January 09, 2012

I Have Only Begun To Defile Myself

Anyone who reads this blog gets that title; it's been a downhill slide since I started blogging. That being said, and despite the crap I put out on my  little slice of Internet; my numbers keep growing. Often I get "shut the front door" numbers, and I curse Analytics for toying with me. Maybe I should study my demographics, most popular posts, etc.? Nah. Don't care about numbers; I just like blogging and thanks for reading! I figure at this point I can stop paying people to read this and just flat out beg; soon I may not even have to do that!
My Uncle passed away over the holidays; no sympathies please, I'm okay with death. I might be too okay with death. I tend to get giddy and cheeky at funerals; I see it more of a celebration of life, you see. {I've heard the term "masking" thrown around, no clue what that means.} And I'm a Christian, so hallelujah!

Point? Oh yes. So there was a funeral, on my mother's side...I better say blood relative that birthed me; she gets twitchy about tagging and mentions and stuff. So on said relative's side there are 8 siblings, therefore a good eleventy-hundred cousins, okay 21. We are almost like a gang, a cool super fun gang....cool and the gang, right, I'll stop. But their laughter makes me love life.
My gang of cousins, they are lethal, do NOT cross us.

Point? Right, onward. Let me tell you how much of a rock star I felt like during the funeral goings-on: every 3rd person was all, "Cari, I love your blog!" Naturally my response is, Blog? What blog? What did you read? I said nothing. But after I realized they hadn't read the post where I talked about them, it was all good. For example:

Me: Wow! Thanks for reading my blog Great Aunt Agnes; I didn't realize you knew computering!

Great Aunt Agnes: Yeah, that skank post was off the chain!

Me: Word.

GAA: You need to woman up and switch to Self-Hosted Wordpress, newbie.


The above is an actual transcript, as I rarely exaggerate for entertainment purposes.

So by the 9th relative singing my praises, my hand started cramping up from the autographs. What makes me squirmy is when someone who has loved me my whole life says, "you make me laugh, you make me cry, and you should write a book {not happening}." What would I write a book about? Cheese and sweaters? Okay you sell it, I'll write it. Obviously my family doesn't read much.

This whole family reading my stuff thing also makes me panicky, after all, I just wrote about my boobs and vajayjay 3 posts ago. Crap. Then I think for a moment, I should write something more wholesome, and say a prayer, should definitely pray. But all too soon the sass kicks in and it's all over.

Despite my best efforts to make this blog seem amusing, or good, or even readable; I won't change it, I can't. I'll always be me here, no matter how much you deny reading this blog and flippin' lovin' it, or the 1/3 chance that if you are reading this, you are related to me.

This post is dedicated to my Uncle Earl, who was far and away more famous than I. He is a true testament to a life loved to the fullest. I have never been to a funeral with a 4 hour visitation with a line to the church basement from start until finished. That is how many lives he touched. I will miss his laugh most. This laugh is for you, Earl. xo

If you are a blogger, do your relatives read your blog?  How do you feel about that?


  1. I don't understand funerals. I hope I have a burrito buffet at mine and everyone talks about how much I made them laugh.

    My family reads my blog too and also comments at family get togethers. Every 5 minutes they are also asking if "this" is going to be on the blog. Most of the time I say no but I put it on the blog anyway. Because it's funny.

    Great post for your Uncle Earl. Pretty sure he would've liked it ;)

  2. I have a Great Aunt Agnes too! She's a 94-year-old nun and uses the internet. Sweet Jesus. Certainly, she doesn't read my blog. Now my hands are sweaty.

    I must admit, I choose not to publish certain posts involving throttling certain family members. If anything were to happen, I don't need the FBI all up in my grill.

  3. @Christina- Burrito buffet would be awesome! I feel the same way, no tears, just celebrate my awesomeness. I still need to leave you my blog passwords and such just in case I do kick it, you can let my 11 adoring non-related fans know. That would be a spot in the Triad would be open. I fully expect some kind of floral arrangement from the Triad btw.

    @Kara- Haha! Right? Dang your family is hard-core. I think mine would just unfriend me on Facebook or something.

  4. My mom has asked about my blog, but luckily she is not computer savvy in the least. My sister reads it and some friends, but otherwise it is no one I know! Is it weird I am comfortable sharing certain parts of my love with strangers and not loved ones?

  5. Family reading your blog? Wow. I can't get my own mom to read my blog. Maybe your family loves you? Maybe that is the difference. I think my family is afraid of the truths I might tell. They have yet to realize everything I do is not all about them. Thanks you for the entertainment. Love the blog

  6. I don't think my family reads my blog. Well, okay, some of them on my dad's side do but nobody ever really talks about it.

    I wish I could be at my own funeral. I mean, like, consciously present. With my luck no one would show and I'd spend the rest of my afterlife depressed.

  7. Having people tell me they read my blog makes me want to make a new one, on the side, that is totally anonymous, and tell NO ONE. So that I can be a total beeoch.

