September 12, 2011

Macguyver Monday

Good Morning friends!  I am interrupting my regularly scheduled post, about cheese, to bring you this particularly fantastic Monday morning story.  I know, you're totally distraught about the cheese thing.  They way I've been talking it up and building momentum, you'd think it would be pretty darn spectacular.  No, afraid not,  goes something like this, cheese....mmmmmm.  Yeah, so I'm sitting myself down to quickly write this post and fill you in thus far on my day.  Note, it's only 9:38 a.m., a lot can happen in the Bubble Gum household betwixt the hours of 6 and 9. 

Also, for the record, I'm pretty calm, I haven't swore all morning, and I still haven't had a cup of coffee.  Right.  Excuse me while I get on that.  This could be part of the problem.  I better remedy the situation before my computer implodes or the gang of crows outside my window decides it's the day to take me out...they are staring at me, I swear.  Also my nails are so long, I'm having trouble typing.  I know, I'm a train wreck.

I'm just going to outline it for you, as to save you the agony, alrighty, here goes:

5:30  Alarm goes off.  Annnnd...nothing, I don't get up.

6:00  The other alarm goes off, you know the one that sounds like this..."Mom, mom, mom, mom, mom".

6:05-6:45  Kid maintenance, dressed, fed, brushed, make lunches, you know the drill.

6:45-6:50  I call the bus company and tell them DQ will not be riding the bus.  After careful consideration, I have decided to take her school from here on out.  The bus comes at 7am, school doesn't start until 7:45 {who knew}, and we only live 3/4 of a mile from school.  Silly if you ask me, however, I'll be cursing my decision come winter.

6:50-7:00  Meditate.  I need it, it's the boys first day of 'regular' preschool.  I need to calm my nerves without usage of vodka or some kind of pill or something.

7:15-7:30  In gathering the children's things for school, I remember it's picture day.  I promptly have the DQ change outfits, attempt to do something else with her hair, which only involves changing the pink bow to a blue one; and fill out the paperwork for pictures.

{Small tangent.  I hate that you have to pay in advance for photos that aren't even taken yet.  And they don't come cheap.  And seriously, who pays to get their kids photo airbrushed?  If you're doing this, we need to talk, or we can't be friends anymore...I'll miss you.}

7:35  In the car, off to school, drop off DQ and start preparing the boy for his bus ride in an hour to his new school.

7:55  Decide it's a good day to drive-thru and get a $9 cup of coffee, little treat for myself for being Mom of the Year.  Wait in massive line, apparently there are many Moms/Dads of the year. Only after placing my order and becoming blocked front to back in the drive-thru line, I realize I left my wallet sitting on the couch from writing the darn school picture check.  Blasted school pictures!

8:00  Apologize profusely to Barista, who obviously sees I'm a moron, as I tell her I could give her approximately $2.13, a handful of crusty almonds and a half pack of gum from the bottom of my purse in trade.  Thought as much, no coffee for me. 

Ask if she might take the boy as some kind of collateral while I go home and grab my wallet; but they'd probably give him an espresso and I'd go to jail or something.  Just for the record, I don't think I'd survive jail, just sayin'.

8:10  Back home, clean up, play with the boy.  I think I actually contemplate taking a shower at this point, but don't.  I should've filed down my crazy long-ass nails!

8:45  Walk upstairs out the door to wait for the boy's bus and realize upon closing the door that I have LOCKED it.  Important to note, I am key-less and phone-less, none of which would be particularly helpful at this point anyway.  Hidden spare somewhere outside you ask?  Absurd, I'd never lock myself out!  Ha!

8:53  Get the boy on the bus and circle the house in hopes of an open door or window.  Crap. 

9:00  I take a short walk to devise a plan.  Besides, the crows are making me nervous, I think they know.

9:30  I break into my house.  I will not say how, because that's just giving all you stalkers out there a winning lottery ticket.  But amazing what you can do with a rope, branch, sand shovel and Barbie leg.  That's right, I'm good.  Call me MacGuyver.  P.S. Nothing is broken or needs to be repaired!

I am pretty proud of myself.  All the sneaking out as a teenager paid off.  I'm not divulging any great secrets here, I got caught, a lot.  But each time it only made me smarter, and well, grounded longer. 

Thank you Jesus that I don't work Mondays.  Now wish me luck on the next few hours.


  1. Just as I am about to comment here my email notifies me that you have just commented me!! Ha,read it after I get done here and all I wanted to say is I'm exhausted( trying to figure out how...never mind) and I'm going to gulp my coffee down now and then I'm going to think about how happy I am that you don't work today and then about how I wish I could be a little mouse hanging around just to see how you do stuff!!!

  2. I HAVE to know how you did it. Consider helping us losers that have to smash stuff to get in after locking ourselves out. (And by "us losers" I totally mean "me loser".)

