July 26, 2011

Whatchoo Talkin' 'Bout Willis?

Hella Crossroads
I'm back. I had a small break and found some clarity  Plus, circumstances are such that I need to be blogging right now, I'll call them divine intervention and leave it at that. Are you dying to know why I was gone? Well, I probably won't tell you, and here's why....




Scene:

I meet my friend {F:} at the park, our kids scamper off to play.

F: I read your blog.

Me: Oh, you read my blog, you're so sweet. Blah, blah, blah, yada, yada, blog, blog, me, me, etc.

F: Shut up. Seriously, tell me what's going on?

Me: I'm just feeling overwhelmed I guess. I have a lot of decisions to make and things aren't going exactly the way I had planned, but what's new, right?

F: Like what things?
Me: Oh, it'll be fine, everything will work out I'm sure. So, how's the bambino?
 F: Cari, you are so aloof!
Me: What did you just call me?
{I might have momentarily made fun of her for using the word aloof, and deflecting the comment far, far away from me...aloof-like.}
Time ticked away at the playground, and in between, "Mom, watch me" and the "oh my gosh where did he go?" statements here and there; my friend called me out.
When it comes to friends, I am as caring and loyal as they come; I've got your back and such, and I'm pretty darn supportive too. She obviously knows this, and knows I love her dearly. She also knows I am always open to differing opinions, and am not too proud to admit when I'm wrong. She also knows I'm not violent and wouldn't hit a pregnant lady, using this to her advantage I'd say.  Did I mention she's also very sass-tastic? Perhaps this is why we get along so well.
F: I love you, but you are kind of emotionally detached.
I can seriously do this face, Arnold and I both
have the chubby cheek curse.

Me:  How am I emotionally detached? I am a weepy bawl bag 50% of the time! Hallmark card...cry. Jane Austen...cry. Old people's WWII stories...cry. On time for work...cry. Injustice, good music, peace and love...CRY! And don't get me started on that movie Rudy, seriously, I'm about to start crying right. now. Alright, continue, make it quick, I'm tearing up and stuff.
F: I don't mean you're not emotional; just that you are obviously uncomfortable discussing how you feel. And you're hard to read, just sayin'.  Blah, blah, blabbety, blah, oh I'm soo pretty, blah, blah, I can eat anything I want, blah, blah, my husband is the greatest, blah, blurp, check out my cute baby bump, BLAH.
{Something about a "wall" was mentioned, I've heard this term somewhere before. Perhaps my Therapist debriefed her and they are in cahoots! So much for client confidentiality...traitor.}
Me: Crap.
She is right and I know this. It is one of my biggest challenges to open up about how I feel when I'd rather just keep it to myself and figure it all out. I tend to take the emotional "stuff" out of my decision making process, which can be good and bad.
Does this mean I'm going to have to do a little more emotional blogging? Maybe, if I can convince myself. This friends is a hard pill to swallow. I'm super touchy-feely, and tell pretty much everyone I love them; "Hi, nice to meet you, and by the way, I love you." Does this count for nothing?
A hard lesson learned, and still learning, as a single Mom, is to ask for help when I need it. And not necessarily that I even need any help right now, per se, {hush all of you, mental does not apply} but maybe I just need to unload the stress. How long can I, or any of us for that matter, flounce around like we have it all under control, but really, we're just barely hanging on? Sometimes it just feels good to say things like this...
Autism exhausts me.  I want to seriously light a bonfire and burn the paperwork.
I am still a little resentful that I am even divorced, because this is NOT what I had planned.
Am I making the right decision?  And repeat.  And repeat.
Then there are those entire two steps forward, one step back moments that can take a flying leap as far as I'm concerned.
Finally, dear Lord, how much longer do you have to teach me patience and perseverance; I get it, I promise, really I do.
I discovered a few things at the park that day:
1. This is why I struggle to write about Autism, it makes me very uncomfortable.
2. I'd prefer to stay emotionally detached than feel like I'm complaining, because I don't have it that bad, and I don't want you to feel sorry for me; I'm just venting.
3. I should probably pay my friend for this little Therapy session, or she should go back to school and make this whole psychological genius thing legit, or she could just take over Dr. Phil's show and kick his bald ass to the curb.



28 comments:

  1. I can totally relate to being emotionally detached, my problem is I am emotionally detached and not touchy feely. I think it has to do with the OCD I'm not sure. La-la gets hugs and kisses all day, but that's different, lol. Sometimes it is necessary to work things out without outside "help". Your friend is right though, we all need someone to talk to, internalizing it all isn't healthy. I am currently working on that very thing. I'll let you know how it goes. :-D

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  2. Your friend is awesome and you are so lucky to have have someone like that in your life.
    As for whether or not to blog about these things, maybe you shouldn't if it weirds you out. Maybe you can just journal about them at home privately. Or even create a separate, private, blog that lets you do this as well. Just a thought. Some times it's good to have separation.

