August 02, 2011

Not To Toot My Own Horn

"Mom that sounds like the roadrunner!"

Do you want to know what sounds like the roadrunner's, "mmeeep, meep"?

My broken-ass car horn, that's what! 

Seriously, how embarrassing could this be?  How does a car horn even break?  Or half break, because it's not fully incapacitated. Is the inevitable next phase of the breakage this?

That scene from Little Miss Sunshine, makes me laugh so hard, which is why I can't really be all that upset about my horn.  Although, never, ever in a million years would I wish that to happen to me.  I am petrified that it will get stuck now because of this movie!  But I don't drive a VW van, so I'm hoping that rules out the stick-age.  I also have no intention of fixing this problem, because really I should be saving for my my kid's college fund going to the liquor store.

Nonetheless, this horn situation poses a problem for me because I am a horn honker.  That doesn't sound quite right, but how else do I word this?  I am not a rude, lay on the horn type driver, just a friendly, beep-beep-lights-been-green-turning-yellow-let's-go kind of driver.  I may give a little added horn time if you almost side-swipe me and leave me paralyzed on the side of the road with 9 inches of snow in a blizzard.  But beyond that, I'm a pretty well behaved driver.

So I've been avoiding honking my horn, because it seriously sounds like something from Sesame Street or some kind of clown car; and well, that's a tad humiliating.  It's bad enough that I am already probably swerving while screaming at my kids to "knock it off", while throwing popcorn or something to the back seat, or saying, "give me that", while blindly curling my arm around the seat, Cirque du Soleil style, reaching for arms, legs or whatever resembles my cell phone on which the children have cold called my gynecologist, again. 

Probably a good thing I'm not going to be popping out anymore chicklets anytime soon, because my OB/GYN, being the top of my contact list, A, gets more Bubble Gum kid cold calls in a week than I'd like to own up to.  Yeah, that's right, and I get the call backs because they mistake the shuffling and screaming for some poor lady giving birth on the side of the road.  Note to self, find new OB/GYN, might be awkward on next visit.  I should send flowers or chocolate to the reception gals.  I can see it now, I call to make an appointment and of course my favorite Doctor is booked for 7 years straight.  Then I'll have to settle for the old guy, and I mean like should have retired 20 years ago old,  Father Time old, you're still here? old, still says, "relations" old.  Shudder.  Calling florist tomorrow, changing OB's name in contact list to something with "Z". 

I believe car horns are a necessary luxury in society.  I miss it.  I guess I never realized how much I used it until I couldn't anymore.  I honked at a lady 6 times today, and the light turned red mind you, before she realized I was honking...or that the sound she heard was a horn...from a car, my car, who I will refer to as Lexus, because she likes to look pretty too.

So what category do you fall into?

A.)  I never honk, it's dangerous and I might get shot.

B.)  I'm a leisurely honker, only use it when necessary.

C.)  Red Alert...Road Raging car honking machine.

D.)  None of the above, because I bike, run, skydive, or canoe to work.  {But I'm not naming names}


  1. Oh, I will honk at you in a hot minute if you're slowing me down in the morning, because I AM RUNNING LATE FOR WORK AGAIN!

    I think your horn sounds awesome. I want a clown horn. There's got to be a market for that.

    You could file your OB under T, for many things...twat, taint, tits, t-bagger (for the old doc)...

  2. First of all, Little Miss Sunshine is my all time favorite movie and that scene with the horn still totally cracks me up. Also the SuperFreak dance pretty much rocks.

    I was thinking maybe put the OB under V- for Vaginator. Although Flannery's t-bagger suggestion made me snort loudly.

    I am one of those people that honks too late. Like way after you've pissed me off and then I'm like damn HONK. I drive a little Tiburon though so I'm guessing that no one takes the horn very seriously when I do get around to it.

    I think you should do a vlog with just your horn. Otherwise how do we know it really sounds like a clown car hmmmm?

  3. Wow, a post gushing with honker talk and Dr. Vaginator and stuff. Maybe file him on your phone under "D" for Dr. Grampie Va-Ga-Ga?

  4. I"m a C :) ... I honk like crazy, except when I'm driving past a hospital or church.

  5. Thank you, my friends, for the laugh. It looks like "V" will be the most logical choice, which then puts my BFF, Alison, at risk for cold calls, but I'm okay with that. She always yells at me for not calling enough anyway.

    ALSO, maybe I'll replace all the names with nicknames in my contacts list, for example, Crow Killa, etc.

    Have I not embarrassed myself enough with the vlogging?

  6. I'm dying over the vaginator! Hilarious! I'm a cross between B and C. I have tried to calm down my road rage over the past couple of years because my boys with autism are little copycats. You haven't lived until you've heard your sons mimic you yelling at other drivers. Thank God I don't swear (out loud)! Every so often I have to lay on the horn because some idiot pulls a stupid card out of his behind while driving. That's when I make my hubby nervous. I've been known to lay on the horn for a full minute. Yes, it can be that bad. Maybe I need to practice breathing exercises or something. Deep breath. Happy thoughts. Maybe my hubby needs to buy me a semitruck horn for my car. That would be awesome.

  7. I'm not a honker. I'm more of a pull up beside you in my Mustang, give you a disdainful head shake, drop the car down into 4th gear, and then let you taste a lil road rage dust. lol

  8. @Angela- Yes! Semi horn would be amazing:). So true with the scripting and the kiddos, that is when I turn wheels on the bus up louder, if only for a moment. Or I say things like 'cheese and crackers' or 'really?'. Thank goodness for horns, they are good stress relief.

    @Dean- I totally get where the $28 child support check is going now...Mustang payments.

  9. Hilarious!!! I so had that problem in the last car I owned, now I have one that I have to warn people not to open the back (because the stupid thing won't close, ever). I always wanted to get one of those horns that make the AAAUUUUGHA sound. Thought it would be a riot.

    Lala calls people ALL the time, I am all for her playing with the ABC and 123 apps on my phone, she learns and she has fun, but her punk behind figured out how to close them and open new stuff a long time ago. UGH! She is too smart for me sometimes. Lol

    I am a sometimes honker, but I will death look you in a second if you drive like a moron. Especially if you are on the phone, grrrrrrr.


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