November 07, 2011

The Truth and Narcissistic Blogger Validation

Recent events in the blogosphere have prompted this post, so it's a departure from my normal rants about nothing in particular, and for the most part useless. If you're looking for funny, you may want to click over to the post on Eye Brow Waxing or Mechanical Bull-Riding.
"The Truth will set you free."

"The Truth hurts."

It is hard to navigate, even differentiate sometimes between truth out of necessity, truth to hurt, or being truthful to self and beliefs. I suppose they are all interwoven in some way, just interpreted differently. A recent satirical post {and the crazy-ass fall out} from one of my very favorite bloggers prompted my thoughts on this. I'm not going to link it, not because I do not support her, I do, but I do not wish to encourage anymore hate. And when I say hate, I mean vile, narcissistic, commenting bullies who have nothing better to do with their time than endorse character assassination. It's time to move on...”Mommy Bloggers”.

Don't we have to admit, just a smidge, that when someone says something we are offended by, there might just be an ounce of truth to it? That perhaps, we, despite our very best efforts, might be that which we do not like? Of course! And if you deny it, well, you're living in denial. Profound!  {This is a general statement, mostly about character and motivation, so don't get in a huff} Our defensiveness oftentimes is a knee jerk reaction to protect, because we're right, you're wrong, black, white, etc. That's was we are taught right?  To stand up for what we believe in no matter the cost?

It takes a heck of a strong person to stand up and say, "Geez, I'm a boring Mommy blogger that writes about dead roosters and cheese", why do people read it? Everyone's personal taste is different, and in that is hope.  Heck, maybe we can offer the world some unique perspective once in a while and not just stroke each other's egos for being the same. If you blog, you should be blogging for you, not for who may or may not read it; otherwise you're in the wrong business.

When I lose followers, and I do, shocking right?  Oh, there goes another.  I wonder, was it something I said? But at the end of the day, this blog is mine, I own it, and I'm pretty proud of it. That's right, and I'm sober 99.7% of the time while I write it. But every blogger is an egotistical narcissist in some form. Yeah you are. And there goes another.  We love the comments, we love the validation, we love that people want to read what we write. And I love you for it.  So when those motives come under attack, it is only natural to protect ourselves. NOTE: Protect, not become an irrational crazed lunatic. Ya'll are really going to want to read that post aren't ya?
So that sums up the truth hurts. On to the truth will set you free.  This portion also prompted by a fellow anonymous blogger.

What is worse? Telling the truth, even if it won't change anything? Or holding it in to keep the peace? Depends on the person I suppose. But here's something I know about truth. I'm divorced. Duly noted in blog here. My divorce is a partial result of some painful truths revealed. When you find out your spouse has been lying to you for five years about addiction, infidelity, finances and a myriad of other things; it not only hurts, it knocks you out. It takes your breath away and leaves you gasping for air.

Here's the hardest part about finding out those truths, it makes you question YOURSELF. That's hard.  How's and why's and a lot of brokenness. I think insult to injury is discovering the indiscretions on my own, and never, and still never, hearing it from my Ex. Rationalization for someone's bad behavior does not justify keeping the truth from them. Guilt will only eat you alive. Trust is what is most cherished in a marriage, honesty is owed to your spouse, even Ex, because it is part of the healing process. And well, it's the right thing to do.  I don't buy, the why tell them now it will just cause more pain line.  Yes it will cause pain, but I'm sure they are questioning themselves and need the whole truth to heal.

Would I like to believe all those lies would've been easier to hear coming from him? Sure. Do I wonder if it might have saved our marriage? Used to. Without honesty, all is lost. There are certainly days where I wish I lived in blissful ignorance and never knew. But the truth set me free, and healed me.

When weighing honesty, I most ardently believe it is the best policy. But with honesty comes responsibility. We need to take some responsibility and accountability for speaking our truth, hearing the truth, deciding if we want to know the truth, and accepting it. Are we being honest to hurt, to bring someone pain? Unintentionally, of course; in important matters, we must, with grace.

Is honesty necessary when someone gets a terrible haircut or has an ugly baby? Depends on your relationship. Don't even give me the, "all babies are cute" line, they aren't. Gifts, yes. Blessings, yes. Angels, yes. All beautiful, no. My kid was not a cute baby, that's right, I said it, he's cute now, but the first couple of weeks, I'm going to be honest, he had to grow into himself a little. So if I've ever said, "oh what a peanut you have", well now you know.  And that’s the truth.


  1. My daughter wasn't cute at all. She was tiny and jaundiced, had blood shot eyes from being pushed out and looked like an alcoholic chicken. I did not notice though until years later when I looked at the baby picture I sent everyone and was like OMGeee she looks hideous.

