December 15, 2011

The Do's and Don'ts of Blog Splortation

You read the title correctly. Blog Splorting. Never heard of it? Neither had I until I read Autism Army Mom's post, Things I've Learned from Blogging: A Pre-Mortem, circa July. Little had I known that I was already knee deep in Blog Splortation. Lynn has a fabulously hilarious blog, and I highly recommend reading it and the 22 Splorting comments that occurred that day. 
Blog Splorting, as coined by Lynn, is when you leave a sasstastic remark about a previous comment/commenter on a blog. Still confused, allow me to elaborate. We will use an excerpt from Beard and Pigtails most recent post commentary:
{Context of the Post was boogers on a church hymnal }
Christina M said...
Gross. I'm staying away from your church fo sho. Funny that you and Pigtails both cracked up though. Pretty sure putting boogers on hymnals is a sin somewhere.
Beard said...
No kidding, Holy water couldn't wipe away the filth that is Song #49.
Christina does stuff like that I'd imagine. She'll never know I wrote that. Bad thing about cracking up in church...hard to stop it.
Beard said... 
Yeah, Christina never checks back on comment responses. So we could call her a chronic hymnal wiper and she'd never know it. Nor sue us for libel.
About this time I receive a message from Christina.
Christina: Did you just say something about me on Beard's blog?
Me: No.  {Yes, that was a flat out lie; the jig was up boys and girls.}
I quickly fashioned the following response, because Christina is straight up Ninja. Well and she had just written a post on blogging vs. journalism and libel vs. slander.
I've been advised by counsel to retract my above statement, and say publically for the record that Christina is an upstanding young lady and wouldn't do such a thing. Besides, it was probably my kid anyway.
Christina M. said...
Heathens. Both of you hymnal corrupters.
Touché, my friend.
So there is one example, usually I don't retract my splorting, but I had splorted Christina a few times this week already, research for this post of course. She's a good sport...or splort?
You can always splort on your own blog. For example, I will usually reply to every comment.  If you didn't know that, you better check back, or subscribe to comments. I might have said something about you. Don’t worry, most of the time I just say you’re precious and cute.  

Someday, not long from now, in the New Year, I will move to Word Press and leave Blogger behind {you heard me Blogger} and you'll all get your replies in your inbox. Until then we can splort. Here is an example of how I splorted my BFF on my own blog:
Context for this comment is that I had mentioned the irrevocable damage birthing and nursing children had done to my boobs, and nonchalantly mentioned in a post that there may have been a boob show down to see whose girls were worse for wear. Of course hers, because she had twins plus one, no brainer. But I didn't name names. Actually, I have a lot of friends with twins; this twinning thing is an epidemic.
Wishing she was Anonymous BFF said-
Babe! Some of your non-blog, non-twitter friends do read your blog regularly, though it may not be daily. And I’m just going to assume you’re not talking about my ta-tas!
Cari said...
Awwww, Ali, thanks for leaving a comment! Really, thanks for reading my blog sweetie.
P.S. I was totally talking about her boobs!
See? She is none the wiser, although I just gave myself away. And Ali is smokin' hot by the way, and she has better bras and boobs than me too, darn it. Deep down, you want to get caught; it's too much fun not to.
It's nearly impossible for me to splort Christina and Beard anymore; they've caught on to my shenanigans. So that's where I'll tactically splort someone in a response to someone else, here's a peek.  Note, Beard had already commented earlier in the thread, so I thought he'd never check back, wrong.
@Pepper- Thanks, I'd high five you some ibuprofen if I could. Maybe all my blog friends are on the same cycle; Beard included.
Beard said...
"Maybe all my blog friends are on the same cycle; Beard included."

Oh jeez, manpons, are we going there in this thread?