  8. I'm pretty sure you would be signing autographs for Uncle Earl if he hadn't been bouncing off the walls of whatever afterlife there is and fistbumping Jesus and the rest of the crew! No wonder you family love it, you've got a fab blog, don't change a thing! x

  9. @SingleMama- No that's not weird at all. In fact it is part of the reason we all blog, no harsh judgment from loved ones. Word to the wise, that's how mine started, now look, half the state of Wisconsin reads me! I'm okay with that;-)

    @Army- I don't really blog about my family a lot, because they scare me quite frankly...look at them! So I will just continue to poke fun at myself, public schools, skanks and grocery checkout boys.

    @Marjorie- Heck of a way to spend the afterlife. Christina and I will come to the funeral, we'll be in the front row and do a Friday Fun Facts: Why We Love Marjorie Edition. Then we will hunt down the perp who tragically took your life. The Triad never dies, never.

    @Bonnie- That would be sweet. I have already crossed the biatch threshold and so there is no turning back now.

    @Jen- Thanks Miss Scarlet, you're always so sweet. And yes, exactly...mayhem I tell you!

  10. I found out that some people in my family read my blog all the time! Clearly, they don't know about yours or they'd ditch me. I'll keep your corner of the internet my little secret! ;)

  11. Ugh. I'm originally from a small town. My parents read my blog. My siblings. Aunts and cousins. Former school teachers and classmates. I'm convinced it's the only way my page sees the light of day. I'm honest about what I write, but I also can't be very personal. Oh, and when I wrote about that disaster of a trip home to my parents' over the holidays, well, I simply "forgot" to mention that I smuggled in some wine to get me through the whole affair...hiccup.

  12. I freaking love your great aunt! What a hoot. My dad's perverted septuagenarian man friends read my blog and then report back to my dad. Yuck.

  13. My family is too normal to write about, I would get no traffic. My inlaws though, I could write a book... But my wife would kill me. Then nobody would be at my funeral, because my parents never leave the house.

  14. @Suzi- Yep.

    @Cam- Whatevs, I love your blog! Your way more fashionable than me too. And cute, you're cute gosh darn it!

    @Amy- That just sucks. I think I still deny much of my family reads it, and if they've been reading this whole time without sending hate emails I think I'm good. We drink a lot too.

    @Kvetchmom- What did you just call me? Okay, going to have to google that. Smarty pants. And eewww, pervs aren't good.

    @DIcharge- My in-laws used to read this even after I got divorced and report to my ex. I told them to knock it off, think it worked; but the ex still reads it. He clearly can't get over me or something. Writing about in-laws is def something that has to be done anonymously otherwise dog house eminent.

  15. I think Mom read my blog once, she said "Yeah, I checked out your blog, what's it called, whiskers and ponytails or something."

    Impressive that you impressed your relatives with your blogging skilz, family is often the most tricky group to impress.

  16. @Beard-Ha! Bet she reads more than you think. Obviously not hard to impress my family, you see what I write; the apple doesn't fall far from the tree perhaps?

  17. Oh, I hate that my mom reads my blog! Oftentimes, I'm too cautious about what I write. I can't be as free-wheeling as I'd want to. So sometimes, I make up for that in the comments section of others' blogs ;)

    1. Pepper- Pretty sure my Mom reads mine, I don't care though, she never mentions it; I never mention it. I also like that you used "free-wheeling", you have gone rogue.

  18. Funerals make me twitchy, I always say the wrong thing, kind of like hospitals. My family usually just gets up early and sneaks out quietly, leaving me unaware until I wake up in an empty house, J/K. Your blog is and always has been hilarious, a definite bright spot in my day when I see you have posted. :)

    I found out fairly early on that my grandma reads my blog, she made the comment that I should write a book too. I highly doubt anyone wants to read a book full of panic attacks and Walmart trips. Knowing my Grandmother and my mom read my blog, makes me nervous, and it makes me not say a lot of the things I would normally say. My last post is more me than most people know. I don't post about certain topics for fear "they" will see. I think I am going to just say screw it and start posting it anyway. Who cares what they think, I love me, they should to. :-P

    1. Angel- Screw it! Our blogs are sort of a window into our souls. I think a side of us our families don't see, or don't recognize because they are family. I think my family loves me more for the vulnerabilites I show. And really, as long as you aren't smack talking them, it gives you release. Thanks for your sweet words; still going with the separated at birth scenario.

  19. I hate funerals... because I get all smiley seeing people I haven't seen in forever. But then you feel kinda bad smiling and be so excited to see everyone. There is always cake and pie and I like those too. I laugh when I am nervous and I get nervous when I feel guilty about smiling. Then to top it off I get sweaty feet when I am nervous... sweaty feet in dress shoes is terrible.

    Then there are the non-old funerals for people/young ones who didn't live long enough and those are are just terrible...

    I wouldn't mess with your gang of cousins in a back ally - or in Walgreens. :)

  20. @Nessa- Oh girl, slip sliding at a funeral, not good, not good at all! How did you know we had a rumble at Walgreens? I like your cheeky side;)

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