August 12, 2012

Thanks for screwing up relationships, Jerry McGuire!

Unless you live under a rock, or have been incarcerated for a long, long time, you would be familiar with the movie Jerry McGuire, sports agent gone rogue (Tom Cruise) with single Mom love interest (Renee Zellweger) which gave birth to THE, in my opinion, most irritating quotes of all time.  Actually, having that movie on an 18 hour loop in prison would be punishment enough.  I once was stuck on a cruise ship during 911 and the only thing on the television for 7 straight days was that dumb Mel Gibson movie where he hears women talking, but I digress.

I like the preface of the movie, guy goes nuts, woman supports him, he kind of falls for woman out of guilt (yeah, you know he did), woman realizes she is the only one in love and oh yeah she has a kid, enter break-up, guy says he's not a quitter but not sure he loves her, love her or lose her, buh-bye heart throb, and fairy tale ending crazy dude magically comes to his senses and realizes he loves woman and her kid.

"You complete me".

"You had me at hello."

"Show me the money."

"Show me the money."  No qualms, irritating yes, but bring it.

You had me at hello I can deal with.  That doesn't sound the least bit romantic to me, it actually sounds kind of stalkerish and freaky.  Really, if a dude said that to me in real life, I'd probably give him my squinty eye and go home.  All I have to say about that one is that some things sound better coming out of two gorgeous actors mouths when they are knee-deep in totally unrealistic circumstances.  Jerry McGuire isn't based on a true story is it?  Should've done my research.

My main concern is "YOU COMPLETE ME".  Women swoon over this line.  I don't get it.  I like romantic gestures and sweet nothings, sure do, but that line is a load of crap.  I will go as far to say that line has totally and completely destroyed what people are looking for in a relationship and their expectations of what a relationship should be. 

I'm not scarred and bitter, okay, only slightly, but I felt this way even when I was married, just to clarify.  To need someone to complete you, would mean that you were void of something, empty, not enough?  Why are we looking for the "other half" in a relationship?  That is a ton of pressure on the other person.

Sorry Bill, I have to break up with you, you don't complete me.

That would be an unacceptable reason to give someone when breaking it off, why is it an acceptable reason to move forward?

When dating, or in a relationship, shouldn't we find our complement?  I find in friendships, my best friends are my opposites, sure we have a lot in common, but I'm drawn to their brilliance, or frugality, or fantastic ability to decorate and organize.  They are the Ellen to my Oprah.  We can have so much fun together because they can talk me down from going all Thelma and Louise and I can get them drunk when they've had a bad day.  My part of the friendship is way easier than theirs.

Perhaps it's my independent nature.  But I don't want to feel lost when I don't have my other half.  Lonely okay, sad, sure, miss them, yeah whatever.  But my partner should build me up, be there for me, and love me for who I am without them.  I know I'm already enough, totally imperfect, but perfect for someone.  I am already happy and content; a relationship is just the icing.  Nothing is lost without that in my life; there is only something to gain. But I will tell you now; you don't get to content without being willing to do the work to get there.

Inevitably almost always in marriage we reach points of disconnect.  We grow despite a marriage, and rarely on the same time table.  So if someone completes you, yet we keep growing, it's only a matter of time before they have no place.  We wonder where does everything fit?  Marriage and relationships need on-going re-examination.  We have to look at our partner and say, what do they need?  That is a two way street.  A connection or goose bumps only last so long before we have to decide to put in the work or walk away. 

So I wonder are we waiting for the person who will make us feel whole?  The person who will fix us?  The "one" who will heal all of our hurt?  In my mind that person doesn't exist.  I fear that is a dangerous way of thinking.  When we convince ourselves of that, we are taking a shortcut.

 No road is easy in life, this is for certain, there are hills and there are valleys. I don't want someone to carry me, just someone to walk beside me.  There is no benefit to either of us if he carries me.  He gets weary, I get bored and fat.

So please, America, let's lay "you complete me" to rest.  We are far too good for that nonsense.

So talk to me.  What say you, "you complete me", love it or hate it?





