November 16, 2011

If You Can't Blow It Out Here, Where Can You Blow It Out?

That title is my Vince Vaughn-ism for the day {From the movie, The Break-Up, site seeing scene} so knock it off pervs.  But let's move on shall we? On to my rant of the week, because if I can't blow it out here, where can I blow it out?  I have been seething about this for weeks. So warning to the squeamish, this isn't your normal post about sweaters and stuff, it's a departure for me and gritty as I'll ever get {boy I keep upping the ante here}. But I encourage other Single parents to take the ball and run with it and do their own post on the topic, even if you don't agree with me, because I'd like to hear it.

That's not Beard, it's Vince Vaughn
It started innocently enough, as a guest post for my friend Beard, about Single Parent Self-Esteem, short, sweet and to the point,  with a little bit of Jerry McGuire bashing. But definitely edited. So let's get to the meat of the issue here. Skank-a-licious Single Moms and why you give me a bad rap! Now, there is such a thing as skanky single dad too,  I'm going to leave that alone for now. I'm a woman; I'm going to speak from my point of view. You may call me bitter, I very well might be; but I do have a point. I'm also mildly attractive and have a good to slightly annoying personality, so I fall in the "able to get a date range". This is not being cocky, it is healthy.

If I already haven't proven it time and time again, I am accustomed to making an ass of myself, I host the Single Parents Talking tweet chat on Friday nights. We consciously try to make an effort not to whine about exes, dates, or lack thereof, loneliness and such, but I have made quite the discovery since starting the chat. Since the chat is on a Friday night, we may tend to draw in a crowd of parents that aren't on dates, mostly because these parents have their kids full-time. It seems parents who split custody have more time and the resources to date; and that's just a fact. No hard feelings.

But here's what starts making the blood boil. Single parents feeling sorry for themselves because they are home alone tweeting with me about corn and yoga and not out with some guy who looks like a glittery vampire! Sure, I know, bottom of the barrel and such, but I really am nice, sometimes funny, if anything entertaining. So these parents feel like "losers", their words, not mine, because they haven't been on a date in....well awhile. That makes you a loser? That you have been working your ass off taking care of your children and are dog tired and are trying to keep a roof over your head and not spending your money on babysitters to go on dates? Nuh-uh.

Okay, how many married people have been on a date recently with their spouse? And I surmise they aren't getting any either, just sayin', you know what I'm talking about marrieds. Why do we feel as a single parent that we need to be out, "playing the field" or there is something wrong with us?

Here's what. I'm rather tired and irritated at the amount of single parent blogs reliving their sexual escapades. And to add insult to injury here, they have record number of readers and often boast about how people will ask them for advice. Look, I'm no Dr. Ruth, but pretty much anyone can get some, not that hard, there are always willing participants. But really? It's a vicious cycle of flirtation, seduction, some kind of unsanitary sex somewhere usually inappropriate, and then the fall-out, boo-hoo what's wrong with me followed by the man bashing when it all comes crashing down and he didn't call you. Puuuuhhhhlease, stop.the.madness.

Did we not learn anything from High School and College? Oh, and p.s. don't use that an as excuse either, that you were some child bride and never got to sow your wild oats, you're an adult now.

So this gives Single Parents a bad rap. Single Moms are NOT a sure thing dudes! We all aren't so lonely and pitiful that we're going to give it up.  Maybe, just maybe, I'd like to get to know someone first? I am divorced, and guess what, I just might have learned from my mistakes, so why would I complicate things by jumping in the sack with you? I was married for 8 years and still didn't know that guy...going to be a while, my friend.  And speaking of complicated, where do you even have sex?  Not at my house, and NOT with my kids there. Refer back to inappropriate places to have sex.

I know I'm going to get reamed for this too, but from a woman's point of view, okay my point of view, sex without some kind of emotional connection does not exist. Sure, try to convince me otherwise, but it doesn't. If you have found a way, congratulations, I guess, but I'd rather have meaningful sex anyway as opposed to empty sex. Just sayin'. Sure don't we all miss sex and have needs and blah, blah, blah.

Single Moms, if it was your daughter, what advice would you give her? What kind of example would you like to be? A strong woman that values herself, respects her body, doesn't need to fill herself up with empty sex and frivolous dates with guys that treat her like crap to fill the hole in her heart because you pack your kid up every other weekend, or are still hurt and broken from divorce, or feel like you can't do it alone.

