July 31, 2012

Snakes Don't Do Tricks, Kid

Outside my window there is a huge, {I can only imagine huge, having not seen it} toad, bullfrog, ribbiting monstrosity patiently waiting to slime me. Whatever, I know that's what frogs do.  And no, I'm not Googling the variety of frog and deciphering the croak for technical accuracy for this post.  Why you ask? Because I don't care, and I want someone to kill that frog.  Now as I sit here, wanting said frog dead, plotting murder, but unwilling to actually catch it myself, I think, "gee, glad my daughter is asleep". Again, why?  Because she would want to go catch it and keep it for a pet.  Just like every little woodland creature, mouse, bug, tadpole, snail, slug, caterpillar, ant, grasshopper, or anaconda we happen upon.

I hear you toad-frog.

My daughter is an anomaly, well at least I think she is.  Part princess diva, part tom-boy.  How is that possible?  The bigger question is I didn't sign up for that!  Sure no choices yada, yada, but isn't there someone else in the parenting pool who was  a little bit more equipped than me?  I am all for nurturing who your child is and giving them tools for success.  But if that means a pet snake, then  I'm a cold-hearted rotten Mommy.  There will be nothing of a slithery nature, rodent-like, or anything with antennae dwelling under my roof without me setting some kind of trap for it.

My daughter diva as she may be, also has a kind heart.  This I can appreciate about her, no, I love that about her.  But I don't need tears for killing an ant.  No joke, she will pick up any insect or critter and set them free in the wild. Inevitably if reincarnation happens to exist, she will be fine and I will come back as an ant in the shadow of a gigantic magnifying glass.  Whatevs, my cross to bear.  {See how I did that? Nice little religion joke all rolled....yeah}

If you are going to have a pet, shouldn't it do something?  By something I mean tricks.  {Now Cari rationalizes} So far, snakes can't do tricks, they just coil up and look all snaky and gross.  I would never sleep again, this is for certain.  I consider the creepy crawly type "pets" to be more on the science experiment side of the scale. 



My point is, if there is a point, it that I am not cut out for the slime-slithering side of parenting.  Really let's think about it.  These animals are always synonymous with Halloween.  That is by design.  It scares people!  Halloween is telling us, do not domesticate these slimy 800 legged things, they will escape from their habitat and you will find the pet tarantula in your purse....and enter heart attack.  See, it's just dangerous.

So I'm pretty sure God just doesn't get his laughs by letting people win the lottery, and instead loves to freak me out when I see my kid approaching me holding some sort of wild snake {apparently they are corn snakes}. They are all poisonous in my book, one being less poisonous than another does not make me want to stick around.  So go ahead, God, get your laughs, I'm going to buy a lottery ticket.


15 comments:

  1. I've heard frogs are poisonous too. No thanks on all of it. I don't really even like the outdoors or nature. Kid however, is similar to yours and loves little slimy gross things. She also likes mud for some odd reason...which is ALSO highly poisonous. Yep, Googled it. Don't need a source because we blog.

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    1. Bahahahaha! If it's in writing, it MUST be true! Fools, fools, fools. That's another post entirely, but I do like how you caught onto that, that was for you, you know.

      I teeter on the inside/outside girl line. I love the outdoors, I like to hike, be outside when I can. Camping, meh, not my favorite thing. The germaphobe in me likes running water. I can do cabins, but it's the mosquitoes that make me run indoors.

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  2. I grew up in India with a zoologist for a dad & lived near a huge wild park. My dad was always picking up snakes, weird crawlers and other stuff and putting them in bottles or cages to show his students & then setting them free. So I guess those were my pets for sometime. You kid maybe going in that direction am thinking .... :)Cannot handle pets though ( now that is ) I love them, but too much work. the most my kids have had are goldfish! Told them they can get pets when they grow old enough to rear them on their own. Figure my kids give me enough to do without adding a pet to that list :)Oh and the kind heart in your kid, know where that came from :)

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    1. Wow! That is cool! I'd imagine you got to see a lot of cool stuff, and gross slimy stuff. *shiver* I am with you on the pet thing. These kids aren't getting a pet until they are begging to pick up poop, because I'm not doing it! We had 3 goldfish, Dory I, II and III, RIP.

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  3. Sister, you better never, ever, ever visit this house. Ever. Hahahahahahaaaa!


    Very funny post. As usual. You are so witty. I need to go read something. My brain is dead.

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    1. Omgosh, I totally forgot you live in snake-maggedon! Yes, you are correct, I shall never visit you. We will have to meet elsewhere, like a vineyard, where it's snake-less. I could've died about your post with the skull. DIED!!!

      I'd imagine your brain is dead from blogging 399 times so far this year, over-achiever;) I'm totally jealous.

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  4. I'm with ya. Snakes are just unnecessary. They're not to be trusted (says Eve.) I don't know their purpose, but I don't think we'd miss them. Same with flies.

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  5. Would not miss them one bit. Someone posted a video of a cobra eating a mouse filled python on Facebook today. I almost dissolved my account.

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