   

49 comments:

  1. The harsh and bitter truth is only you can complete yourself. No one can or should be expected to "complete" you.

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    1. Exactly. But the truth will set you free! When people finally accept they can't fix anyone or be fixed, oh glory that's a good thing;)

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  2. I totally agree with you. I have been bothered by that statement for years. Ive always thought, "I don't want someone to complete me; I want someone who complements me." I am a work in progress, and likely always will be, but it is up to me to be my own, whole person. Looking outward for completion only sets you up for failure. Not to mention (as I mention it) that relying on another person to complete you can leave one open to a controlling or abusive partner.

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    1. Great point. Big difference between compromise and power. It just seems so suffocating to think oh, that's the guy, I'm good...forever. Not as in not the same guy forever, but just that I'm done growing. No thanks, not for me, I like to expand my horizons and crazy nonsense like that.

      Haven't seen you around in a while, missy! Hope you are well.;)

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  3. Fucking hate it.

    It's a thing I hate about any couple... "My better half." "Where would I be without you // where would you be without me?" "Where two are joined into one." "I cannot live without you in my life."

    There is no magic formula, no magic transformation, no easy or perfect relationship. I love a good date flick, but an asshole doesn't immediately turn into Mr. or Mrs. Awesome because of someone's love, nor does any one person complete any other. Please. Love is beautiful and amazing and healthy and scary. But loving someone doesn't make them - or you - better unless someone chooses to be better. If you're saying "You complete me," it'd better be in Pirate: "You complete me laundry, lad/lass."

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    1. Bahahaha, say it and ye walk the plank!

      I agree a good movie is just that, a little escape from reality. Relationship ying and yang, gotta find the balance to make it work.

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  4. Good post. I always thought the line was stupid. We all need to be complete in ourselves b4 we can best contribute to a relationship. Hollywood has never portrayed healthy relationships. It's always about glamor and romance and fantasy, b/c the hard work of a real relationship wouldn't sell. It's my belief that only God makes us whole, anyway. Human relationships will always be flawed to some degree, b/c we are human. Once we are secure in God's love for us, human love is more sustainable. Another line I think did a lot of damage was from "Love Story" (in the 70"s): "love means never having to say you're sorry." What hoo-ha. Love certainly means you're willing to say you're sorry, and you'll do so when needed. We need to quit looking to movies to set the standards. Wow, that was longer than I thought it would be. :-)

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    1. Hoo-ha for sure! Love means saying you're sorry all.the.time. Not to mention keeping our mouths shut sometimes, walking away or letting things go. There is no such thing as a perfect relationship. And I love romantic movies, but realistically, I know that's not going to happen. I think you're on point with God. He lifts me up and keeps me going and gives me strength to follow my dreams and become who he wants me to be.

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  5. I have to admit that for the longest time, I have been so sucked in by the whole Jerry M. school of thought.

    A million posts ago, you convinced me that nobody completes us. “I complete me”, I think was what you said. I totally buy that, but I am still painstakingly working towards independence. I have been dependent on men (yes, it’s a plural) ever since I can remember, that it’s been a struggle not to think about my prince charming waiting in the wings.

    I should work on “completing” or rebuilding myself without relying on other people to fill in the gaps. I owe this to myself and to my daughter. I wouldn’t mind if she grew up with Renee Zellweger’s lips, but I’d want her to have strength of character- something which I seem to have a deficiency of.

    Cari, you COMPLEMENT me :). Thanks from the bottom of my heart...

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    1. Seriously, Pepper, that made me want to cry. I don't want to change you (okay I do, totally do) but I know you are a strong, amazing woman. You have everything you need at this moment to be self-reliant. Relying on people isn't always bad, it's a very good thing. We can't do everything on our own, we aren't meant to be made of steel. Then we lose the softness, the funny, the sweetness.

      I really have to admit that a prince charming sounds a heck of a lot easier though. Life can be hard, and harden us; I'm sure we all dream that all that hard stuff would just go away instantly.

      Love ya girl!