I'm going to say it again, you are good enough. And there is someone out there that will see that, and will love that about you if you give it the chance and don't settle for Mr. Right Now. I'd rather be alone and happy with myself, than with someone and unhappy. Learn to be by yourself and love yourself, that's the greatest gift you can give your kids.

{Use the hashtag #SingleParentsTalking Friday nights, 9pm CST, on Twitter}

Skanky Moms and Dads you are invited too, despite my rant, I still love you.

Now, the comment section is open for discussion, if I haven't offended you terribly, or made you stop reading with my outrageous usage of run-on sentences. 


  1. Rants and run on sentences go together! Well, I made it through without being offended. I get what you are saying. I have a different idea of "skanky" so I wasn't sure what to expect. Skanky to me is a person that is oblivious to the needs of their children by putting their own needs first and acting like they're all that matters. "What, I can have sex with my kids home with a guy I just met tonight." Kind of thing. The women you wrote about are just sad, they know better, they are really just trying to find some balance. Whatever the case though, you are right women need to be with a man that treats them right and even if he treats them right he needs to be available to them on all levels. Great guys, I had one for two years, can be satisfying and great with kids but if you want to grow and continue there has to be availability. It's easy to settle for awhile with Mr. wonderful and his 90% and believe that he is enough. He's enough to go with your enough. But both are not enough, lol.

  2. @Star- I suppose everyone thinks of something different in reference to "skank". I think you probably said it better in one comment than I did in two posts, and I always love your perspective. I retweeted a great quote this morning, no author, 'sometimes being strong is letting go, not holding on'. Thought that might be an appropriate addition. And whew, glad you're not mad, now for my other 11 followers:-)

  3. I had an offer to do a plastic surgery post/ad on my blog for hundreds of dollars. I personally don't care about plastic surgery, would probably buy some boobs if I had the money, however I wondered what kind of message that would give my readers and friends.

    I asked a guy friend why the plastic surgery company would even want an ad on my blog and he said simply because single moms have low self esteems. Just a fact.

    And so I passed on the ad because although I've found a way to be happy with myself, there are lots that have not. I tend to think the ones blogging about their sexual escapades are looking for attention online and IRL or for some kind of validation. These women behave that way with or without children.(I think, anyway.) It works for some, just not for me. My mom reads my blog and I have no sexual escapades anyway. Kinda keeps me in check I guess.

  4. Since having children have your standards gone up? I haven't met a man that I want to date because I instantly think of what kind of role model they would be. I also don't want men coming in and out of my son's life, so I fear introducing him. I never understood why some mom's were ok with having a new bf every week and parading them around their children.

  5. @Christina- I applaud you for taking the high road. I think not only single Moms, but women in general have poor self-esteem. Look at how parents constantly compare children, parenting skills/styles, homes, jobs, etc. Our blogs, our words, the clothing we wear, like it or not, tell people who we are and what we stand for. So in my case, my blog tells ya'll that I'm a nut, but I digress. I also think the skanky Mom bloggers are the minority, but they get the most press; after all, sex sells. I have to give it to them for putting it all out there though, it takes guts, but yes, I also think they seek attention.

    @Single Mama- A HUGE heck yeah my standards have gone up! In fact, poor dudes, it might be too high. But yes, I have to take into consideration that they might be in my child's life. I also think people don't change very often, so it's possible, but doesn't happen overnight. So if you find a guy and he has flaws you don't like, either deal with it and be prepared to deal with it for as long as you are together, or move on.

  6. Ah yes, the classic single mom skank post. I'm glad you went there.

    I've been toying around a similar idea for a post on this topic, but wasn't sure it'd fly with a dude writing on the subject. Loose moms would be attacking me with digital pitchforks and stuff.

    So I'll give my opinion here, safely on your blog! ;-)

    This will get me in trouble, but here goes: Is it outlandish to propose that in some cases, single parents got into the situation of being a single parent precisely because of their, um, easy ways?

    And that some have not learned from mistakes, continuing in their ways, thereby introducing the possibility of another bad situation?

    And what happens if the single parent gets heavy petted (that phrase cracks me up), becomes pregnant, the boyfriend scatters, and bam. A single parent. Again.

    As you say, it comes down to confidence, but it's more than that. It also requires morality, convictions and an understanding of what is appropriate outside the realm of marriage. Our body is a temple after all.

