December 27, 2011

My Second Grade Self Re-Visited

Here we go my friends, the obligatory resolution post...with a twist.  I make ridiculous resolutions, for example here was the last.  Still working with short and sweet, I've no time for lengthy resolutions.  Besides, I'm 3/4 perfect in my mind.  I've come to the realization that I could actually interchange my current resolutions with that of my second grade self.  Interesting and disturbing.

1. Grow some Boobs:

Yep, I'm still waiting.  Seems once upon a time they were nice, then I had kids and they ruined them, so I'm patiently waiting for either some kind of miracle-like crazy gene reconstruction, or stem cell research to 'go there'.  Sure I could always get a boob job, but who's gonna pay for that?  Octo-Mom?  Seems a boob job would cancel itself out after having eleventy-hundred kids.

2.  Ride My Bike Around the Neighborhood Alone:

Sweet Jesus, 2nd grade self, preach it.  Yes, I would flippin' love to have twenty two minutes to myself to take a bike ride alone, without worrying about a wobbling kid on training wheels and the tricycle dare devil trying to race on-coming traffic.  When Dad lets you go, savor that sweet, sweet freedom; because all too soon you'll be a single Mom with two kids crying about her darn bike.

3.  Get a Boyfriend:

I suppose this could go either way, depends if it's a Boy's Against Girl's day, or vice versa on the playground.  Second grade self is boy crazy, old-ass self is not. Old-ass me doesn't care, and that might be a problem. You see old-ass self is sick of men and would live a long happy {lonely} life without them, but that's no fun...and when I say no fun, I mean *wink, wink* Second grade self and I haven't had the talk yet.

Second grade self is scared but she can be fearless.  She doesn't yet understand heartbreak and love is very pure, she has not been betrayed or abandoned.  Old-ass self is "bitter", she will deflect every suitable bachelor that comes along and pick out his flaws to protect herself.  I'm going to have to sit these two down and have a talk with them; I'm sure we can meet in the middle.

Disclaimer: To the single mama's lashing out at what might be misconstrued as desperation at first glance; rest assured it is not.  I have standards, and limitations, but my ovaries are tapping their watch and just turned in their retirement plan; so I need to perhaps give this a bit more attention.  Believe me, I'm too fabulous to dabble in desperate.

4.  I hate Laura McNeil, a.k.a the Bully:

Yeah, believe it or not that is a resolution.  You see bullies are no fun.  Took second grade self a little while to realize that bullies are just insecure, and prey upon others to make themselves feel better.  Bullies cause stress, anxiety and pre-mature aging, they just aren't worth it and will oftentimes back down when stood up too.

I still hate Laura McNeil.  Some people have a way of leaving a scar on your soul, that seems to never heal.  But that scar reminds me that mean people are damaging, and I won't have any part of that.  Wait, I'm kind of mean though, do you feel damaged?  Bet y'all have a super secret BGOMS reader support group.  Anyway, mean, nice, crazy mix of both; I decide who is privy to this glorious mess.  But it is word of warning that I like to surround myself with supportive people who don't bring me down, so if you do; you've been warned.  I didn't say people who didn't agree with me, I like it when people have their very own opinions and can speak for themselves, I do not like it when they speak ignorantly on my behalf.

I pretty much knocked my resolutions outta the ballpark from last year...except maybe the ponytails restriction, but I have cut down.  I'm serious.  Okay that's a lie, I totally relapsed and put my hair in a ponytail 4/7 days a week.  The first step is admitting you have a problem right?

So let's have it, what are your New Year's Resolutions?  OR, what was a resolution from last year you made and did you keep it?


  1. I'll be back with my comment once I speak to the others in the support group. ;)

  2. Hilarious. I'm so glad you and Marjorie tackled the resolution post. After Un Thanksgiving and Christmas crap I couldnt complete my evil Resolutions you'll fail at post. Just didnt seem right. And after I join Marjories mustache waxing group I think you and I should form a riding a bike around the block group. Together we can do it, ladies.

  3. As President of the support group I'm calling a voter's meeting in Hawaii this year. We'll vote on whether or not 2nd grade bullies are legal fodder for current self's blogs. The discussion will be centered around if you know that person in your current state of age and can kick said person's you know what as an adult.
    See you in Hawaii.

  4. Resolutions? Wow! The thought hasn't even crossed my mind. Oh wait I did read a funny Calvin n Hobbes cartoon someone posted on FB, Calvin yells at Hobbes, "Well, buddy as far as I'm concerned I'm perfect the way I am!" At which point the thought of resolutions fled the scene. Now I've read yours. Hmm....I shall look into this because yours are so inspiring!

  5. Hi there, New tribemate visiting! Neat post. well,I can emphatize on 2 points. Opposite on 1: Need smaller boobs! Heck, I just grew an inch each after each kid.. which is why I stopped at two;) No 2:Despite having spouse help finding " Me Time " is challenging indeed. NEVER find it so .. hoping I will this year ! Cheers !

  6. um, why is the ponytail restriction on MY list this year!!! HA! And yes, I am waiting on my boobs too...any day now. I just know it!

  7. Holy cardigeddon, no resolution tied to the black cardigan addiction thingy you got going on?

    I resolve in 2012 to learn how to love again.

  8. LOL at Beard's cardigan comment :).

    I don't make resolutions anymore because I break them as soon as I make them.

    But if I must make a resolution now... I guess I resolve to be more patient with my daughter. It's hard not to boil over when there's nobody else to talk sense into me.

    Happy new year to you, Cari! We have the same boob problem, by the way!

  9. I wish I have the same determination as you when it comes to making resolutions. I fear that I may not even stick to them so why make one? Anyway, good for you :)

    I don't like bullies too. I remember being bullied when I was very young. It's a different ball game now ;) heheheeheee...

    Happy New Year!


  10. Love it. Eleventy Million times!


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