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    2. I'll just roll with the punches, I guess. But you're right. I have all I need to be self-reliant. Tough times don't last...tough people do, right?

      Don't worry, I'm getting Jerry M. out of my system. Especially now that he and Katie H. are divorced.

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  6. I'm not American and while I haven't been hiding under a rock I acutally haven't seen the movie .. but i totally get where you are coming from. I don't think I've ever thought about someone completing me. Being my other half, my squeeze, my soul mate ... but for me the best line in a movie is when Dory says to Marlin when trying to convince him to let her go with him after he thinks Nemo has been flushed down the loo ... 'When I'm with you I'm home'. I just love that. Home is where the heart is, it may not always be perfect, but it feels right.

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    1. Well you have lucked out! Do not under any circumstances see that film.

      Not sure where I stand on the whole soul mate issue either. The idea of there being someone for everyone, I don't know if I buy it.

      Great quote. We just have to trust our instincts;)

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  7. Sorry. Was just going to text you this morning and tell you how much you complete me. It is kinda true. For example, say you only have one arm and your soul mate gives you one of his. That's some completing shiznit.

    IRL however, a guy I know who is 50 something (no kids even) and single told me that he is happy being single and in order for a relationship to make sense he has to be AS happy or happier. Never a truer word...not gonna tell you all the ridiculous stuff he said. But this one struck me.

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    1. I knew it. Well as much as I love you, I wouldn't give you an arm. I know, harsh. But what the heck good is that if we are both pecking away at the iphone/computer with one hand? See this way, I can transcribe for you, I'd do that. I'd also give you a kidney, it's in writing, so it's true.

      50 is smart. I love that.

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  8. Yep ! Such a corny phrase. Been married some years and love my husband but would never think he completes me !!! The only one who can complete me is me and pretty sure am not even close to complete :) Like you said Opposites can complement each other and that's what I feel he does for me. Practical guy while I'm the dreamer and kids get benefit of both ! I always thought the highlight in that movie was that cutie kid !! Always wondered if Jerry would have ended up with Renee if it wasn't for the kid! Like what you said about walking beside each other and not carrying each others burdens or baggage. That would lead to burn out! Nice post !

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    1. So glad you have found that complement in your life. Yes, I agree the kid made the movie, he was precious. I dare not even delve in the single mom/kid portion of why I don't like the movie. Hugs!

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  9. I hate cheesy lines. And I don't need someone to complete me, I am whole, I just want someone to have a blast with. Like a best friend with the added bonus of a rocking sex life.

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    1. Girl, yes. Copy and paste and ditto.;)

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  10. OMG!! I just hated that movie and all its crappy lines but my friends were all swooning over it so I just shut my mouth!! Thank you, thank you! I am posting this all over my Facebook page now!!

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    1. Well, I'm glad I could be of service and thanks for sharing. Yeah, I never got the chicks who loved it, blinded by the eye candy, I say.

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  11. My favorite movie line to say to women is, "You want I should wash the dead bugs off your windshield?"

    Blues Brothers. It's scary how many things I say from that movie and don't even realize it.

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    1. I consider that better than, "you complete me" by leaps and bounds. I don't think I say random movie lines, gangsta rap, maybe, but not movie lines;)

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  12. Wonderful post! Thank you for slamming the sappiest, least realistic Tom-Cruise-adoration-fest-rom-com to ever get produced... did I mention I hate this movie and all the co-dependency garbage it promotes? hehehe

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    1. Thank you! Yeah, I totally know why Cameron Crowe thinks he's the, "king of the world". Because he has people regurgitating Jerry McGuire and reciting lines of Titanic. Blah.

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  13. Urgh I HATE that line. I mean, imagine if someone said it to you in real life! I'm so glad I'm not the only woman who thinks this! xxx

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    1. I think someone said it to me in real life once, and I was all, "are you drunk?" Fact is, I wouldn't be with someone who would regurgitate that anyway.

