December 07, 2011

The Coldest Hell on Earth

Okay maybe "coldest" is an exaggeration; I don't live in the coldest place on Earth, but its cold. And snowy. And sometimes I like to complain about living in Minnesota. I have no one to blame but myself for living here, and actually, I don't mind it most times. I'd take the cold and snow over heat any day. Odd as I'm always cold, but that will just have to be analyzed later along with my many other dysfunctions and abnormalities.
There is lots of fun to be had in the snow: Skiing, building snow people, and snowmobiling come to mind.  I don’t ice fish, I think that is crazy and no amount of 6 six-packs could sway me.
I tend to get a little perturbed after the first few snowfalls, and here's why:

Snowballing
Someone knocked out the baby with a snowball,
she'd get you back if she could move her arms..or stand.
It's all fun and games until the baby someone gets a snowball in the face. Oh, never had a snowball in the face? Let me tell you friends, it feels like fire! It makes you want to throw something and yell at small children. Just speculating. If there is one rule of snowballing, you steer clear of the face. Heck even snowballs to the groin aren't so bad with all the padding from the snow gear. Again, just speculating. At any rate, don't do it unless you want someone to hurt you.

Grocery Carts
 That's right, as if it's already not hard enough to steer those bad boys with two broken wheels teetering and spinning mid-air.  No, you have to push that steel beast full of groceries {10 bags because you didn't want to go to the store while it was snowing...for the last 6 days} through a slushed out, 2 inches of snow. I liken it to a sled, there are no wheels spinning, there is no traction. You really have to put your back into it. What's that? No, here in the tundra we don't have young grocery boy types who push our carts to our cars for us, we are the martyr type and like to bag it all ourselves and haul it out alone. Oh and while you're pushing that rusted p.o.s to your car, your kid will inevitably lose a mitten. I don't even suggest a "kid-friendly car cart" in this weather...you'll never get home.
This is nothing...a taste if you will


Man's Work

Shoveling snow is back breaking work, that's why I make my Dad do it. Seriously, I shovel, I just always wanted to say "it's man's work".  You could always get one of those fancy snow blowing machines, but people, that's not easy either, especially when it's negative cold as hell outside.
Unburying your car is payback for all the bad stuff you've ever did in your lifetime. A gentle dusting I can handle, 6 inches of wet heavy snow is an entirely different story. It's not fun, and then the snow gets in your gloves and all over your coat, and it will take you 10-15 minutes and you'll be running late. It's cruel and unusual punishment, and I will be happy to have a garage again in a few short weeks. Be kind Mother Nature, I beg you.

The Gear
The investment into how many pair of mittens, hats, scarves alone, is like money flushed down the toilet. "Where’s your hat?" becomes your new mantra, along with, "you left your mittens where?" And you have to be the early bird and buy the "good" mittens, that are waterproof, before they are all gone by September 1st. We aren’t playing around here, we hoard the good mittens. Those knit gloves will last you like 2 hours and get you frost bite. I think Minnesotans get up earlier in the morning, and here's why, you have to put all those darn layers on your kid, then they have to pee, so take it off and then do it all again. We’re talking snow pants, boots, hat, gloves, coat and scarf, everyday...every time you go outside.  Yep, you'll wear it all when it's 29 below outside.

My car could be under there

One more piece of advice: Don't eat the yellow snow.  In fact, just keep walking.
 
So friends, thar she snows. Do you live where there is no snow? Some tropical oasis like California or New Mexico?  Don't tell me how warm it is where you are right now, I might snap. Does it feel like Christmas without snow? I'd miss that. It has its beautiful moments.
Fellow snow people, what do you hate most about the snow?

25 comments:

  1. Oh, I don't even want to venture a guess as to why there's yellow snow...

    And I won't risk my life and tell you that where I'm at, the only snow we know is in the movies :)

    Hang in there, Cari! You'll get by :)

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  2. Awww the baby looks so cute all toastie and warm (might of laughed quite a bit about the baby hit in the face with the snowball…sorry) We hardly ever get extreme weather in England but last xmas we had really bad snow and the whole country literally shut down. We couldn’t even go and get the obligatory xmas choocies til xmas eve xx

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  3. I'm from Michigan and I can relate to everything in this post. The shoveling, defrosting, layering, black ice, etc. Those are all the reason I don't miss the winter months now that I live in California. Me no likey the cold.