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  3. I knew if I stalked you, you'd come back.

    Here's the thing, Ms. BGOMS. Circumstances teach us to never lean on anyone and to depend solely on the only person we think we can depend on. That's how we turn hardcore. BUT I've learned that I can't do THIS myself no matter how hardheaded I make myself or how much I hate asking for anything.

    I relate to your post because I've been thinking a lot about the happy face I crayoned on. I'm figuring out that I look like scary joker and I'm literally tired of pretending it's all gravy.

    And that's ok. Lean on the people who are there for you. Don't worry about what you can't change, and keep it moving forward. You got this.

    Fist bumps and other unemotional stuffs,

    C (and call me sometime.)

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  4. Um yeah. It gets kinda old driving on the unplanned road without a map.

    I'm so glad to have found this online community of Autism Moms (and Dads too). I finally feel like I have a place where it's okay to vent, relish in something good, or even be a tad psycho and everyone understands.

    So, write what you like. We're all here on this unplanned road together. I'll bring the trail mix.

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  5. AnonymousJuly 27, 2011

    You also forgot: blah, blah, blah, ice princess, blah, blah, I told you so.

    Good thing I love ya.

    {F:}

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  6. Thanks everyone! Most awesome words of wisdom! Golly, makes me all warm and fuzzy and emotionally attached and stuff. Look! I'm growing.

    The great thing about blogging is that you do find a common thread with other people in similiar situations and all your other "baggage" doesn't get in the way; like ex husband corpses and stuff. You heard nothing, you saw nothing.

    Glad to seriously call some of you friend. Blog friends are real friends right? Totally.

    Angel, check, now I will email stalk you.

    MutantSupermodel, I know we've really only known each other for a short time, but I think we'd get along pretty well, I'm not model-ish in the least, and can be very mutant-like.

    Christina- Word. So right on with the joker face, love it. I'm going to call you...then what? Well, you'll have to move to the city, that's what! We could do a blair witch vlog together, we'd rock it. I have to lay off the vlogging for awhile.

    Kara- By the looks of your cute freakin' cakes, I bet you make great trail mix {and Margaritas}. I'm just going to bother you until we have a drink one of these days and unload on the Autism Gods.

    {F:}- Dear, sweet, F. Why the anonymity, hmmmm? Afraid these people will stalk your right-on braininess? Maybe you just don't want to admit to anyone we hang out. Yeah, that's not it. Because as detached as I am, I'm the fun one, seriously. I'll pay you in babysitting coupons. Printing now. Love ya.

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  7. Being emotionally detached is our defense mechanism, yes, I said OUR. I can totally relate to you, Cari. Single-momhood is really difficult, but we are made of tough stuff. I also hate people feeling sorry for me, so I won't tell you that to your face :).

    Catharsis does help, so just vent all you want.

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  8. Pepper- Exactly! Really when you think about it, we have no other choice. Divorce, single-parenthood, whatever; there is no time to lay around and cry all day because we have children to care for. Somebody's gotta do it. I bet you've written something Pepperiffic about this, haven't you? I will check your archives.

    And seriously, out of all these comments, (which I love) why do I only have 2 of your emails? You kids and your wordpress, yeah, I'm jealous.

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  9. HI Cari, I'm glad to see you back. I was going to miss you, but didn't have time,ha. I totally get what your sayin'
    Yep, it's not all under control. Good points on the comments. I can't figure out what to share on my blog either have the time. Your gift is that you make light of situations that can be heavy. Which is refreshing if you tend to be all heavy like I am. Who wants to read that? I'm off to read your guest post.

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  10. Glad you're writing again. Take opening up a bit at a time. A paragraph here and there... maybe a post every so often. See how it feels. You have a nice friend there that knows you really well.

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  11. One little note on the subject of: "Finally, dear Lord, how much longer do you have to teach me patience and perseverance; I get it, I promise, really I do."
    If you're asking, you're not quite there yet. The moment you forget about this reality, then you're really getting it. God is always teaching us patience and perseverance. the keywords in the Bible are: "Be still, and know that I am God." When in doubt, repeat. It is a hard lesson to learn though. I have about as much patience as an unemployed physician. I am learning to take my time, though....On blogging, the reason I don't blog, is because of all of those things that as soon as you've said them, you wish you hadn't. Way too many times in my life.....but you go, girl.

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Let me know what you think by posting a comment or sending me an email, bubblegumonmyshoe@yahoo.com. I promise not to stalk you if you do!