April 27, 2012

Talking About Not Having Sexxx: My Rebuttal


A little over a month ago, I wrote a post over at Circle of Moms about my sex life; or lack thereof.   I bravely submitted and thought it would get a few views, not 185,000+ views.  Apparently people are interested, make that very interested in why I'm not having sex.  It's a conscious choice for me.  It became very apparent that I was a voice in a sea of single parents who are making the choice not to have sex.  NOT because we don't want to; because it is a tricky and complicated addition to our already complicated lives.  I felt a follow-up post was necessary so I could explain myself a bit more and discuss some of the more disturbing comments I received.  There were so many supportive comments saying, "Whew, I'm not the only one"; others that called me a prude and a few that said I was a bitch.  Well they might all be correct.

This post will also not try to define the parameters of a "committed relationship" or right or wrong; different post entirely.  Quoting the bible is only going to help the peeps that believe in it, not those that don't.   By addressing that in this post I won't be talking about what I want to talk about and that is ME, my choices.  I am making no judgments as to what is right or wrong for you, this is only what is right for me; therefore I may discuss it anyway I please.

When I mentioned in my post "being tired...not wanting to go out...pining for my kids...” that is all true.  But I do make myself go out and do things for myself.  I might not feel like it, but this Mom knows if I don't take time for myself, I'm not a good Mama.  Hey Moms and Dads, do things for yourself!  Does that mean I'm on the prowl looking to score, no. {Seriously makes me laugh that I just said that.}

Now, "I'm to good for you".  I stand by that.  Some people thought that was a bitchy thing to say.  Well maybe, but it's true.  Let me explain.  It means I'm too good to allow myself to doubt what I feel is right.  I'm too good to give in to my physical urges, just to feel satisfied for 5 minutes and then regret it.  I'm too good because I think I'm worth more than that.

I can't get any satisfaction?  Say many of the commenters.  Yes.  Well we won't delve into that to much.  This blog is PG-13ish.  Trust me when I say, I'm all right.  Whatever your stance on sex may be, mine is this:  it isn't just an act, for most women it isn't; hopefully dudes too.  There is a lot of emotional heaviness involved there that I'm not ready to introduce into my life, or my kids.  It's not all just physical for me.  What affects me indirectly affects my kids.  Not everyone having sex is getting it on in front of the kids, not what I was saying.  It's tricky and complicated, that's what I'm saying. At least for me, and right now, I prefer uncomplicated.

The most disturbing response was from married Moms who thought I was saying I don't feel like having sex because I don't like it, so I don't; and they weren't either.  Some of those comments made me down-right sad.  IF I were married, I would hope that I'd be having sex, a lot of it.   This isn't a matter of want for me; it's a matter of choice for what I believe is right for me.  Sex is an amazing, awesome gift.  I've been married, I get the fizzle factor.  Most of the time the breakdown in that area has nothing to do with the act, there are breakdowns in other areas that lead to the lack thereof.  To those Moms sleeping in separate bedrooms and never having sex I hope you can work through that with your spouse.  You are missing out, ladies.  I could really do an entire post on the act of sex, how people use it as a weapon, how we have been taught that it is dirty or shameful; I could go on and on; frustrating. Pun fully intended.

In closing, what I set out to do by writing that article worked.  I wanted to show that the MAJORITY of single parents aren't easy and don't have men/and or women in and out of there lives or a revolving door of sexual partners.  Also, just because I'm not in a sexual relationship doesn't mean that one isn't available or I'm in need of "hooking up".  Its crazy how many marrieds want to live vicariously through me and my wild sex life; or not so wild as the case may be.  Sorry to disappoint.

I am also raising an impressionable son and daughter.  What would my advice be to them were they in my shoes?  I want to be a parent who teaches lessons by example; not do as I say, not as I do.   Although we have no choice sometimes, but here I do.  

For now, and more than likely for the foreseeable future, this is my choice; and I'm not ashamed of it.  It's also not an easy choice.  But it shows character and courage.  I'm glad I could be a voice for those who feel the same.  Being a parent is not easy for anyone, despite differing circumstances.  We are all desperately trying to find a balance between not losing ourselves as a parent and making ourselves happy.  Not sure that I have accomplished that yet, but I'm feeling pretty good about my choices so far and am joyful.  That's all I wish for you too.

Thanks to everyone who read and replied.  You can read the article, here.

32 comments:

  1. I didn't see your first article. But I give you a standing O for this one!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I'll take it...might be the only O-anything for a while.

