July 14, 2011

Karma: Don't Play the Player

Disclaimer: Hide your children friends; this is not a family friendly post. It's graphic, and by graphic I mean National Geographic. When I blog at night I get punchy, there may be some momentary awkwardness, but just push through it.

Before I brief you on my lunacy, I just have to share that every time I say the word Karma, I hear that bully kid from the Simpson's, "Ha-Ha" laugh in my head. Chances are you will too now I'd imagine. Ha-ha.

I am going to share a little theory I have with you. Oftentimes as I'm strolling right along through life and something "karmic" happens, I think to myself, "God is that you?” So a little part of me thinks, Karma is God's sense of humor. God likes to play this game with me a lot, but let it be known, I get LOTS of good Karma too, I have excellent parking Karma. I usually get a good laugh, or post out of it as well. And I really like being sassy, and it don't come cheap!  Got to pay the piper people.

So there's God, throwing the proverbial paper wad at me during class whilst I think I am saying something totally brilliant, but in fact...no, not so much. You've all been witness to it. A prime and more recent example for your reading pleasure....

Few posts ago, I kindly {seriously, I was nice}, wished you all a happy Independence Day. I also may have sassed something about you remembering your sunscreen so I didn't have to hear you all whine about your sunburns. Yes, well, I spent a good majority of that long weekend outdoors. Not without my SPF 120 mind you, I'm fair-skinned or maybe mildly transparent, I'm prepared. I haven't had a sunburn in years, I re-applied diligently, and my kids did not get burned. I did. Yes, my shoulders a little, a bizarre strip on my stomach which I'm still questioning, and the mid-region of my back that I can't quite reach except with my fingertips. Curse the single life!  This makes for an interesting looking burn I might say. It looks like something with claws attacked me.

Having a sunburn makes me crabby for two reasons. One, it could've been prevented and two, because the back of my bra strap rubs oh so sandpaperishly across the burned area like glass cutting into my skin! I'd like to tell you I could go without, the bra that is, but I will remind you of this very important mathematical equation:  My Age+2 kids= National Geographic tribal woman gone wild. In fact my best friend and I had a boob show down to see whose girls were in worse shape. {Totally hers! She's had 3 kids, 2 of which are twins, I felt like Barbie for like 2 minutes.} Anyway enough of this, it's getting weird.

Back to the unraveling of the Karmic burn. The pain is manageable after I stop crying and take some ibuprofen. So next on the docket is how to deal with the peeling. Yuck! It would be just grand if I could reach that area and rub some lotion on the mess, we know that isn't happening. My 6 year old tried, with her index finger tip, and since I don't have 5 years to waste waiting for that, I'll deal with it.

Okay, so it's not like my face or arms or anything visible is peeling-I usually wear a shirt. So what's the big deal you ask? Well, I'll tell you!

My friends, this very weekend...I DON'T HAVE MY CHILDREN!!! {Gasp!} I know, I know. {I'll miss them I think} This is like the first time in 3 years! I totally plan on wasting away all my time working sleeping, cleaning napping, and grocery shopping. But I have carved out some time to spend with my bestest girlfriends ...and we have plans.
That's right, like no ponytail, put on some mascara and heels plans. I'm a little excited.

I will get to look cute rather than "Momish". I have an adorable little strapless sundress that I was planning on wearing which will accentuate MY LEPROSY LOOKING NASTY PEELING SUNBURNED BACK!

See what I'm saying here? Maybe Jesus is telling me to dial it down and wear some jeans and a cute shirt? Listen Jesus, it's going to be 90 degrees; I don't want to wear jeans. Yes, I totally just sassed Jesus, could you take a moment and say a quick prayer for me please?

I bet you will all be on pins and needles until my girl's night out post next week. I have already decided I will probably have more than my two drink minimum, which means there will more than likely be a story to tell. Either my heel will get stuck in a sidewalk grate {true story, 22 degrees outside} or, I will post my booking photo as my new profile picture.

Off to exfoliate.


  1. Spray some of that fake spray tan stuff on it. It may work like glue and kind of tack down the peeling skin.

    And I say drink as much as you want, pass out, then get up late afternoon and eat a bag of Doritos. Us single mommies don't get many opportunities like this.

  2. Ha, Like Christina said, and I am waiting on pins and needles to hear the juicy details. Lucky you! Even with God's little joke. But hey, no ring, not married and Hmmm....sunburn in the
    "doesn't have a boyfriend zone" Maybe God was helping you out? Maybe? I think he wants you to wear your sundress :)

  3. Enablers.

    Maybe I'll try spackle. The fake tan spray could go horribly, horribly wrong.

    If you girls lived closer, you could come with me!

  4. Yay girls weekend!!! Have fun! Have some fun for me too!

  5. Yikes I am sorry about the burn! Aloe makes it much better! I hope you have lots of fun! You deserve it! I look forward to hearing about it! Have a great weekend!

    Mama Hen

  6. Exfoliate girl and get out there and rock that sundress. Us moms need to use up the time that we get when we can. I second the dorito comment.

  7. This happened to one of my girls at homecoming time. We went to Sephora and they suggested this cream. I want to say it was called Glow? It was more of light bronzer than a spray on tan and it did the trick. Other than that, exfoliate like crazy.

    Although, it's too late now since you've already had your wild time out. Hope it was fun!

    In my old house, there was a mirror running the length of the bathtub, which is a seriously wrong place to have a mirror, but anyway...One night I was getting ready to take a bath. I'd stripped and was leaning over into the tub to test the water with my fingers. I happened to look up, just at the point, when I was leaning over and I almost screamed out loud at the sight of my tube sock looking boobs. I will never, ever, ever do that again. It was too traumatizing.

  8. Ha ha! There you go :)

    I love the boob showdown part. I don't think I'm too brave to go down that road, though. Well, I guess it'll have to depend on whom among my girlfriends takes on the dare :). I'll make sure I'll feel like Barbie even for a few minutes too.

    Good luck on your night out with the girls. I can hardly wait for your post on that :)

  9. I hope you had an absolutely fantastic time this past weekend!!!! Everyone deserves a little breather.
    My philosophy on the burn thing, I go out on the first hot sunny day of the year, and cook the crap out of myself. Then I use four gallons of super drenchy moisturizer, and voila! I don't have to worry about burning the rest of the summer, lol. Doesn't work for everyone, but I am also prone to the Karmic hellacious burn just in time for an evening out, so I figure lets just get it over with.

    Hope you are having a relaxing week!



Let me know what you think by posting a comment or sending me an email, bubblegumonmyshoe@yahoo.com. I promise not to stalk you if you do!