May 10, 2011

Wax No More

I'll skip the pleasantries and get down to brass tacks here. As you are all well aware, there is almost nothing off limits in this so-called blog {and I apparently have no shame}. As most of you women folk know, and maybe some men {no judging here, manscape on} hair removal is painful, necessary and painful. And not to mention painful. My sister and I come from the same gene pool {as far as we know, she is not adopted, we still hold out for hope} yet our abundance or lack thereof in the eye brow department could not be more different. Left to our own devices, we would resemble Bert and Ernie, except we cannot sing as well, are more fashionable and seem to own a hairbrush, unlike those two.

Note: Ernie has no eyebrows. This is my sister. Poor kid.

Mine {brows} on the other hand if left unmanaged would quickly resemble the universally well-known "uni-brow" of Bert. Action is required.

So I usually go into the spa for the routine wax, which I schedule at a time without my children {laughable} and at a time that I will not be going to work or participating in some high security press conference or walking the cat walk or something because of my visibly throbbing red forehead from the hairs being strategically ripped from my face with hot wax. Why even do it you say? This is why I posted the picture of Bert. Nobody takes a uni-brow seriously.

So I may have mentioned in my Bull and the Backlash:I post that I knew the 3 month mark was coming up where I could no longer keep the uni-brow at bay with my little ol' tweezers and dim bathroom lighting. I am not one of those girls {like my sister} who plucks then the brow never returns no sir, brows {and gray hairs} seem to multiply upon plucking. Curse them.

Looking at my schedule, it seemed as though the uni-brow would defeat me this month, I simply had no time. I've seen the threading stores popping up in the malls everywhere, and must admit I was intrigued. They don't paint a blissful illusion though; a High-Def video monitor is playing the whole gruesome procedure out in detail, you know what you're getting into. I was walking past, stopped and decided what the hay {I'm desperate brave like that}. The lady at the desk asked what "removal" I wanted and then said, "Go.Sit" waving her hand at the waiting area. Well okay. A 14 year old girl was sitting there too, and I asked her if she had this done before. She assured me it was as painful as waxing, and I should not worry.

Fourteen year old survived, I heard no screams, and I was next. Fourteen year old gave me the thumbs up and a be brave type smile.  I can only explain threading as the technician using a floss-like piece of string twisting and manipulating it to yank the hair out. Google if you will, not going to post a video, I need some time to forget. So I take my seat. And she goes to work, yikes, ouch, but yes, feels like waxing. But, the good news is, she was done in 2 minutes! What? How can this be?  I thought for sure I'd be there a good 15 minutes. And they looked good too, and no redness, at all, ever. Fantastic, I'm sold. Then this....

"Lay back, I do upper lip." Say what? I've never had my upper lip waxed.

"Do I need that?" I asked.

"Yes, lay back." she said as she pushed me down.

{In this portion of the blog there should be a sexy picture of Tom Selleck and his walrus mustache, but alas, pictures of Tom Selleck don't come cheap, and I don't steal, so you'll have to close your eyes and imagine on this one.  I'm low budget people.}

I was in a whirlwind, what should I do, this was all happening so fast. I think I aged 5 years in the chair. I quickly thought, obviously she wants another 6 dollars from me, and I'll have to return for the same brow/lip protocol based upon my hair multiplicity theory. She's a crafty one. But then I thought what if I really do need this? Have I been walking around looking like Tom Selleck and no one bothered to tell me? My friends laughing at my stache behind my back? How could they do this to me? Then I thought how would I tell them if they were sporting a Tom stache? How does one tell someone that without the inevitable "defriend" on Facebook? Hmm, just as well to let that go I suppose. 

So I made it through the brows like a champ. The lip is a whole other geographical region to contend with. I didn't scream, but may have clenched the chair in shock! Sweet Jesus my burning flesh. No warning, no antiseptic, no drugs, no Novocaine, no time for a short prayer, no warning to brace myself,  nothing. It was over relatively quickly, she handed me a tissue for my watering eyes {they were watering, I was not crying}. I'll have you know I have a very high threshold for pain. {Hah} I sat up and looked at her wondering if she was going to remove my beard or overgrown back hair I couldn't see, but no, whew. I'll be back again, when my uni-brow returns and my mustache comes in 5 shades darker.

Moral of this short story made painfully long, try new things, they might not be so bad, and you might learn something about yourself. {Like you have a mustache, never said they'd be good}  God bless the kindness/greediness of strangers, it's still debatable as far as I'm concerned.


  1. I love threading! And the girls that normally do it are painfully blunt, mater-of-fact, will tell you what you need, love it.

    Here's to new experiences!

  2. Oh my... I had to run to the bathroom this got me laughing so hard!

    You are brave! I have thought about trying them... but I never go to the mall alone. (and I am scared.)

  3. Tom Selleck is still pretty hot actually, stache and all, just putting that out there.

    Don't be frightened my Adventures story in the link above about her "experience" and mine won't seem so bad.

  4. OK, I am laughing so hard my ears are tearing up and I can barely see the screen to type this comment! Most excellent, Cari! As a fellow Bert and Tom-stache girl (thanks, mom and dad for that awesome set of genes), I can feel your pain. I think I'm too much of a wuss to try the upper lip threading. Thanks for the hilarious public service announcement!
    -Angela (aka Caffeinated Autism Mom)

  5. Um, yeah. How awesome am I? My ears are tearing up. Excellent. I meant eyes. Duh. I need help. Or a nap. Or, maybe a drink. ;-)

  6. ANB-sorry my update got slashed, boo. But something else fun on the horizon, emailed you.

    Angela-I actually totally loved the ears tearing up line, I totally take that as a compliment.


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