And for the record, Beard, you never know, you just never know here in crazy town.  I could be writing a post on it as we speak.  Splortation within a post.
You see the best part about blogging, are the comments. Heck half the time they are funnier than the post. I'm just going to say, if I know you and we read the same blogs {triberrrrrs}, good chance of me splorting you. Heck if I know OF you I'll splort you.
Splorting might just be one of the single greatest ways to increase multiple views, readership and comments on your blog. You put the fear of God into people. And well, you're engaging your reader.  They'll check back, they always check back. Geez that Lynn is a manipulative mastermind!
But what if I can't think of anything smart or funny, you ask? Well that could pose a problem. I always think I'm smart and funny, which is unfortunate for you. But when in doubt, you could always say, "That’s what she said". Overused, yes, but better than wracking your brain for the not so perfect line. That should only be used in dire emergency, I have faith you can do better. Splorting doesn't need to be mean either. For example if you said, "that's what she said, asshat." Well that's just not necessary, now is it? You should also keep everyone's "Mamas" out of it.  And for goodness sake, don't splort drunk; don't even comment drunk, bad form.
Splorting is not for everyone; in fact some might consider it mean. And not every blog should be splorted. Use common sense when enacting splortation. I'll never splort you until I get to know you, too scary to splort a stranger; they may not understand and then you have this conversation:
Random splortee: Cari, I don't even know you but you are a meanie and need to keep your trap shut! Maybe instead of being a smart-ass you could add something of value to the comments. I think this is a cry for help.
Cari: I was just splorting you, come on. *sigh and crocodile tear* Oh yes, I cry.
So off you go, into the blogosphere with new knowledge in hand. Splort on, my friends.
Disclaimer: All of the above may be 100% accurate, or I could be making this all up. Splorting may or may not really exist. 

Also special thanks to Lynn, Christina, Beard and Ali for putting up with me and giving me permission to post this, blame them.


  1. I will leave the first comment here just in case you're scared of being splorted.

    Thank you for the very useful information for which I have been looking. These knock-off handbags are wonderful paired with the medication I'm selling that I hope you will enjoy while at this sunny beach getaway.

    See? I just splorted comment Spam!

  2. Splorting~ It's a great read, but too rich for my blood. I'm still on the cracking up side of things. Showing my age with my blog-o-mat style blogs, and staying there. Have fun kids...I'll watch from the bleachers :)

  3. Suzi- Watching is great too, and you're precious. I could never splort you or Amanda Rose;-) I think I've scared everyone in to commenting now, hahaha!

  4. No you put us all on the spot and now we're trying to think of something clever for splorting. All I could think of was mentioning Beard's boogery hymnal.

    Gonna try again later. Or tmrw. When I have something entertaining to say.

  5. @Christina- The crickets around here are making me nervous. Maybe everyone is reading the back logs of comments to see if they should unfollow me? I think I deleted all the bad stuff...;-)

  6. Human blood cord bank, donation, have you considered?

    Agree on sarcastic comments being the icing on well written posts. And I'm pumped about you moving to WordPress! Can you make a template or something so I can push a big button and it'll convert my blog over, too? k, thanks.

  7. @Mutant- Well that's about normal around here. At least I'm consistent.

    @Beard- I like the comments too, sassy or sweet, I'll take either. That was the best Spam comment ever, still makes me laugh.

    Yeah, sure I'll make a template, with my crayons and water paint, because I know nothing about how I'm going to transfer. I'm a little scared. I recruited help so I don't blow up my blog. It will be nice to not have to put 5 line breaks in to equal one in the preview...stupid Blogger. I've warned Blogger 453 times I was going to do this.

  8. Splorting is not for the faint of heart, that's for sure! It's fun, nonetheless, and gives life to an otherwise dreary comments section.

    My blog could use a bit of splorting, I think. Must bring out my splortation device, then. Mind if I borrow yours, Cari?

  9. @Pepper- I was unaware I had a splortation device, but I should patent it asap. Something tells me I need to go to your blog now....

  10. I would have commented sooner but I was hungover and couldn't focus on the computer screen. Birthday Bombs = Bad idea.

    Great post! Splorting, that's hilarious! Splort me anytime baby, haha sounds kind of dirty. Not sure I have ever been splorted, but it sounds like fun. :-)

    Hope you had a great weekend chick!!!

  11. @Angel- Oh my, sounds like a blog post coming when you sober up! Huh, not sure if you've been splorted? Uh-huh.

    I pretty much just made this all up so I'd have an excuse to be sassy:-)

  12. You're too funny! And see, I even check out your comments sometimes!



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