      Delete
  2. I love, love, love, love, love, you. Did you already know that?
    I got your back....send those haters my way...
    You don't have to explain anything...but I'm sure glad you do!
    You speak what others think. And I know it's all about you...
    but it's not!
    Just keep doing what you're doing!
    p.s. I'm not having sex either. Haven't for many years... I'm now separated.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. That didn't come out right...I'll explain it differently in a private conversation.
      Love you!

      Delete
    2. Well thanks for saying so. Sometimes I think I need to keep my mouth shut, but then I realize that's not happening; so I make the best of it. Luckily, not as many haters in that group as I anticipated, but haters don't scare me much anyway.

      Delete
  3. Liked your post Cari, agree with it! Shows great strength of character I think to write your thoughts & stance on Sex! You even dealt with the married gals part which is super cool! Speak to all kinds of audience including me since I'm married.You are one of the most sensible down to earth bloggers I've seen. keeping it real !! You go gal !

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I like to keep it real, because I don't have time for nonsense; and it irritates me. Thanks for your sweet words, Sue. Hope I didn't make the married gals to mad, just made me sad for them.

      Delete
    2. Not me! Umm am the kind who believes in having a lot of it in " marriage" so works for me ;)

      Delete
  4. Cari...I admire your stance on this topic. For your children's sake, and for the fact that it is honoring to God! So refreshing to hear your views in this present age. Just stopping by from the Challenge...
    Http://4ambassadorsofchrist.blogspot.com

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks, Jarm, might be one of the things in life that I'm actually doing well. That doesn't happen often.

      Delete
  5. 1. When I left my ex, he went on what I like to refer to as a "F^CK Fest". Different girl each night, parading them in front of the kids so that they saw daddy with several various sexual partners on a regular basis. This really disappointed me; not from a jealousy standpoint, as I was already moved on by the time we actually split up. It made me sad that he didn't realize his behavior was inappropriate & potentially harmful to our kids. My son was just hitting puberty, so this was just the absolute worst behavior he could adopt as a role model. Many people acted like I was a "prude" for asking him to keep his escapades away from the kids, because after all, a man has his needs, ya know? Yes, I do know. And a woman has hers as well. But isn't there room for us to act like responsible grown-ups as opposed to apes ruled purely by instinct? I'm glad to see I'm not alone in my perspective here.

    2. I had no idea so many married women were so unhappy in their sex lives that they actually have separate bedrooms. That amazes me. Not to be overly personal, but my husband & I don't "enjoy" ourselves nearly as often as we'd like. Our home is built somewhat in a loft style, so that the entire upstairs is like one long hallway; my daughter has the middle room, & must exit by either going through our room or her brother's. I present this so that it's understood WHY we refrain for such long periods of time. I've always been somewhat sad & "frustrated" up till now, but this kind of puts things in a different light. Perhaps looking forward to those weekends when the kids are with their dad, at the same time my husband has is off work, when the stars are properly aligned & the moon isn't pulling strings, when family isn't calling in obligations, when bad health or home maintenance projects aren't wearing us out... perhaps this longing keeps our libidos healthy. You have effectively fixed my outlook here, Cari! Thank you. :)

    Andi-Roo /// @theworld4realz
    http://www.theworld4realz.com/
    theworldforrealz@gmail.com

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Well, what can I say to all that; besides you made me snort;) Lol. I wish you infinite star alignment;)

      (Not delving into the double standard between men and women when it comes to sex, another post.)

      Delete
  6. I read your post on circle of moms and then came here to read your follow up and comment. I just want to say it was a great post, and though I am a happily sexed-up married women, I have friends who are not, and single mom friends who really don't get out at all. I worry for them that they are so alone but now i can see how hard it might be to try to find someone.

    ReplyDelete
  7. I don't even think finding 'someone' is an issue; just finding someone worthy maybe. I do feel a lot of pressure from friends/family who feel like I'm "suffering" because I don't have a boyfriend. Actually, I'm okay, rather wait it out for Mr. Right, even if that is forever. I'm in no rush to jump into the wrong relationship. Done that, why repeat?

    ReplyDelete
  8. No kidding! I am perfectly fine NOT bringing a string of people in and out of my girls life. If I don't know that they will for real be in for the long haul, relationship or friendship, they don't even get close to meeting my girl. I will not have her growing up thinking that "that" is the way it is supposed to be. I want her to grow up knowing that you should be with someone special, that treats you better than good, and likes you for who you are and not what you can do for them. Giving up sex isn't so hard, it's the giving up the morals and thinking what I would think if my daughter did this, that I can't handle.

