April 12, 2011

The Bull and The Backlash: Part II

Well now that I've deep cleaned myself in sanitizer, on with the story. To read part one, clicky.  Might also add this may be a PG-13 rating, at any rate, this is as gritty as I'll ever get. {Sorry or your welcome}

{Disclaimer: I'm a nice girl, not pretentious {much} so in my defense my behavior {sans the bull riding} was not flirtatious or lewd, nor did I invite advancement, my posse will totally back me up on this. For the record, my posse consists of well-spoken, pearl wearing, eyelash curling, 50/50 mini-van driving people who wear heels because they look cute even though they hurt. So don't cross us, we have blisters, and will scratch your eyes out. Totally kidding, we're really nice…but we could…scratch your eyes out...if we wanted to.}

So I just happened to be one of the two single people at the party. Joy. Not that I was disappointed, didn't come to find a man, but every else in the group seemed to make it their mission to find me a "hot guy". Come on married people {I used to do the same thing}, if you're looking to live vicariously through me, I'm afraid you'll be sorely disappointed. Going to the grocery store alone is like a vacation, I play hot wheels and Barbie in most of my free time.  My last hot date was with a load of permanent press.  I also consequently don't need a wingman...what is this? My brother-in-law, took on such role, and consistently asked, "how about that guy, or him, or that one over there, want me to go talk to him for you?" Yes, please brother, and while you’re at it take this hand written note that says Hi, I like you, do you like me? Check yes or no.  And just for the record, I'm not looking to "hook-up".

So here's a list of the usual suspects whom I always seem to attract and did:

Bachelor #1: Mr. Inappropriate

Adored by men, hated by women {when I say women I mean me}. Mr. Inappropriate is anything but smooth. Usually what he lacks in social skills he makes up for with a fat wallet. He has no filter, and feels secure to converse on all topics from my sex life or lack thereof {he is willing to remedy this, threw up a little in my mouth}, job, social life, kids and ex-husband. The more rejection Mr. I. incurs, the more inappropriate he becomes, and will not be satisfied until he pushes you to your breaking point. I am witty, but Mr. I. left me speechless, jaw-dropped and wide-eyed more than a few times.

*Note* Mr. Inappropriate was the other single at the party. Shocking!  He zeroed in on me after receiving some encouragement or blessing from my dear brother-in-law. Like I said, video for blackmail, I have valid reasons, no?  Brother doesn't understand why I don't like Mr. Inappropriate. I think Brother and Mr. I. have some sort of Bromance going and the banter between them is some kind of foreplay. I finally had to pull Brother aside, and may have said something like, “If you don't get that guy away from me I will poke this stir stick in your eye and squeeze a lemon in it." Something like that, don't remember word for word.

"Bachelor" #2: Married Guy

Married guy always notices seconds after introduction if you are wearing a wedding band or not. Married guy just like Gay guy is always cute. Married guy spends the entire night being somewhat flirtatious, but constantly reminding you, "I'm married". Yes, we've established that, are you trying to convince yourself? Married guy can be overheard saying things like, "If I weren't married" and "Why aren't you married".  Mrs. Married guy is usually not at the party, boy she is a lucky girl. {cough}

Bachelor #3: Inebriated Guy

Bachelor #3 is harmless due to the fact that you can out run him or dodge him in a crowd easily. Inebriated guy is rarely persistent as he often recoils back to the bar or wherever he’s misplaced his bong.

Bachelor #4: Toothless, Bad Breath, Smelly Guy {categorized under lack of hygiene}

Toothless often zeros in on his prey when there is no escape route. Time is off the essence, as the victim's eyes start to water and slowly backs away trying to make a getaway. There is a clause to evading this particular Bachelor, cruel as it may be, you must be prepared, you will most likely be trapped in a line 10 people deep with the trainee cashier and a price check. This bachelor is particularly persistent and will not take no 5 times in a row for an answer. Bachelor #4 will undoubtedly make you reach for your tic tacs, brush your teeth for an hour and make a dental appointment.

That is my list. All these usual suspects have a sneaky way of letting fear and doubt creep in to my newly(ish) single brain and say, "is this what's left out there?" {It was a bar after all} They inevitably make you second guess breaking it off with the last guy you dated, he was cute and sweet, hmmm, he wasn't so bad. {I won't settle, I won't settle...}It also makes you nauseated just thinking about how many of these "bachelors" you'll have to deflect to find one of the good guys. I will crawl back under my rock for awhile, let all these bachelors become a distant memory, and try again...someday. 

Or, I will live in solace in a cave in Tibet.


  1. Ugh! Really just ugh.

    The worst part? It's inevitably bachelor #5 that's the decent one. However, bachelor #5 has to go through bachelors 1-4 first. Once you've experienced them, the good ones can only hope that you're not over the whole thing already.

  2. Too funny, and unfortunately SO true. I am riding that new-ish single bus as well. Not only do I seriously question the quality of man I meet today, but I also worry about meeting one who seems wonderful and perfect. Then turns out to be one of "those" guys. With so many perverts in the world today, I am perfectly happy to swear off men for a good long time, if not for all time. I am perfectly happy to just be me and let my daughter be her, without worrying how a relationship will affect her and her life. :-) So loved this post! Your breakdown of the "usual suspects" was spot on, lol!

  3. I attract the loser in nice guy clothing common name narcissistic sociopath.

    I'm sure there's still a few nice ones out there.

    If not mind if I share your cave in Tibet?

  4. Single Dad-What gives, is there some kind of manual out there that tells guys this is okay?

    Angel-I don't mind being single either, I wonder how on Earth I avoid my son becoming one of those guys, ick. When I get my hands on that manual, I'll invite you over the bonfire.

    Non-blogger-Of course you may! I hope the cave has wi-fi!

  5. I blog to connect with people I can relate to. I'm not in a cave but am currently hiding out in the sticks of some remote small town, for real! Found you on MoSD's "For love or Money" Ugh, now how do I deal with having a #5 in my life that is still reeling from the aftermath of his divorce? Timing, it's not working for me. Now you now what my blog is about :)

  6. This is hilarious! Friends have such good intentions but really can make things worse trying to "hook you up" When my now husband and I broke up for a few years... I hated the words "I found someone great for you..." bull crap. If he was that great he would be taken or your would date him.


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