October 06, 2012

What To Say When There Are No Words...


My regularly scheduled post on how the 5 ways I’m like Mr. T, has been postponed.  Yes, I know you are disappointed; you pity the fool and all that jazz. As you know though, as is in my life, when something needs to be said, I need to spew it out, otherwise is a mangled mess.

I have a dear friend going through a very dark time in her life.  A time similar to my journey what seems forever, but not so long ago.  Knowing exactly what she is going through, it would seem I have the perfect thing to say.  But I don’t, because there is no perfect thing to say.  I think back to that time, when I was reeling in devastation and the world was very dark around me, and wonder what pulled me through.  Was it words of wisdom, revenge, kindness of strangers, God? 

When our loved ones hurt, all we can offer is hope.  We want so badly to take the pain away, that we try every cliché’ in the book to resurrect them to their unbroken glory.  But truth be told, I think only listening, some hugs and perhaps a bottle of wine are the only true helps.

There are some things, my friend, that I will not tell you:

God Only Gives You What You Can Handle

That has to be the worst saying ever, and here is why: God didn’t give you any of this.  God did not choose addiction or deceit, only humans make those choices.  The burden falls to the transgressor, it is their actions that have brought pain; God only offers a hand.  We can curl up and turn away or take a chance and reach out and walk to greatness.  With God in our lives, our burdens are lessened; we don’t have as much to carry.

You’ll Come Out Of This Stronger

Maybe you will, maybe you won’t.  Doesn’t’ make it worth it that is for certain. My hope is that you will, but it will only prove the strength you already have and your will to fight.  People will say, “Be strong”, but really, what other choice is there?  Despair offers two choices, concession to darkness or perseverance.  Many choose to become a victim of circumstance and stay stagnant in distress, paralyzed, unable to move forward, because it’s scary.  We then allow that to define us, our lives, we live and breathe it, we make excuses to be comfortable in it.  You can be defined as wounded or warrior, the choice is yours, the path long, and oftentimes it is hard to differentiate which side is which.

You’ll Meet Someone Wonderful Someday

Maybe you will, maybe you won’t.  But you won’t meet the right one until you are ready.  Loneliness is one hard pill to swallow.  And though we are never truly alone, life without a partner or companionship is hard and arduous.  I think in my journey, it was important to discover that I would be okay despite being alone.  That I was phenomenal without someone else.  That my happiness did not depend on another person, and still it does not depend on another person.  My own happiness is mine alone.  You DO NOT NEED SAVING. Loving someone and being loved are icing on my double chocolate espresso cake, my friend.  When you are complete, it will find you when you least expect it, but let it in.  When it’s right, it won’t be scary.  I know because I know, and am lucky to have a man I love in my life who did not ride in on a white horse to save me, he did not make everything bad go away, he did not promise me the world; but he makes me smile like I haven’t smiled in a long time.

I Won’t Tell You Your Ex Is A D-bag

Okay, I might once, because some things have to be said.  But I know outlining his faults doesn’t make you feel better, it only hurts worse.  Love isn’t something we can turn off.  You may love him for the rest of your life.  But I know that hurts to the core.  We want to be angry, and I think that is healthy.  Anger sparks change unless we bend to revenge.

I Won’t Tell You What To Do

I’m not going to lie and say I haven’t got advice for mile as far as what you need to do from here on out.  But what you need and what I think you need are probably very different.  Only you know where to go from here.  Even not knowing is a choice.  Sometimes the best choice.  When we don’t have a definitive plan, we allow so many more opportunities to open up for us.  Sitting in despair won’t bring opportunity, but neither will pushing limitations when we are weak.  Gather your strength, feel your courage within before you walk; you will be better prepared for the journey.  There is no rush.

What I can tell you is this.

This will hurt for a while.  This will be the hardest thing that has ever happened to you.  It’s going to suck.  Tomorrow might suck just as badly, but it is a new day.  It’s okay to embrace the total suckiness of the situation, I in fact encourage it. I like to call this the Adele Stage.   Maybe a blog is born, who knows?