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  14. well, stated!

    it's a nice sentiment, a nice thought, actually. maybe people just like to hear it said to them, because it is painfully romantic. do people actually believe in it, though? do people actually look for that? quest for it?

    or do people just want to hear it from their partner?

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    1. Very philosophical, my friend. Both, or uh all. I believe people seek it. Or perhaps not seek it, but when in a relationship I think if they don't "feel" that way about someone, they think the relationship is a failure. There are probably 99 other reasons the relationship is a failure.

      Do people like to hear that crap? Yup. Obviously or this movie wouldn't have women (and maybe Molly's husband) swooning. Personally I wouldn't want to hear it, I would much rather hear something honest and less cinematic, like, "you should be a super model" or "you're the best writer in the world". Just kidding, not for all the smoke blowing who-ha, just an honest compliment works for me. Now that brings a whole other topic to light entirely, women (a large majority) can't accept compliments...so yeah, no win.

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  15. My husband thinks that the fact that he likes this movie makes him "sensitive." (He's wrong.) I never got the appeal of it. I never bought the love story, and I hated the "you complete me" BS. But I never mind looking at Tom Cruise, as long as it's not in real life so the crazy can't rub off.

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    1. Bahahaha, he is cray-cray! Tom that is, not your hubs. So based on that theory, if you like Titanic, does that mean you love historical pieces?

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  16. I hate that movie too, but largely due to the fact I hate Tom Cruise. Sadly there are many movies out there that I think paint the wrong picture of what love is. I didn't find love until I finally came to a place in my life where I was happy with my self and had finally stopped looking for 'Mr Right' because I was truly content with where I was in life. After a year of the most contented single life I found my husband. I am blessed to say I fell in love with my best friend after we had been friends for 10 years. And while I would say I would be lost without him and my daughter it isn't because they complete me. Saying 'complete me' would imply that I am not a whole person. I would be lost because I love having them in my life and I love who I am with them. I didn't learn that from Hollywood, I learned from experience and from amazing examples in my life.

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    1. Oh, love that story! I'm so very happy for you. I think that is the way to go. So many single people feel like they are less than if they aren't in a relationship, or, they can't be happy without someone. Sadly this usually just leads to bad decisions and many a Mr. Wrong. I think it's a disservice to our potential partner to be anything less healed, comfortable in our own skin, and really know who we are. Thanks, Laura.

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  17. Yep, hate it! Along with codependent love songs like, "I'm All Out of Love, I'm So Lost Without You". Wretch.

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    1. Well, Kara, I can't live...if living is without you, I can't live...can't live anymore. Yeah, you know.

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  18. Greetings!

    I participated in the A to Z Challenge and am slowly working my way through visiting the other participant's blogs. Nice to meet you! You have a lovely blog...

    Take care,

    Donna L Martin
    http://www.donnalmartin.com
    http://www.donasdays.blogspot.com

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    1. Thanks for dropping by! I'm going to return the favor.

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  19. "You had me at..."Thanks for screwing up relationships"......

    You're awesome :)

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    1. Had to be said:) I speak truth. Mostly.

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  20. Aw, I thought it was a cute movie. And the lines don't bother me. I started to disagree with your take on the the whole "You complete me" thing, till you clarified by saying your partner should COMPLIMENT you. I guess in my mind the two are the same. I mean, my hubz & I are the same in many areas, but completely different in how we go about processing those areas. So in that sense, he really does complete what's lacking in my abilities, & vice versa. But this is also a way of saying that our skills & ideas are complimentary. So I guess I don't really mind how it's phrased, so long as it means we get to be together in the end. We've been married 5 happy years & are looking forward to many more. Even though sometimes we do want to beat each other over the head. And neither of us thinks of the other as the "better half". I know I'm always right... & he likewise knows HE is always right. No room for "better" when we're both the best in our own minds, lolz!!!

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    1. Happy five and many more! I think when you think of it in those terms, it sounds okay to me. You always explain things so nicely. I don't like the poor chick who can't live without a guy and feels incomplete without a guy. I suppose that is from where my anger stems. See it too much, I guess. Thanks, Andi.

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