April 26, 2012

I Can Never Die

Today I had to work on updating my will.  As in six feet under, dead and gone.  I have not updated it since my divorce three years ago, and now I am standing in a very different place in my life: single Mom, son with Autism, two kids, only custodial parent.  I came to a realization this morning; I just can't die.

I think everyone could relate to this post, but especially parents with children with special needs.  My son is only five, and although he has made leaps and bounds, I have no idea what the future holds for him.  Although my wish is that he will lead a productive, self-sufficient life, I have no way of knowing if that is a possibility.

There is nobody who can take care of my kids like I will.  Nobody.  In the process of deciding "who gets them" when I'm gone, I had to set the 'love' portion aside.  Lots of family and friends love my children, they will never want for that.  But caring for a child with special needs takes more than love; it's a full-time job.  Who will be willing to fight for him?  Who will be willing to do the hours of research necessary for his therapy?  Who will be willing to carry out my wishes for his restrictive diet?  Who will be willing to devote themselves to hours and hours of paperwork without lapsing or giving up or in?

Good enough is not in the plan for my children, it isn't an option.  Is there anyone who will see over the burden and love them as a blessing?  When I really sat down to think that question through, I found answers that I didn't care to see.  I know that I am not alone in the Autism community when I say; sometimes family is the biggest hurdle.  It's hard when those closest to us don't care to learn more about the disability that encompasses our kid's lives.  Albeit there are many families that do, I'm generalizing and speaking from experience.  

I don't have any fears in life, sans this one.  Everything else that is thrown at me I can handle, not being here to see my kids through to adulthood scares the hell out of me.

Do you have a will?  Does it provide relief knowing your kids will be taken care of, or anxiety?

Will: "W", A-Z Challenge

14 comments:

  1. Nothing provokes more anxiety in me than the thought of dying. I don't have a will, and know I should. I lost my father when I was in 3rd grade, and can't imagine my girls going through the same thing; I often look at them thinking they could never make it through. I can't even imagine the worries I would have if they had special needs. Hugs to you!

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    1. Anna, so sorry about your Dad, I can't imagine. I think special needs or not, all parents feel the same anxiety. I just feel like I'm lumping a big ol' burden on someone too. {not the kids, but the work that goes along with it}.

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  2. Yes! You are right! This is the scariest point of a mom's life. It's the feeling you don't stop thinking about in all crisis moments. but.....there will come a day when you finally do breathe a little easier. I'm feeling very confident (looking from the outside) that your little guy is going to be ok to deal...your little gal is going to be ok to deal...it's that thing called faith...it won't be anywhere near what you imagine their lives to be like...only that they can deal with life and they are ok. God is a control freak for a reason. We don't have a choice but to give it up to Him. Let Him take over and he won't let you down.
    p.s. I hope I'm on that list of people to consider helping out in case of need...I'm just putting that out there:) Love you all....

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    1. Absolutely a consideration, and a good one.;) For as much as I talk about faith on this blog, here is the one place I struggle. I know God will take care of everything and it will be okay, but I'm having trouble with releasing my control beyond the grave, lol.

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  3. I had a new will done during my divorce - my lawyer insisted on it. I'm relieved to know that my son is taken care of if something happens to me. But I also have a deal with God - I'm not allowed to die unless Jayden is able to take care of himself. We've discussed it nearly every day since he was born. :D

    Seriously, I just CANNOT die. Not allowed. Not possible. I can't even think about it.

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    1. Usually I don't think about it either. Hate that I've been forced to and my stomach has been in knots for days. I know it will be okay, now I just have to convince myself of that.

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  4. Had I been able to put my law degree to use, I would be practicing wills and estates law. I love this area. It's an interest of mine. And yet, when I read through our own paperwork and the decisions we've made over who will handle the decisions for our sons' varying needs, I had to set that document down so many times because I SOBBED. I SOBBED at the thought of their future without me. I can't fight it. It will happen one day. I hope it is far, far, far into the future. But it scares the pants off of me.

    Wills are the hardest thing to do, but ignoring them would be a disservice for your kids. Good for you.

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    1. So right! And yes, lots of sobbing on this end too. Luckily or unluckily, I have written a 9 pages novel about my wishes where my kids are concerned. I also included the words, "I will haunt you from the grave if you don't follow through". Subtle.

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  5. Our will was last updated when our kids (now in their early 30's) were toddlers. Good grief. I can now die anytime. But I remember the horror of thinking my time might be up before they are grown. The bottom line is - we can't control that anyway. The best we can do is be the best parent possible, so if we go first, our kids will have good memories.

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    1. Great perspective. This is not me living in the moment, it's me living in the 'what if' and I hate that.

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  6. EEP! My husband & I do not have wills, & thanks to you, I now know what we will be spending some time focusing on during his upcoming vacation. I think I've been avoiding it because I know it's bound to be a hairy situation with the ex & his hoe-bag, skank of a girlfriend trying to screw things up for me. But still, being a grown-up means taking care of grown-up things. We will go through this & endure what must be endured, because it's not about us. It's about the kids. Thanks, Cari --- I needed that kick in the arse! :)

    Andi-Roo /// @theworld4realz
    http://www.theworld4realz.com/
    theworldforrealz@gmail.com

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    1. Well you should then also thank my parents who have badgered me for 3 years to do so. I was never the right time then though, probably because the situation with the kid's Dad is tricky. But now done and I feel a great sense of peace. Don't do this on your vacation, just enjoy that. I cried too hard the last few days over this...don't spend vacation memories doing that.;)

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