What To Say When There Are No Words...

My regularly scheduled post on how the 5 ways I’m like Mr. T, has been postponed.  Yes, I know you are disappointed; you pity the fool and all that jazz. As you know though, as is in my life, when something needs to be said, I need to spew it out, otherwise is a mangled mess.

I have a dear friend going through a very dark time in her life.  A time similar to my journey what seems forever, but not so long ago.  Knowing exactly what she is going through, it would seem I have the perfect thing to say.  But I don’t, because there is no perfect thing to say.  I think back to that time, when I was reeling in devastation and the world was very dark around me, and wonder what pulled me through.  Was it words of wisdom, revenge, kindness of strangers, God? 

When our loved ones hurt, all we can offer is hope.  We want so badly to take the pain away, that we try every cliché’ in the book to resurrect them to their unbroken glory.  But truth be told, I think only listening, some hugs and perhaps a bottle of wine are the only true helps.

There are some things, my friend, that I will not tell you:

God Only Gives You What You Can Handle

That has to be the worst saying ever, and here is why: God didn’t give you any of this.  God did not choose addiction or deceit, only humans make those choices.  The burden falls to the transgressor, it is their actions that have brought pain; God only offers a hand.  We can curl up and turn away or take a chance and reach out and walk to greatness.  With God in our lives, our burdens are lessened; we don’t have as much to carry.

You’ll Come Out Of This Stronger

Maybe you will, maybe you won’t.  Doesn’t’ make it worth it that is for certain. My hope is that you will, but it will only prove the strength you already have and your will to fight.  People will say, “Be strong”, but really, what other choice is there?  Despair offers two choices, concession to darkness or perseverance.  Many choose to become a victim of circumstance and stay stagnant in distress, paralyzed, unable to move forward, because it’s scary.  We then allow that to define us, our lives, we live and breathe it, we make excuses to be comfortable in it.  You can be defined as wounded or warrior, the choice is yours, the path long, and oftentimes it is hard to differentiate which side is which.

You’ll Meet Someone Wonderful Someday

Maybe you will, maybe you won’t.  But you won’t meet the right one until you are ready.  Loneliness is one hard pill to swallow.  And though we are never truly alone, life without a partner or companionship is hard and arduous.  I think in my journey, it was important to discover that I would be okay despite being alone.  That I was phenomenal without someone else.  That my happiness did not depend on another person, and still it does not depend on another person.  My own happiness is mine alone.  You DO NOT NEED SAVING. Loving someone and being loved are icing on my double chocolate espresso cake, my friend.  When you are complete, it will find you when you least expect it, but let it in.  When it’s right, it won’t be scary.  I know because I know, and am lucky to have a man I love in my life who did not ride in on a white horse to save me, he did not make everything bad go away, he did not promise me the world; but he makes me smile like I haven’t smiled in a long time.

I Won’t Tell You Your Ex Is A D-bag

Okay, I might once, because some things have to be said.  But I know outlining his faults doesn’t make you feel better, it only hurts worse.  Love isn’t something we can turn off.  You may love him for the rest of your life.  But I know that hurts to the core.  We want to be angry, and I think that is healthy.  Anger sparks change unless we bend to revenge.

I Won’t Tell You What To Do

I’m not going to lie and say I haven’t got advice for mile as far as what you need to do from here on out.  But what you need and what I think you need are probably very different.  Only you know where to go from here.  Even not knowing is a choice.  Sometimes the best choice.  When we don’t have a definitive plan, we allow so many more opportunities to open up for us.  Sitting in despair won’t bring opportunity, but neither will pushing limitations when we are weak.  Gather your strength, feel your courage within before you walk; you will be better prepared for the journey.  There is no rush.

What I can tell you is this.

This will hurt for a while.  This will be the hardest thing that has ever happened to you.  It’s going to suck.  Tomorrow might suck just as badly, but it is a new day.  It’s okay to embrace the total suckiness of the situation, I in fact encourage it. I like to call this the Adele Stage.   Maybe a blog is born, who knows?

Someday, it won’t hurt so badly.  Someday, the tears will lessen.  Someday, you won’t feel as broken as you did yesterday.  Someday, you will be able to smile again. 

Today, breathe in and out, if that is all you can do.  Don’t try to be strong for anyone and take care of yourself.  Let the tears wash away the hurt; allow your wounds some fresh air.  There will be scars on your soul, always.  There has to be no definition to your journey, close your eyes and walk willingly, trusting God will take you there.

I know, because I know, that everything will be okay.  In great despair, is amazing grace.  Grab on, beautiful friend, your life is waiting.