    Anyway, my closest friends are those that tell me the truth. I know that I can depend on them to bring it when I need it and in return I am painfully honest with them as well. I don't always agree with everyone else's truths nor does everyone agree with mine. Still I, at least, prefer it that way. I won't let people I care about look foolish and hope they care enough for me to do the same.

    I loved this post. Everything you write is important to me, Cari. And that's the truth.

  2. Hi Cari :-)

    I've had to deal with many sensitive bloggers over the past two years. And many sensitive people in real life. It's never easy. I've learn to just go with the flow and only take a stand when I absolutely have too.

    I hope you have a nice day and thanks for your recent comment on My Blog :-)

  3. My kid was average at birth, maybe 6 out of 10 on the ugly scale.

    I fit the category of being a blogger that cares about hit counts. Few readers reduces my mojo to crank out new content. As I've mentioned before, would a singer continue singing their tunes at the same bar if nobody showed up to listen? So I get great joy when Triberr and other tools spread the word, increasing readership and flinging the blog out to the right crowd.

    Also agree with not pulling punches and being honest. But suppose there are times when we need to pick our battles and shut our cake holes. I'm not so good at that. ;-)

  4. You raised so many salient points, I don't even know where to begin :)

    Honesty is such a multi-faceted concept that it will almost always evoke varied reactions.

    On learning about the truth...I think sometimes, I'd much rather not know, but other times, I do want to know :). In my case, it does depend a great deal on who's saying it- and how it's said. So, I guess there are tactful ways of being frank.

    I do agree with you that we tend to get defensive when criticized. I have to admit, I thrive on comments and validation by other bloggers :)

    When I'm the one who is faced with the hard task of telling the truth, I often choose not to- just to stay away from sticky situations. But oftentimes, holding back blows up in my face.

  5. First @Christina, alcoholic chicken, I'm reading this at work and the patients are staring because I totally just snorted coffee up my nose when I read that. I needed a smile today, thank you.

    I demand honesty, it is a requirement for me and for anyone who decides they want to be a part of my life. I have also been through the "had to find out on my own my spouse was doing.......". It hurt, and I absolutely questioned myself, and truthfully my worth as a person. It was shaky ground, but I got through it. Living in a lie for longer would have been far worse.

    About the "post", I thought it was funny, I tried to comment twice but my computer was being a jerk. I am shocked by just how ridiculous people got over it. The fact of the matter is, this is your blog, my blog is my blog, and their blog is their blog. I do not hold a gun to anyone's head and force them to read, if you don't like what I have to say, leave. Simple as that. I don't know anyone who needs someone to be vicious and nasty over anything. It's the internet, and to me they can go find somewhere else to spew their hate.

    I love you guys, you keep it real and your blogs are great. If anyone ever tells you different tell them Angel dad can beat up there dad, so there. Hope you all have a great week. Sorry I haven't been around much.

    I be emailing you back soon Cari, you are a great friend chic! Thank you!

  6. Peanut, huh? That's a good one. I usually just say "aw, look at that baby!" Truth is a good thing. Hatefulness is an ugly thing. You've addressed both pretty darn well in this post. :)

  7. @Christina-I'm sure your daughter was a peanut:-) No,all babies are blessings and thankfully God gives us blinders so we think we have the smartest most beautiful baby in the world. I think they are all precious, but yes, I did the same thing looking back...and was like huh?! Although, that is one place I will NEVER be honest, just not necessary. Thanks for the kind words, and for being a brave blogger!

    @Ron-Yup, and yep. Hard to figure out people and their motives oftentimes. Thanks for stopping by and leaving your new address:-)

    @Beard- I refuse to believe Pigtails was anything but a 10. Everyone has their own reasons for blogging and keeping on, or quitting...Lord knows I had a good 5 followers on this baby for a solid year. But appreciation and validation of our writing does make it more fun to write, no doubt...or maybe more pressure?

    @Pepper- So hard when it comes to truth, you almost know it's going to blow up one way or the other, and often the path of least resistance back fires. I'm going go comment on your blog:-)

    @Angel- Glad you and your Dad have our backs, whew:-) You are a sweetie, and a good friend. Honesty is non-negotiable for me too. And yes, too many peeps get in a huff over nothing, but it sure has made for an interesting week or two in the blogosphere!

    @Cam-True and true, well said, my friend. So saddens me when I see people being hateful, to reverse that is so hard; worth it, but hard. I wish we heard stories about more kindness in the world, but kindness doesn't sell like hate does. Thanks Cam!


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