October 05, 2010

Whose Life Is This Anyway?

Hi Friends.

I just erased my draft, and am starting over. Previous blog post, to be, if you will, was a catch up on the family, school, etc. Boring. I'll have plenty of time for boring; right now I have a few things to get off my chest. Warning, it may still be boring. I promise nothing.  I have been so busy the last few weeks. It seems like its one thing after another, housing issues, insurance issues, co-parenting issues, and in the midst of it all, the boy decides to potty train. I was near a nervous breakdown. Perhaps had one?  Not sure, to be continued...Things are leveling out though....I will find out this week if the boy will be able to stay in Autism Day Treatment (%^&^ insurance) or be asked to leave. Prayers and positive thoughts welcome, I will go into insurance tangent another day. While I'm waiting to hear from Blue Cross Almighty there are some things I won't be doing....

I certainly will not be eating cookies while watching ThinTervention.

I will not be reading a book while I should be filling out more freakin' paperwork. SOOO glad I won't be doing that!

I would never feed my kids pizza three consecutive nights in a row (their choosing) instead of cooking a nourishing vitamin packed meal.

I wouldn't contemplate some road rage-esque stunt (no Thelma and Louise, just maybe a little Towanda from Fried Green Tomatoes) as I travel my 110 mile trek to schools and back hitting rush hour which equals 3 hours in the car.  Keep watching local news, hopefully mugshot photo will be on a good hair day, although I'd wager ponytail.

I could never even conceive of not calling my friends back, who are just checking in on me because I was feeling too sorry for myself.

Never. But I would find myself often thinking, "whose life is this anyway?” This isn't what I signed up for. I know life never is. I know I've got to weather the storm here, but I've lost me sea legs (arrr). When I am at parent pick-up for school, I see who I used to be. I see the person I was, the one I signed up to be. I see the stay-at-home Mom, with her baby in tow, wonderful husband who just told her to have a night out to herself, beautiful suburban house and weekly play dates with time to volunteer and go to coffee with the other Moms. I used to be her. Now I feel like I'm an outsider looking in to what my life used to be. My sweet little protective bubble in the burbs, burst. My son has Autism, and has an extraordinary time with transition. Me too, maybe I have Autism? I don’t look like I have Autism. {Insert Sarcasm here} I don't know how to be this new person. I don't know how to fill these new shoes, and be a Single Mom, and do it all. I didn't sign up for that and it makes me angry. Angry that someone else made those decisions for me, and I had no say. I had no voice in the direction my life has gone, because someone else was too selfish, someone else always put his needs above that of his family and obligations. Everyday, I think I get better at this, being the new me, picking up pieces of my broken life, and pulling the glue out of my back pocket. The least I could hope for is to get a good high off the fumes of the glue right? Nope, I’m too responsible for that, and it’s not my thing.

So I wonder. Is there anyone out there who is really content? Is that achievable? For your average suburban Mom I mean. I know lives never work out as we plan them; there is a greater power at the wheel. We Mom's work so hard at making our lives "look" perfect, our homes, our families, even ourselves. Only a few extremely strong women I know have willingly put it all out there, and I admire them for that. In fact, I like them more. If I thought back to all the times I apologized for my house not being tidy enough, or my food good enough, or my car, child' behavior, or my unshowered disheveled self running late...again.

I feel I am getting braver. I am going to try hard to be more honest and not so apologetic. Although, I have to say, I’ve put a lot out there in the last year, and it is freeing. That has been a great lesson learned in this experience thus far. Perhaps I should have renamed my blog, Dirty Laundry 101.  Right now, I am what I am; I'm giving all that I can give, my circumstances seemingly dramatic are real, and for that I won't apologize. I have found great support in becoming a single Mom, groups, blogs, networks, you name it; same thing found in being a parent to a child with special needs. I just think that the old suburban "perfect" Me could've used a support group too. Sometimes, even though our circumstances may not seem that bad, heck maybe a bad trip to the grocery store with tantruming kids has almost pushed you to the brink; in that moment, nothing else seems as big. And that Mom leaves the store, screaming child in hand, feeling judged, embarrassed, and maybe even alone.  Or, maybe I just did.

So, I guess this is my life. Correction, no guessing necessary, it is a fact, this is my life.  Crazy, upside down, pathetic. But mine. I make the decisions now where I go from here, and that's a pretty good starting point.

Up a creek without a paddle.  Thank God for the glue in my pocket.


  1. Hi there Cari! I'm visiting from Ingenue Mom when I wrote a guest post there. I'm sorry it's taken me so long to come and say hello... let's just say that life got away from me. You know how it goes... looks like you can relate. ;) Sounds like things have been hectic. I'm glad you're finding good support. And yes, isn't it the truth that all moms need support? Even the ones that seem to have it all together? It's the hardest, most insane, best job in the world... and I probably would have been committed to the nuthouse already (in my 8 short months of motherhood:) if it were not for other mom friends and my new mom friends that I've found through blogging. So important!!! Anyway, I hope you're doing ok and can have peace in the midst of all the chaos. :) xx

  2. Let's talk insurance. I've had a lot of experience in that department. I get that grocery store scenario too :-). Talk soon - Gretchen

  3. I added myself to follow your blog. You are more than welcome to visit mine and become a follower if you want to.

    God Bless You ~Ron


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