    You are too darn funny and smart for your own good. Makes me wonder why you're even friends with me.

  3. Phfew.. I'm tired from reading about your morning. It seems vaguely familiar but with different people involved...maybe myself. LOL.
    Glad you got back in the house and sorry about the coffee mishap.
    I agree paying for picture BEFORE you seee them is CRAP. Especially when you have a AD kid that HATES pictures!! You should see Lilly's Kindergarten pix...WOW!

  4. Four thoughts, go:

    1. MacGyver was the best show growing up! Any man that can make a bomb out of duct tape, paperclips and a dead squirrel tail is a hero in my book. So is a mom that can burglarize her own home with a Barbie arm and rope.

    2. Who cut the cheese?

    3. Please tell me more about this, and where can I purchase some? For medicinal purposes, of course: "6:50-7:00 Meditate"

    4. Agree on those school pictures being a racket. "Honey, I love you, but not enough love to justify tossing out $15.99 for a 1"x2" stamp with your bangs looking like they were styled by a blind baboon with ADHD." Of course, I was the one that combed her bangs that way, so shouldn't complain.

  5. Cracking up! Again!
    I'm so glad someone invented the blog.
    And, I'm so glad you found it.

    love ya!

  6. You all make me crack up, I love it! Shame you all gave me your e-mail addresses to I can harrass you on a more personal level.

  7. Wait, Shelley, her Royal Sassiness, {LOVE that} you are going to have to remedy this e-mail situation here...don't be afraid, I'm very nice...most of the time.

    And those picture people are the only ones who can get my son with ASD to smile! How? I can't even get him to look in my general direction. Probably the same magic used for those hospital baby pictures; they must poke them or pinch them or something.

  8. Again I am laughing so hard I could cry. I feel your pain about locking yourself out of your house, I've done it a few times. I even (unknowingly) locked my poor pup in the car when we stopped for gas. I was totally not aware that if the car was running the doors auto-locked, stupid SunChicken.

    Picture day has got to be the biggest rip-off I have ever seen. My nephew is forever coming home with those give me money forms, it is B.S. Remember when it was just end of the year photo's? Now they do it like 3 times a school year, for what!! I could take better pictures that they do and they would be f.r.e.e.

    I hope little man's first day of for real school went well! :-)

  9. Oh my Lord Have Mercy! Just reading this stressed me out so badly. You didn't cry? I would have been blubbering, blubbering like a baby. Especially without the coffee. And congrats on the MacGyver skills. I wouldn't have even be able to locate the rope in the garage, thanks to the big, baby tears, blinding my eyes.

    And by the way, oh how I love cheese. You can talk about cheese any ole' time, in my book.

  10. Now I can't get that MacGyver theme song to stop playing in my head... I used to love every episode back then...

    Oh, I see the crows are still there.

    This post gave me a much-needed mood pick up. thanks :)

  11. And this, my friend, is why people like us always need a steady supply of whiskey in the house. In your case, the car as well. Here's to hoping for a much easier Tuesday!

  12. Hilarious! You are so much more MacGuyverific than I am. I would have been left for the crows...that would not have been pretty. Now, go get yourself a much deserved cup of coffee and trim those daggers (that's my husband's term for long nails). ;-) Take care, girl.

  13. First, I think I spelled McGyver/MacGyver/MacGuyver wrong...anyone...anyone...Bueller? I even Google it. Oh well, I obviously don't care, I prefer my phonetic spelling. And really if spell check doesn't even recognize 'OCD', that just goes to show there is a credibility issue there.

    Secondly, I have a confession. I friends, am pretty darn un-American. Truth be told, I've watched maybe one episode of McGyver in my lifetime. More of a Magnum P.I. girl really. I usually don't care for the mustache type {besides Christina ofcourse} but I'm mysteriously drawn to Tom Selleck, even with a Hawaiian shirt. We're probably soulmates and I should have his children. Or more children? Because he's pretty old right? Anyone uncomfortable yet?

    @Angel- If there comes a time when my posts don't make you want to pee your pants {or make you start swearing, have that effect too}, let me know asap! I would be losing my touch.

    @JoAnn- Trust me, writing it all out makes it seem more stressful than it was. Now, any type of vehicular problems would have me blubbering in a nano-second.

    @Pepper- Sorry about the song. Pop in an NKOTB cd and call it good. Yes, the crows ARE still here...I will pay someone to make them NOT be here...wink, wink.

    @Kara- Yes, and whiskey in my coffee. I think I will bury a flask in an unmarked location should this happen again. One can never be too prepared incase of emergency.

    @Angela- I'll have you know, I didn't even break a nail during the break-in. Although I have some crazy beautiful nail genes. That's about all as far as crazy beautiful genes go. They have been manicured and painted. I may have used them as weapons poor, poor sister.

  14. I believe NKOTB now means New Kids On The Blog :)


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