that he will do what is necessary for the sake of his children.

Here again, at 33. Not where I expected to be. I'm trying hard to embrace the fact that I am a single mom now. I hope Paul will find the courage and strength to help me raise these two beautiful gifts from God, because they only deserve the best from both of us. Should that mean just from me, I am willing to take that step. I used to have so many expectations, but now I feel like I'm living more than I have ever before. The wounds are so fresh and deep, and I've no choice but to deal with every thing that comes my way. Procrastination has no place in my life anymore. Sometimes my to-do list seems like cement shoes, and I can't move forward, side or back; but if I can cross one thing off each day, I've accomplished something. Baby steps.

I've had to pack away my Mommy guilt with my belongings. There's no room for that either. I have to focus on my list to DO the best for my kids right now. A few weeks of too much t.v. or snacks will be worth the calm when our life is reclaimed as ours again. Whatever, wherever, whenever that may be. My blog is my soul unleashed, so I feel that these are the things that have been affecting me for the last two months, therefore, I must reveal all. I feel the need to purge. I've purged my material possessions, now I can purge the sadness. I do not want to carry any negativity with me. It will only fester inside me, and allow what I do not want or need to penetrate my spirit. I could sit in a corner and cry and feel sorry for myself. But then I would be missing so much around me. The funny things my kids say, a call from a friend, the joke via email that made me smile. Once again I will reiterate, God is leading me down this path. Never in a million years would I have seen myself here. It is not what I want for myself and kids, but it is my reality. I have prayed so hard for guidance on this decision, and feel at total peace with it. With the Lord by my side there is nothing I cannot do, or that cannot be done.

Here's to a new beginning. My new life. My new labels. Take a deep breath, here we go!

I feel a blog makeover coming soon!