August 31, 2011

A Beautiful Mess


Does the way we respond to the bad times/moments in our lives mirror that which we really are? I don't know. I guess it depends on the situation, or the response, and what would be considered “normal”, if normal exists, which I believe it doesn’t. We aren't all Grace under fire or an erupting volcano. But chances are you've felt pain that hurts to the very depths of your soul. The kind that makes you short of breath, your chest tight, and tears stream uncontrollably down your face. One person’s pain is not greater than another’s; the circumstances which caused it are only different. We've all felt that kind of pain that cuts into our soul and wounds you. You know not how, when, if you will heal; but almost always certainly a scar will remain.

 Sometimes being hard as steel, makes you cold as steel. Hard not to do one without the other. And you give all appearances of being fine. Or maybe you are fine. What gets me through the hard times is knowing God will not let me fall. In him I have so much trust, that I know he will always provide a way. Not always the path I would choose if it were my decision, but his roads lead to more glory than anything I could imagine.

 The last 3 years have been an awakening for me. What used to matter doesn't anymore. It is very freeing when everyone around you knows your life has crumbled to a million pieces. Why? Because I had nothing to hide, did not have to pretend everything was okay; I was totally exposed. When you're exposed and vulnerable you can recoil or you can let people help you. You can let God help you.  Grace is always there if you are willing to receive it. 

I allow myself more mistakes, some pity every now and then, the right not to be perfect; but just to be me. When your life goes to you know where and back, you learn quickly what you are made of. You learn to rely on yourself, and maybe discover that you aren't so bad. In fact, you kind of like yourself. At least I do. If you read my blog you know I am having an on-going love affair with myself. No, not because I'm perfect; but perfectly flawed in so many ways, without which, Cari would not be. I'm not so much concerned with "fixing" my flaws anymore. Now I just breathe in and out, close my eyes and be. Well, and I drive a lot too, so there is that.

My friend Shelly wrote this beautiful post about me, and it made me cry. And I'm not going to make a joke, because everything she said is true. Ahem. As I read it, it made me proud. Proud because I did accomplish those things. I have heard people say it, "you are so strong", but maybe I just had to read it to believe it.  My strength is not mine alone, because God has been holding me up the entire time. Sometimes to feel that complete trust in God, you have to reach the bottom; where no one but him can pull you up. Then it doesn't make all the bad seem so bad, but rather a blessing, a great magnificent blessing that heals old wounds and makes you view the world and faith in a whole new light. Or sometimes, it takes a friend like Shelly to show you just how special you are.

Surviving may be my greatest victory in this life. I am certainly not destined for fame or fortune, nor do I want it. This blog is a sum of all my crazy parts: I am not a top-notch fact spewing Autism blogger; just living with it. I'm not a single Mom advising you to do AB&C to get on with life after divorce; but I did. I am no poet, nor do I say anything profound. Truth be told, I am a sasstastic disaster, a storyteller about waxing, sweaters and mechanical bulls. And that kinda makes me happy. Life is too short to be writing about the past, why when you can write about the most delicious cheese you've ever had! {Oh yes, cheese}

My friend, you are a beautiful wonderful blessing in my life.  Your words lead to action and inspiration.  Thanks for being you.


9 comments:

  1. What is so cool Cari is that in the time I've been reading your blog you have shared so much,"now". You always give God credit and you are always choosing to walk on the brighter side. There's just as much chance of you getting bubblegum on your shoe on the bright side of the street, but at least on the bright side you might see it, or not, but at least you can see the bottom of your shoe, haha! And you have the warming rays of the sun. And that's what you are like. Rays beaming and warming like the sun! I treasure you!

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  2. Life is always better once you fall in love with yourself. In spite of or because of you being the best you that you can be and happy about it. Took me 30 years to figure that out.

    Wonderful post by your friend. And you're right. Everything she said is true.

    You inspire me.

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  3. You speak the truth, Cari. And it is beautiful. God has led my family down some paths that were painful, but we are all better in so many ways from our journey.

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  4. You are such a role model... a real mom putting one foot in front of the other and your kids right before that. And you do it all honestly, grace and cheese on top! Love it.

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  5. OKAY! Now I'm crying. Onward and upward my friend... one deep breath at a time. BEING in the moment is better than any past or future... because once it's gone, it's gone. LOVE YOU! In a loud Pamela voice, "YOU SO NICE!!!!!!!"

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  6. Pure, unadulterated Cari... you can be my life coach anytime.

    I can totally relate to the chest-tighetning pain. They say we never heal... we just get used to the pain.

    This is a very inspiring post. God's way of speaking to me, as I was having a really bad day yesterday. Thanks for reminding me to trust in Him, Cari. Oftentimes, I am obsessed with controlling my life so bad, that I forget that a Supreme Being is taking care of that already.

    Maybe I too should start loving myself more, embracing my imperfections and all...

    Hanging tough, Cari! sing with me now...

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