    And our kids are watching.

    End rant.

  7. @Beard- Correction. You wouldn’t be attacked with a digital pitchfork; rather a skanky stiletto. And not sure this is a safe place, just sayin’. True, there is the moral compass to consider as well. If we cannot be accountable to our God, our conscience, or ourselves, then we should at the very least have some accountability for what we model to our children. After all, at some point in time our blogs will come back to haunt us all, right? Also, I think you should do the post on skanky Dads.

    Thanks for the response from all the single parents up there, if your married, or don't even have kids, you can chime in too. :-)

  8. @Beard, true that some are skanky in the beginning and that's how they end up single mothers. Often times however, self esteem plummets because the woman as lost her family, her husband/bf, and whatever else on top of society telling us constantly that we are substandard women because we are single. Single mothers are not viewed the same as single fathers. For one, single dads are automatically heroes. Very seldom will a person look at a single dad and think "well there must be something wrong with him". In fact, it's more likely that a person will look at a single dad and think "good God there must've really been something wrong with the mother. And what a great guy he is for being a single dad..."

    I will say with single moms, the skank is a result of a combo of low self esteem and an urgency to find a bf/huz to pull them out of the underclass that society has placed single mothers into.

    Totally looking forward to your post, Beard. And Cari, wish you had a reply button for comments.

  9. @Christina- Yep, I wish too. Get with the program Blogger! But I don't like the other options available.

    And just if I may, Christina you brought up a good point, about Single Moms being viewed AND treated differently in society. The norm most often times is the assumption that we were skanks from the get-go or did something to make our husbands leave or divorce us. I'd say to CHOOSE the life of a single mother, we'd have to be looking out for the well-being of our children and therefore the divorce is the better and safer choice. I didn't want to delve into that topic in this post, because it's a whole other post frankly. And yes, to even the playing field here, as much as skanky Mom may not change her ways, it does take two, and what do you suppose baby daddy is up to? Maybe making more babies? Seems dads think they have the option to leave if they want to or can't handle it....but like I said, another post. Thanks for the comments peeps:)

  10. Well said. Every single word. It applies to singles overall as well. It seems like common sense. But we all know, common sense - ain't so common.

  11. That's funny, I guess I'm not the skanky mommy after all, kudos to me. Lol You are so right, whether it be a mom or dad, when you have kids you don't belong at the bar every night. Sex takes on a whole new meaning. For me, and this is just me, I don't have sex. Period. I most certainly don't want Lala growing up with a skewed view of how relationships should be because I brought a different guy around all the time. The only people who get to be around her are people I know are going to be in our lives for the long haul.

    I am not a single parent because I was a skank, I am a single parent because I trusted the wrong person and ended up alone after finding out I was pregnant. Now I raise my girl and do the best I can to be everything she needs.

    This was a great topic Cari, and you raised some very valid points.

    @Christina - My brother is a single father, and he is absolutely viewed differently. He is the amazing daddy that has his son. The double standard really is appalling, I bust my behind just as hard to support and provide for Lala as he does to provide for his son. Yet people viewing us would undoubtedly see us differently. Kind of crazy.

  12. @Cam- Isn't that the truth, sometimes I just have to shake my head and say, "really?". Thanks for commenting girl!

    @Angel- Of course you're not the skank, I told you:-) I do have to clarify that I think all parents and those of the single variety need some "me" time too, it does make us better parents. Christina should do a post on the Single Mom/Dad stigma and the double standard, because it DOES exist.

  13. I have to admit that for a time, I was a single mom skank :( I do regret the things I did then. If only I could turn back time... but what's done is done, there's no use crying over spilt margarita...

    Oh, definitely a single mom/dad stigma exists, and something must be done about it- if at all possible.

    I keep telling myself everyday that "I am enough"... still trying to shake off Jerry Maguire from my system, obviously :)

  14. @Pepper- From what I read on your blog you are an intelligent lady and a great Mom. I suppose it's hard enough not to doubt our parenting on a daily basis. It does get terribly lonely, that I understand. But you are enough. I wish more women wouldn't feel completely lost and useless without a man OR a child in their life. The greatest thing working against us is ourselves. Hang in there Pepper, more NKOTB, less McGuire.

  15. Haha... thanks, Cari! I think you believe in me more than I do.

    Oh, what would life be without NKOTB... :)


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