I'm NOT Going to Sugar Coat This: It's for your own good

One of my very bestest BFFs that I've known since the days of Aqua Net and Jordache is with child. That's right, knocked-up, preggers, and this is her number one. She says, "I'll be calling you for advice". That people is like music to my ears! Someone is actually ASKING me for my usually unsolicited advice, made my day, that's all I'm saying. We, Flo {her nickname} and I are long letter writing boo-hoo type people. Oh yeah, we say I love you and stuff, but our talks are more like a 90 minute comedy routine, and nothing important is ever said. Thusly why if we have anything at all important to say, we need to write it down.

So I'm saving a stamp and giving my Motherhood advice via, the blog, I totally know she appreciates this too, ha. So Flo, here is what you need to know about Motherhood that no one has the guts to tell you, out of love I do this for you. I'll still send you a gift and whatever.  But this post is pretty gosh darn priceless.

1. Kiss your blissful days of sleep good-bye. As long as you have a child sleeping in your home, you will never reach REM sleep again. No joke. The wind changes direction, you will shoot up straight in your bed and go check if they are breathing.

Oh yeah, about that breathing thing, you'll do that like 20 times a day at first. Babies can be pretty quiet and sleep a lot, so you will find yourself checking their vitals every 15-20 minutes for the first 3 months or so. Totally normal. Word to the wise, you sleep when they sleep, makes for a good Mommy.

2. Your body will never be the same again: A & B

A.) Even when you lose the baby weight, because it is possible, and you can do it, things will have shifted, if you will. It's like the tectonic plates in the butt/thigh/stomach region, have made their way North/South/East/West, making you now do the head tilt in the mirror and saying, huh? I weigh the same, what the? Yes. Tectonic shifting of ass.

B.) Give your Boobs and Vagina a going away party. You'll never see them again in their same beautiful glory again. I won't delve further into the horror, but also a word to the wise and to maintain your marriage, DO NOT video tape the birth from the down under angle. Yeah, I get it, but who wants to see that? YOU DON'T, trust me on this, you don't. You'll only end up drinking a bottle of wine and rocking in the corner. Same goes for your husband, he doesn't need to be reminded of that either. It is sure to stir up some PTSD, like Choppers in Nam, that's right. I don't know, my opinion, but if you want to relive the death and destruction of your vagina over and over, go for it. Miracles come at a price.

3. You're going to let yourself go a little. Despite telling yourself you won't be one of "those" Moms in sweatpants, ponytails and puke on her shirt, you will. My daughter once projectile vomited on me in Bloomingdale's, take a deep breath and change your clothes, buy a shirt if you need to. But try to do these three things everyday: Change out of your pj's, brush your teeth/put on some chapstick, and make your bed. It will give you a tiny sense of accomplishment and make you feel better.

4. Get a blog. You're a Mommy, Mommy bloggers pretty much rule the universe, name it, own it, and please don't giveaway crap on it.  {P.S. Pass Blogger and go straight to Wordpress.}

5. You are going to cry for no reason, all.the.time. Its hormones honey. This will eventually level off after the first 10-15 years.

6. Your heart is going to break. It will break when you leave your baby at Grandma's for the first time and you just want to rush home. It will break when your baby is crying and there is nothing you can do, because you tried everything. It will break when you send them to their first day of Kindergarten.

But your heart will also grow. You will feel the most amazing amount of love for this little person, and will die for that baby. And just when you think you couldn't love them anymore, they will say, "I love you, Mommy", or smile for the first time. Being a parent is the most humbling, wonderful, indescribable gift you will ever receive.

You'll be great my friend and I'm always here for you, to listen, no advice. Love you.