July 07, 2011

Kiss My Grits Dr. Phil!

Do you know how much I want to blog about Casey Anthony right now? A LOT!!! Talk me down from the ledge people, I am fighting it, but don't know how long I'll be able to maintain silence on the subject. I feel that until I unleash on the absurdity of her baby killing ways predicament, my posts will be hum-drum, dull...boring. {Be advised, I'm not one of those obsessive people who has been watching the trial day in and out, I just have strong feelings on the subject that I feel you need to know.}
So...here is the best I've got, so sad.

Today I was at the grocery store in the checkout line. I chose lane #11 for two reasons, a.) No line and b.) No candy in this lane. Woo-hoo. The check out lad seemed to be in his very early 20's, noting he gets younger and more naive as the story goes on.

Per the norm, the boy starts in on his, "I want a treat", plea. Today, no treat. So I just keep up my dialogue, "sorry buddy, no treat". And thusly repeat. Broken record. Broken record. Broken record.

Now I thought things were going just swimmingly, there was no throwing, no tears, no flailing of appendages, no yelling...well maybe a little more than loud debate going on here. This in my book was fantastic for a 5p.m. {a.k.a. the witching hour} grocery run of necessity. Plus, get this; the boy was actually sitting in the cart! This never happens; I was already having a hallelujah moment. I was about to gift the boy with a gold star, no, halo and wings!

So check out lad and I are chatting, I'm very chatty, but he...he is Chatty McChatterson. And out of the blue he says, "So you know what you need to do about this?"

"This?" I say. Whatever is he talking about? How my groceries are beyond healthy and I should stop being so hard on myself and throw in a chocolate donut? This is where my mind is at this point and time.

Grocery lad: "When your kid is having a tantrum and not getting his way, you're supposed to take something they love away."

Me: "Huh?" Where did this come from grocery lad, initially I liked you, why did you have to ruin it all by giving me parenting advice?  Can't you see I am the perfect parent grocery lad?  Does it not radiate from within? 

Grocery lad: "Yeah, my Mom just saw this on Dr. Phil. If he's having a tantrum, you tell him, dude, I'm going to take away your cars, or truck or legos or something."

Me: "Oh you mean threatening. Yeah, I have a black belt in threatening."

Grocery lad: "Try it, go ahead."

{Now, my temper is rising a tad. Zip it grocery lad. I'm not the kind of girl to drop everything and have a parenting moment on the spot in the checkout lane from the advice of a 20 something, via his Mom, via Dr. Phil.}

Me: "Thanks, I have it under control."

Relentless Grocery lad: "Well Dr. Phil says it works every time and you'll nip it right in the bud after the first time."

{Important to note now that the boy is over said tantrum and has wandered over to view the red box selection with sister. Now this is a NON-ISSUE.}

Me: "Hmm, wish I would've thought of that. You have kids?" Now you all know this is the classic kiss my grits line masked by a polite question.

Grocery lad: "NO WAY!!!"

Me: "Alrighty, oh, never mind the price check on the Mango, its okay." {Why can't I bag faster?}

Grocery lad: "Well my Mom says..."

At this point I decide to play the Autism card, if only to shut him up. Usually the Autism card is good for silencing "well meaning" advisers and meanies.

Me: "He has Autism...dude."
Grocery lad: "Ohhh, my Mom works with Autistic kids!"

Of course she does.

Thanks for making EVERYONE the expert Dr. Phil!

We all receive unsolicited parenting advice from time to time.  From this very blog in fact on some occasions!  Have you every had a "kiss my grits" parenting moment with a relentless by stander?  Do tell.

 I might even get brave a little later and reveal my throw down moment with another Mom on the playground.  That's right, I can get scrappy...


  1. I'd love to lob a ripe mango at Dr. Phil's shiny scalp.

    I also chuckle when I receive parenting advice from folks with no kids, they are only only experienced at raising miniature schnauzers.

  2. Hahaha! I would derive utter pleasure from wringing Grocery Lad's neck! My, is he relentless!

    My blood pressure simply rises to atmospheric heights whenever i get unsolicited parenting advice- and from old maids too! To avoid bloodshed, I try my hardest to subtly steer the conversation away from parenting. But I'm still seething with anger inside!

  3. I can't wait to see when grocery lad gets his 16-year-old girlfriend pregnant and they have to live in his Mom's basement with nothing to watch but Dr. Phil (and his beautifully tuck-pointed wife, Robin). Will see how long he lasts before his girlfriend starts burning him with cigarette butts for every time he uses the phrase, "Well, my Mom says...".

  4. "Kiss my grits!" I love it Cari. I have to say, I'm guilty about giving advice. Especially to a co-worker/friend who has high-school kids. It is interesting how people with a theory say more than the people with experience.

    I'd like to get together sometime and catch up.

  5. well my mom says.... you are awesome!!!

    I've never really received unsoliceted parenting dvice except from my dad (who I usually just tell to go away). I think I have that "leave me alone" look.

  6. You should have smacked him on the head and tell him you nipping his rude behavior in the bud right away like Dr. Phil said.

  7. You tell Dr Phil to give AUNT SUZI a call. I'll straighten him out......Oh, dr. phil called....he says "Never Mind". :)
    love you!

  8. Dr. Phil, Dr. Oz and Oprah seem to have all the answers to life's problems. How did we ever survive before they came along!?

  9. First of all...Any of you amazing parents can give me unsolicited parenting advice anytime. And, you all make me laugh :)

    Secondly, I think we are all in agreement that Dr. Phil and his "Phil-isms" have to go. We could take action, like a gang of sorts. By Dr. Phil's shuffle, he may seem "slow", but I have a feeling he might be a biter. He looks like a biter. And then we have his skinny wife to contend with and she may have cat-like ninja skills, or a 300 pound bodyguard. Also, he is friends with Oprah, and we don't want to get on her bad side, then making our gang her least favorite things.

    Third, my email is jacked up and I can't email you responses because it's been updating for half and hour and I have things to do besides sit on the computer.

    @Beard- Lob away, I'm a bad shot and that would just be a waste of a good mango. Also you could probably best advise {being the commenter with the most facial hair, besides me} that Dr. Phil's stache is indeed pervy and must go.

    @Pepper-Bloodshed, love it. Why does the unsolicited advice bother us so? My experience with old people is 60/40, either they are granny and pop-pop nice, or nasty! I used to get stopped by old ladies relentlessly and scolded about getting my daughter's ears pierced.

    @Kara- Love this. But I bet girlfriend is 15, which makes it even more scandalous! They'll be booked on the fall season, and Dr. Phil will be putting them in boot camp or something. Grocery Lad does at least deserve a poke in the eye.

    @Therese! I miss you! It doesn't seem like that long ago we were preggers and scared out of our minds from Jeanie's uterus puppets. You just can't visualize and breathe deeply when all you want is a snack! I say 7 year b-day reunion...kidless:)

    @Oh Suzi, I love you! I know you have my back:)

    @K,ANB-My Mom probably actually agrees with Dr. Phil. I think I just need to stop smiling at people, it gets me in more trouble!

    @Nessa- You're funny! That would've been perfect. A head thumping would've probably landed me in the employee lunch room with security and on the 6 o'clock news. Snapped.

  10. I'm laughing so hard right now! This is a perfect post! The only way it could have been more perfect is if it had ended with chatty McChatterson having a grapefruit hurled at his head...by you or other passersby, I'm not picky!

  11. What do I have to do to get you to bring on the scrappy??

    I have stories to swap, too.


    The woods is full of the crazies.


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