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  4. @Pepper- Yes, it's for the best that you keep Paradise under wraps...for your own safety of course. Girl, the yellow snow is not acid rain.

    @Jen- Babies are easy targets. Actually the kids hit me in the face all the time, but I do wish snow suits like that came in my size.

    @Cam- You're smart, and moved to warmer weather. But I think I would miss it a little. I just always forget how much work it is until the first snow hits.

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  5. I always fall on the ice. It is cold, painful and embarassing. Once the holidays are over, I am ready for the cold to go away!

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  6. I hate driving in it and I don't do trucks. You really need a truck here in the winter or you get stuck a lot or in the ditch a lot. I also hate cold. Girl, remember last year we had winter til May? What kind of evil shit is that.

    You totally shouldve used my picture of the temperature in the car that says -26. Says it all.

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  7. The cart picture... classic. I'm imagining pushing it in that snow/slush just looking at it. And you know I know just how bad it is. I bet when someone from, say, CA looks at the picture, they don't really understand. It's hard to describe in words.

    As for the mittens, why do they even bother to sell knit mittens for kids here? That's something useless that people buy for *other people's kids* as a stocking stuffer. We lost mittens last year after January and the only proper kids mittens I could find (and I shopped everywhere) were $37 at SportMart! I made Ehren finish out the winter with a pair of Anna's mittens because I was not paying it! Believe me, after that, I was snapping up every pair I found at garage sales this summer. You can never have too many!

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  8. Those crappy thin-knit mittens are a sham, guaranteed to keep kids warm down to 30 degrees. And do the missing mittens hang out with the missing socks? I think somebody should look into that.

    Taking daughter out to ski the powder nearly makes up for the rest of the hideousness that is Midwest winters. Almost.

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  9. Ew gross.

    The only kind of snow we're famous for down here is the type Charlie Sheen snorts up his nose.

    Are you sure you don't want to maybe visit some place warm? We can build SAND castles and make SAND angels. We can go WATER skiing and go on a deep sea fishing trip.

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  10. @Singlemama- I agree, it's hard to look cute when it's -20 degrees. Uggs vs. heels, boo:( We might need to go shoe shopping together, it always comes down to the shoes.

    @Salt- Right? It's the worst, I think I swear out loud, I don't know for sure. But when I lived in the south, they have people who bag your stuff and load it in your car, for free! Kind of like Byerlys, but it's everywhere. Now that would just make me feel weird. And yes, by the end of last season, Audrey was wearing Gabe's hat. Just saw swimsuits are out, grab your mittens!

    @Beard- If I only walked from car to door, knit mittens would rule. But yeah, they are crap and only put off the frostbite by 15 minutes. Agree on the lost sock/mitten scenario...the world may never know. Someone should get on that.

    @Mutant- I've packed my bags and I'm coming over. Believe it or not, I have never been water skiing. Tubing, yes, many times, I think I have trust issues with who is driving the boat...namely my speed racing brother-in-law who doesn't care if I sustain spinal cord injuries. I don't wanna die young.

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  11. I wouldn't call TN a "oasis"...but you know snow is rare for us. Of course, we'd all starve to death if we got MN snow......we only have enough ice for 1 2 inch cover. Our kids sleep in inside-out PJs and flush ice cubes down the toilet b/c "they've heard" that will make it snow!

    -Ali

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  12. Just a quick comment, am at work and can't be getting fired. The picture of the cart in the slush almost had me falling out of my seat laughing. I was pushing that very same cart last Monday night at the super store by my house. I didn't make it to the car, I triple gainered in a perfect triple sow cow *tear* it was beautiful. Actually to be a bit more truthful it was more of an ass over elbows situation, and I so didn't stick the landing. Can you say concussion, cause I couldn't after hitting my head on the pavement. Oh I hate the friggin snow.

    Love this, it was funny and brightened my day. Thanks chick, I needed it!! Been missing my people, just been super busy and haven't had time to write. :( Hugs and Love!

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