March 26, 2012

Then I Cried...The Ugly Cry


Tonight my son said, “I love you, Mom”. 

Unprompted.  Unscripted.  Out of the blue, with a hug.  This may not seem like a big deal to you, it may be something you hear everyday from your child.  But I don’t hear that everyday.  Only a few months ago did I hear those words for the first time ever from my five year son with Autism.  Usually he will say, “Love you” after I say, “love you buddy”.  And I was completely content with that little miracle.  But he has never, ever said that to me without me saying it first.  I was just making cheeseburgers and bam!  He does love cheeseburgers.

I’ve been crying for two hours.  Bad too.  I’m talking the ugly cry.  I’m paralyzed by bliss.  Funny that the people I can’t wait to share it with most tomorrow are his therapists.  They are more like our extended family; they are my rock and lifeline.  I am so grateful for them.  These miracles, these moments make all the sacrifice worth it.  But I love you makes everything in life worth while.

Tonight my son said, “I love you, Mom”. 

And I said a prayer of thanks for all the opportunity that my family and son has been given and think of those less fortunate, and of those who may never hear those words.  To be very honest I think this moment of wonderful was actually a moment of grace from the big guy upstairs.  As of late, I’ve been having quite the pity party when it comes to Autism.  My son got pulled from his mainstream pre-school classroom to back to Special Education.  He cannot tolerate the noise of 17 children and struggles to stay regulated the entire two hours.  I’ve also come to grips with the fact that he will be in a special education classroom in the fall for Kindergarten.  I know it is for the best, it just isn’t what I wanted for him.  It is hard to relinquish that control over our children’s life and do what is best for them, rather than what we want them to do. 

Tonight my son said, “I love you, Mom”. 

And I could die happy.  Autism has taught me to lead a life of simplicity and find calm and stillness. Seems contradictory when you think of everything we do.  I still have my moments of crazy, pretty often actually.  What can I say, the blog cleans up the mess.

I don’t know much, nor am I an expert on anything.  I’m hardly an expert on my own life. But I do know the exact reason I was put on this Earth was to be that kid’s Mom.  Nobody could do it better than I.  I will fight for him until my dying day.  I don’t have any great wisdom to impart; I actually just prefer to make you all smile. 

For all the parents reading that have “typical” or “normal” children, just realize that not all the bad moments in life are bad.  When your child lies to you, it’s a blessing, because they CAN.  When they have a meltdown at the checkout counter because they aren’t getting candy, embrace that as a blessing because they aren’t melting down because the fluorescent lights are buzzing.  Having temper tantrums for not getting what you want is normal.  When your child says, “will you play with me”, stop what you are doing and play because they can ASK.  Blessings aren’t disguised in life; we only choose to open our eyes and see them or ignore them and want for more.

My hope for you today is that you can find that moment of grace that will fill your heart and soul.






43 comments:

  1. Oh good grief. Now I'm crying the ugly cry.Bitches cry too. Love you guys lots.

    So happy for you.

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    1. Yep, bitches do cry. So do grown men, fyi. Love back atcha girl!

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  2. Good for you and Gabe, a quiet blessing!!

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  3. That is SO FANTASTIC!!! What a great feeling for you! Ugly cry...absolutely! I'd send you a virtual hug but the last time I tried that I was told it looked like a virtual vagina. ;P

    OK...I know you're dying to see it. Here ya go
    ({})

    I'm still smiling. :D

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    1. Omgoodness! The virtual vagina has me laughing so hard. Thanks for the smile, as always;)

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  4. I understand this. My 10-year-old said it once. I still remember every second of that event.

    Congratulations to you! And, even though we learn to become accustomed to the fact that their love for us is quiet...still there but silenced....it is so nice when it finds a voice!

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    1. Amen. I know I shouldn't be greedy, but I hope it happens again. Even if not, that one time will see me through. Now if I could get him to start scripting that instead of Cars 2, life would be perfect.

      A-Z in a few days girl, whoo-hoo!

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  5. Great moment, thanks for sharing. :)

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    1. Well thanks for reading:) Definitely an awesome moment to share.

