Yesterday I had an out of body experience. Not in reference to death; but when you are in a moment, outside of yourself, just listening, quietly and intently, knowing that in that moment you are experiencing some growth or self-realization or awareness. I was blessed to be in the company of three truly remarkable women. Three women just dipping their toes into the pools of divorce and all the pain, toil and distress it brings. I too was there almost three years ago.
Now one would think amongst their stories of betrayal, abuse and manipulation; we would've had a grand ol' time ex-bashing. But quite the contrary. I saw how they were not just broken at this moment in time, but how they had turned on themselves. I'll give you an example, I heard:
How could I have been so blind?
How could I not have known?
I should've left a long time ago.
How will I ever trust again?
My thoughts raced back three years prior, and I felt my chest tightening and I remember what it was like to cry more than not to cry. And I remember how I felt like an idiot, and hurt, and damaged, and used. And I told them it would pass, and everything would be okay. All wounds will heal when you allow yourself to love again. Not dating love. Just love. Love for life. Love for self. Love that makes you get up and get dressed in the morning and brush your teeth.
What infuriates me the most is that these men did not just rob these beautiful women of their trust for one person, but now they will be wary of every person. They didn't "see" it because love is blind. We want to believe and should believe that people are innately good deep down inside and will do the right thing and be faithful and nurturing spouses until death do us part. That in my opinion is how it should be. We should have no reason for suspicion because a marriage cannot be built on suspicion. So I see nothing stupid about trusting your spouse.
I know they will find their way through the storm and inner conflict because I did. And I'm happier than I've ever been, and I'm free, and I trust again. Time heals wounds if you let it and don't get caught up in the anger. If you don't let go of the anger, it will consume you, and you will never be able to move on; only be angry. I know they won't allow the anger to swallow them up. There is far too much beauty inside them to let anger fester. I see it in their eyes and smiles, I see their strength although they may not.
And I sat there, listening and watching. Remembering to be grateful to have made it through the storm.
Everything will be okay.
Everything is okay.