January 04, 2012

Five Reasons I'm Smokin' Hot....

"Five Reasons I'm Smokin' Hot and You Can't Have Any", to be exact.  I know, I know, you think this post is a repeat; I assure you it is not.  You see I've inadvertently become part of a club, known to some, okay known as, the Bitchery Triad.  Bitchery?  Possibly a made-up word?  But sounds powerful right?  And look at me...ice princess....stone cold...bitchery.  I am what I am.  
Exhibit A: Total Bitchery
Smokin' Hot was born on the Twitter amongst the Bitchery Triad: Marjorie, the genius; Christina, the smart one; then there is me, I just follow them around because they are fun and pretty, and they let me.  Somehow a blog-off was born, "5 Reasons I'm Smokin' Hot and You Can't Have Any", for fun or SEO, not sure.  We take our blogging very seriously, you see.  I wonder if there is a prize involved like a pack of cigarettes, bag of Cheetos or a tiara, but really, doesn't take much to convince me to write about nonsense.  So I'm linking up with my two favorite tweeple in the world and singing my praises. 
 Exhibit B: Bitch in a Cardigan
Five Reasons I'm Smokin' Hot and You Can't Have Any:

1.  Look at me!  Seriously?  H.O.T.

{If I ever figure out Photoshop, watch out, then this might be totally legit.  You should see me on the days where I actually shower and try to look nice. I'd also probably have to shave my legs, which I don't entirely have time to do properly.}

2.  Because I'm a virgin.

{What's that?  I have two kids?  Oh, okay, born again virgin maybe?  I don't know, I'm grasping at straws, I go to church though, does that count?}

3.  I have enough laundry to do.

{Between myself and those two kids mentioned, I have enough laundry to do; I don't need to be doing your laundry too.}

4.  You'd be smitten, and then you'd stalk me.

{Don't pretend like you wouldn't.  You'd meet me one time and it would all be over, just ask those other guys with the restraining orders.  I'm flippin' irresistible and gaining momentum with this post.  Don't put yourself through the agony.  Save yourself from being the guy with the boom box standing in the rain outside my house blaring a love song. My neighbors are so over that.}

5.  Check my luggage.

{I've got baggage for miles in the form of a *censored* Ex-husband and two great and mildly annoying kids.  You gotta be strong to help carry that load...maybe a little bit crazy too. Takes a strong dude to fight for me and not walk away.}

In summation, in case 1-5 aren't serious enough for you and you think I'm a total narcissist {I am} I'll leave you with this:  You can't have any because one night stands are for the weak, fun, but not for me.  I might be alone, but I am not lonely or desperate.  Oftentimes men and women confuse alone and desperate.  I've got a good head on my shoulders, except for when I've been drinking and then it all goes to hell, but when I'm sober I respect my hotness too much to let just any loser in.  I did that once, and it didn't turn out so well.  Although I got two great kids out of it, so not a total loss. 

I want to show my daughter that I am more than a "housewife", "single-mom", "cook", "crazy Mommy blogger" or "chauffeur".  I am more than any label you will give me.  Smokin' hot is not just a physical description; purely coincidence that I happen to be attractive as well.  Smokin' hot is a manifestation of your awesomeness, what you share with the world, what you leave behind, the kind of character you have and the kind of friend you are.  I'm on freakin' fire!  You can't have any because there is a man out there that is hotter than I am waiting for me.  And if I'm fooling around with you, I might miss him.  So I'm not going to waste my time on "meh" and just wait for great, because the Triad and I deserve nothing less.  {Also plausible that this is complete crap and the triad and I will end up sharing a room in the nursing home...but seriously, I'd probably be okay with that.}

Oh snap, Bitchery Triad!

Go check out the Triad and see how they are far and away better writers than I am: Don't Call Me Marge: @marjoriemcatee and Solitary Mama: @cmajaski. Oh and follow them on Twitter too, unless you're scared. If you don't follow me on Twitter yet: @bubblegumcari, and I don't want to hear any excuses like, "I'm not on Twitter".

Everyone wants a piece of the hotness, how about you?  Why are you smokin' hot and they can't have any? {Sure this counts if you're married, whatevs}

P.S. I'm totally down for another blog-off if anyone is game,  give me a topic, let's dance. It's a new year, I have only begun to embarrass myself.


  1. Bravo! Although I have to disagree about one-night stands being for the weak. Perhaps I will disagree in the form of a lengthy blog post.

  2. I seemed to have forgotten the why you can't have any part from my post. Maybe I was secretly saying you CAN have any and I'll be swamped with secret admirers stalking my armpit photos.

    You are smokin hot. I'd totally date you if I dated womens.

    Cheers to the Bitchery Triad.