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  6. You touched my heart :) Take for granted the simple things!! Here's to many more of those cries :) Hugz !!

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    1. Thanks, Sue. I think I'm going to get a t-shirt made I'm so excited! It's easy for all of us to get side-tracked and forget to notice the blessings. Love when really cool ones like this happen to put me back on track;)

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  7. I cannot tell you how much this post moved me. I read it late last night, & it's been on my mind all day. I'm not always the most patient mother --- thank you for the gentle reminder to stop taking my child for granted. I will never again choose work over play, & will hug my little girl as tight as she'll let me. I'm so happy your son was able to voice his affection for you --- obviously you're a fabulous mommy! I'm glad to have made a new online "friend"!
    xoxo
    Andi-Roo

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    1. None of us are the most patient or perfect parent. We all have our moments and days. But the days pass by so quickly, sometimes it's nice to remember to slow down and take it all in. Thanks, Andi-Roo;)

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  8. Yay!! I a so excited for you, this post had me tearing up. I will be honest, I needed this today. I was totally having a "woe is me, why does my kid hate me today" kind of day. I needed this perspective shift. You are so very right, we should not take our kids for granted they are the most precious gift, even when they act like heathens, lol.

    I am so happy for you and while I know you will be happy with it happening the once, I hope it happens many more times. You are such a beautiful person with a wonderful heart!

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    1. You too and I'm glad to know you! The woe way overshadows everything else sometimes...happens to me a lot. Before you know it we'll be sending them off to college...waaaaaa. I know, that was inappropriate. Love ya!

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  9. I am crying. Thanks for sharing something so personal and reminding me that blessings are part of everyday life.

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    1. Girl, you should have seen me, I was a mess...mascara running down my face and all. Pathetic. Glad I have a platform to share my kiddos awesomeness though;)

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  10. Awww...now I'm crying too. You're supposed to make me laugh! ;) Thank you for the awesome reminder to all of us to appreciate whatever it is that we have and to look for those blessings. It's easy to forget that.

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    1. Oh don't worry I'll be back to my normal crap tomorrow. I'm about to go all A-Z challenge on ya, muahhahaha. You still have time to join us, you know.

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  11. Beautiful post. Your blog has definitely been one to open my eyes to autism. I'm thankful that you share your heart here. I really am.

    When you're on the other side it's hard not to take things for granted. It's not even something you do on purpose. I appreciate the reminders to stop and realize our blessings even if they come in the form of a tantrum over candy. :)

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  12. and since everyone else admitted it... yes, I'm crying too. Darn you!

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    1. Girl, no body cried as hard as I did. Drippy nose and all...okay TMI there. :) But thank you for your lovely comment. Sometimes I feel guilty for not blogging about Autism more.

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  13. Oh Carri... big fat pregnant lady crocodile tears spilling down my cheeks over here for you and for your son. He is so very lucky to have you as his mother.

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    1. AND I bet you're as cute as can be too. Thanks hon, I'm the lucky one really.

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  14. Oh god Cari I had tears in my eyes reading this, I feel so happy for you xxx

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    1. Thanks Miss Scarlett. Pretty darn awesome moment.

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  15. That is awesome! So glad he was able to tell you!

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    1. Thanks, Anna! Me too, as a Mom you know they love you; but it sure is nice to hear it.

      Nice hat, girl!

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  16. I had a Great reading here!

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  17. I am SO VERY HAPPY for you, Cari! I know how amazing this is. The unscripted, unprompted "I love you's" are a fairly recent phenomena around my house, too. It's a great feeling. ((hugs))

    -Angela

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    1. I am so happy to hear that! Great is right. I love you can power me through infinite meltdowns. Hugs right back, Mama!

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  18. I think I just cried with you there, Cari...
    Thanks for the reminder that life is beautiful. Oh, I'm so happy to hear that your son is making progress. Now, I know what love and happiness truly mean...

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    1. Thanks, Pepper, but you know already. You know.

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  19. I love the blessing in the last line!

    -----Damyanti, Co-host A to Z Challenge April 2012

    Twitter: @AprilA2Z
    #atozchallenge

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    1. Thanks dear. Looking forward to the challenge too!

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