    Good for you for standing up and telling it like it is. We aren't prudes, we just have a higher standard! Love this!!!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Woot! Yeah, not a prude in the least. But it is the best decision; I can't see any other way around it without compromising something really important to me. Proud of you!

      Delete
  9. I can't imagine having 185,000 people read something I write. Holy smokes. Sex and Cari are a good combo! And I mean that. It's a relatable subject, but you are a good person to put those issues out on the table.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yeah, there is my fame, my sex-less-ness. Good thing I'm not embarrassed by much and somebody has to say it. *Pick me, pick me*;) Now how do I get that many people to listen when I talk about Autism?

      Delete
  10. Wonderful post, I applaud your decision. God's design for sexual activity is within marriage. For the very reasons you mention...it's SUPPOSED to be a full union, not just physical, it's SUPPOSED to be about commitment and protection of the heart. You stand firm, girl. If the right guy comes along, fine. If not, you are fine too. You are doing the right thing by your children. Society has made sex a god, and if we're not having it, there's something wrong with us. This is crappola and puts women under tremendous and unfair pressure. Yoiu go girl!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. That's true about sex being so over-sensationalized, it's just acceptable. That's just the level of commitment required for me, pretty sure God will oblige me at some point.

      Delete
  11. Great post, Cari! You have obviously given your choices a lot of thought, which I think perhaps some people don't always do. I applaud your decision. You have considered more than just yourself and have created your new reality in the best interest of your kids. God gave us sex as a gift (it's also an extension of an emotional and physical covenant) and you are treating it that way. Bravo! Great read, as always.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks, hon. It certainly allows me more time to do other things like make awesome t-shirts...I owe you. AND I owe your blog a visit.

      Delete
  12. Hi Carrie,
    I just wanted to say how much I loved your article for Circle of Moms and this follow up. I am also a sexless (by choice) single mother (of 3 with 2 on the spectrum), but have only tackled this topic very briefly. I have opted out of the "Mr. Right" search via traditional methods (clubs, dating websites, blind dates) that net men who hold the assumptions you speak of. Instead I have opted to get incredibly comfortable with being who I am and nurture the gifts I have in this life. Funny how not focusing on thinking I need a man has helped me attain so much. I have incedibly rich relationships with my children and my friends (both male and female). And after 10 years as a single mom, I am a year away from a PhD and have amazing kids who know their own worth! I literally cheered at your line "I'm too good for you", because in general it tends to be true in the traditional dating scene.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Kathi, thank you for sharing this! And your story was the same for so many of those women who commented on the original article. It was reassuring to hear women saying, "me too", because I was starting to feel like the only. It still wouldn't have deterred me; but it saddened me. Go Dr. Kathi!

      Delete
  13. Bravo! Round of Applause - Standing Ovation! Love how candid you are and strong in your convictions. I truly applaud you AND agree with your stance! :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks ALWAYS for your support, Cam! Feels good to be able to share it.

      Delete
  14. Oh, Cari you make me cry...

    You are so brave, strong, wise ... I'm running out of adjectives here... You're everything I'd want to be (the mutual hotness is already there, so you can cross that off the list).

    There were some things I did in the past which I'm not particularly proud of. I do regret them, but I believe I have learned my lesson. I was selfish, and immature. I was a single mom gone wild.

    Reading your post helps put things in perspective. Yes, I'd want to be that role model for my daughter.

    Thanks, Cari...

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. From one hottie to another listen...I'm in no way perfect, nor am I a saint nor do I claim to be. I've made my share of mistakes and made bad decisions. Not condoning my bad choices, but they are in the past. All I can do now is forgive myself, and make better decisions for myself and my family. I am a firm believer that every choice I have made in my life, good or bad, no matter the consequences has shaped who I am today. I am just frustrated with how many women feel they need a man to feel worthy, of anything. People don't claim worth on other people, we share life with them. I may change my tune when I'm 90 years old and say, "damn, wish I had more sex". That'll totally embarrass my kids, haha! Hang in there, you're a good Mama.

      Delete
  15. Thanks again, Cari.

    First thing's first... I must forgive myself, and then move forward from there.

    I feel I need a major mindset overhaul here. Sorry if I turned your comments section into a life-coaching session :)

    I really appreciate all your advice. It's all in the execution now...

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. It's all good, Ms. Pepper! You'll be great! We all grow, I have a lot more to do in this lifetime for sure. Lots of hugs your way!

      Delete

Let me know what you think by posting a comment or sending me an email, bubblegumonmyshoe@yahoo.com. I promise not to stalk you if you do!