  3. @Marjorie- I figured you'd disagree with that...didn't say they weren't fun though. I'm a virgin, whatever. ;) I will live vicariously through you whilst my ovaries and sex drive shrivel up and I waste away the prime of my life.

    @Star- I know, fun right?

    @Christina- If it were the butchery triad, I'd totally ask you out. You are hot my sistas!

  4. bravo, bravo, bravo. This is why people should blog. If you can't come up with something this great, you should just bow out now.
    Wow - not even going to try to respond anymore than that. Well done ladies, check mate.

  5. I've seen you in person, no photoshop necessary!

    I'd date you.....rotflmfao!

    You know...if it weren't for the whole...relative, not gay, too old etc...thing..... lol!!!!!

    Someone out there....Please date my neice!

    (How am I doing on the whole wing man thing?)

  6. @Butter- So when are the dudes, butchery triad (?) manning up? Those are mighty kind words, you should see what we can write when we spend more than 20 minutes on it.

    @Suzi- You're fired. No, no, no. I don't need a date! I'm too smoikin' hot to be set up. (see stalker portion of the post). I love you, if I'm ever in the market for a wing man or incest, your it. And I can't believe I just typed that.

  7. Look at you with the makeup and the smiling and the freshly coiffed hair and the open eyes and stuff. You are smokin'! The Bitchery Triad is lucky to have as one of its points.

  8. @Kara- Clearly I had just rolled out of bed in that photo. I'm not even looking at the camera! Too bad the triad is 3 equal parts, or I'd totally be the ring leader. (Don't tell them I said that).

  9. I wish I was a virgin too!...ok, POOF! I'm a virgin! This is fun! I wish I had lots of money...POOF!...ok, that didn't work...I demand a recount!
    PS: You used the word 'narcissist'...I'm pretty sure I own the copyright on that word. You owe me 25 cents.
    PPS: You are smokin' hot, hairy legs and all!

  10. @Sandra- You are right, in fact, I probably owe you a buck 25 or something. If the bitchery triad were a quartet, you're in! Because frankly, doesn't get much hotter than you! For real people...unbelievable! Let's hook up for coffee and just stroke each others egos, kinda what we do in the Triad.

  11. Girl, you've got attitude to burn, and that makes you smokin' hot more than anything!
    Great post,

  12. @Eden- Thanks girl! I think the smokin' hot attitude works against me as much as for me. Being smokin' hot is not for the weary, pretty fun though! Thanks for stopping by;)

  13. One night stands for the weak?? No way! Maybe if you're in your twenties. In a smart, independent woman's forties (or more), I think one night stands should be a viable option...like a really nice pair of sex kitten shoes...pulled out and tried on when the timing is right.

    Anyway, what do I know? I just live in a Mom Cave. lol!

    This was fun!!

  14. Took me awhile to visit yr smoking hot post! Sorry ! You are smoking hot with your huge self esteem, Inner Calm & Charecter. Strong and Beautiful is what you are ! Best things to give your kids are these values so You Go Cari ! Glad we met through Triberr :)

  15. @Amy- Maybe I'll try it when I'm forty, time is tickin' away, faster than I'd like! See you on Twitter, haha!

    @Sunithi- Glad me met too! Thanks you just boosted my already inflated ego...I love you people.

    Now we all know why I blog.

  16. One thing you've done flawlessly, Cari, was to make cardigans look sexy :)

    In light of your post, well, I guess I'm also smokin' hot then. I do my best to be a good friend, and a bitch whenever necessary. I believe the world is a better place just because I'm in it. Talk about inflated egos! :)

    By the way, you're one of my picks- as if you haven't had enough of blog awards already! http://pepperrific.com/2012/01/ich-liebe-blog-awards/

  17. You never cease to amaze me Cari! I'm voiceless but giggling like an imp here ...hahaha.

    Oh, you forgot your scepter and crown! that's complete the whole B look ;) B or no B, you're still awesome!

    Ria C

  18. @Pepper- Thank you, I have haven't I? You are smokin' hot, you can hang with me anytime, especially since you gave me an award, thanks girl!

    @Ria-I think B, for sure. Glad I made you laugh, and I so need those things, I would complete the look. At least a t-shirt that says, "I'm Smokin' Hot".

  19. You don't need photoshop. Class A smoking hot hottie if you ask me! x

  20. I love that smokin' hotness is a matter of inner strength more than outer beauty --- altho that's not really fair since you three ladies are gorgeous on top of being the strong type. I'm glad you allowed for married woe-mans to declare themselves as smokin' hot, because while I'm happily married, I haven't always been a happy person. I'm smokin' hot cuz I finally got out of a crap marriage, took care of myself, got help for my mental issues, & found a guy who would appreciate my smokin' hotness. Our anniversary is next month & I am gonna lay my smokin' hot body on some vacation time --- away from home, no kids, cell phones off. *nice*


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