Being a Mom is the single most fulfilling thing I have ever done. It fills my heart and nourishes my soul. It brings me the most immense laughter and joy I've ever felt and can in an instant bring me to my knees, and wits end. Here I am almost a year later from the whirlwind of my circumstances, dizzy, confused, and bewildered. Daily, I climb the mountain a little more, hold my chin a little higher, feel a little less lonely, and see how God is revealing his great plans for me. Often people say, "I don't know how you do it", and often my answer is "I don't do it alone". It is by God's grace alone that I am standing and the love for my kids that keeps me going. Not for a moment will I allow myself to be overwhelmed by despair, because my kids need me, and they deserve a healthy, caring, loving Mother who will walk through fire, face the firing squad, or even make a complete fool of herself (i.e. going out in public after the 5 year old has done my hair, and I can't bear to break her heart by changing it). I WILL take care of me, because my kids deserve that. That elusive “mommy time” you may hear of, yet never get around to, is so very important. We need a chance to miss our kids; we need a chance to remember who we were before them, who we are because of them, and why we need them. If I lose myself when they are young, it will take me all the longer to find myself when they are older. I don’t get a lot of mommy time, but I think at the end of the day, when the kids are in bed it’s okay to read a book, or paint my nails, or scrapbook, or just be instead of doing laundry or dishes or cleaning.
I think most importantly, my kids deserve a Mom who is willing to choose happiness. In my parenting classes (court ordered staple of divorcing parents) we discussed the term "broken home". I loved the study that found children from "broken homes" with parents who are amicable are more likely to be well-adjusted and emotionally stable than children who come from 2 parent households with fighting and name calling who are "staying in it for the kids". For awhile I had carried around some guilt about my decision to leave my husband, but I have followed God's guidance and know without a doubt I did the right thing for myself and kids. I will be able to look them in the eye and defend any action or motive with a clear conscience and say I did all I could honestly. They deserve to see a happy Mom. They deserve a Mother who will parent, not just provide. So now in a week, it will all be said and done, and that chapter will be closed. At least I can see that even though my marriage was a lie, I got two beautiful miracles out of it, and would do it all again because I can't even fathom a world without those two beautiful babies in it. How did I get so lucky? My bank account may be meager, my home, my car, my "stuff" may be sold, but I truly feel like the richest person in the world.
Thanks Audrey and Gabe for letting me be your Mommy, xoxo.
"A mother is a person who seeing there are only four pieces of pie for five people, promptly announces she never did care for pie." ~Tenneva Jordan