Someday, it won’t hurt so badly.  Someday, the tears will lessen.  Someday, you won’t feel as broken as you did yesterday.  Someday, you will be able to smile again. 

Today, breathe in and out, if that is all you can do.  Don’t try to be strong for anyone and take care of yourself.  Let the tears wash away the hurt; allow your wounds some fresh air.  There will be scars on your soul, always.  There has to be no definition to your journey, close your eyes and walk willingly, trusting God will take you there.

I know, because I know, that everything will be okay.  In great despair, is amazing grace.  Grab on, beautiful friend, your life is waiting.


25 comments:

  1. Your first point is excellent. I've never found that statement helpful either. God is only love; humans create all the crap. I think only God completes us. No human being can do that, b/c we're not perfect. At some point, we disappoint each other, even with the best of intentions. Once we embrace that God is a loving creator, and that he is trustworthy, relationships become healthier, and not such a struggle. Praying for peace for your friend.

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  2. Thanks, lovely lady. Agree with all you say there.

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  3. You are wise beyond your years my little grasshopper. Your friend hit the jackpot with you. :D

    DI

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    1. I have my moments, I should star them or print them out;) Or maybe the other way around, I was lucky to have her shoulder when my world crashed in on me.

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  4. I never know what to say so I agree that the best thing is to just listen. People don't want to hear all of the trite cliches (I don't anyway)and it doesn't fix anything. When things suck, they suck and trying to wrap it up in pretty paper may come across as saying "well it doesn't really suck that bad" when it really does. Strength for your friend. And of course a reminder that it will get better...not just saying it. It really does. Btw, congrats ;)

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    1. Thanks, lady. I agree, we say those things because we feel like we have to say something, but we don't. Not saying anything lets them be heard. Otherwise we're saying put on a happy face til the pain goes away, well sometimes, you just can't, nor do you want to.

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  5. ..... (¯`v´¯)♥
    .......•.¸.•´
    ....¸.•´
    ... (
    ☻/
    /▌♥♥
    / \ ♥♥


    You inspire me.

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  6. What a beautifully written piece, you do have a wonderful way with words.xxx

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    1. Thanks so much for reading it:)

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  7. Beautiful post!
    So important to be there silently for your friend. Listening, hugging, supporting.
    Sometimes we as people feel we need to try to heal the hurt with words, but truly,that usually just muddies the waters while someone is in deep hurt.
    I'll be praying healing and wisdom for your friend.
    She's lucky to have a friend like you.

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    1. Thanks for the prayers, my dear. Good advice, Gina!

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  8. Beautiful post as always ! Wise words from one who takes life in her stride and gives from her soul. Yes ! sometimes the best thing you can for someone is just listen, without judging. When I need to vent, I like to talk & just knowing that the person is listening is all I need ( you know that too ;) Continue to be the strong listener that you are. So glad stuff if working out ! love xoxox !

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    1. Thanks, Sue! She's going to be great!

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  9. Cari, I actally wanted to sit at my computer and applaud this post when I got to the end! So beautiful, and so you! xxx

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    1. Thanks, Scarlett, that means a lot.

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  10. You sound like a great friend. I've been through the same recently (i blogged about it not long ago - it's called 'dancing with the stars once again') and i have to say it's been the worst experience of my life - and I've had a few. I really wish your friend all the best; and please tell her she's not alone, and that the sun will shine again - that's what i keep trying to tell myself. It doesn't always work but we've got to have hope ...

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    1. Keep hanging in there! I'm hoping over to read!

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  11. I love that... the Adele stage :). LOL

    Oh, Cari, about a month ago, I was an emotional wreck. Something heartbreaking happened to me. I still cry sometimes, but it doesn't feel as gut-wrenching as it used to. During my grieving moments, I stayed away from my so-called "friends", because they gave me all the advice I didn't want to hear. I should have just turned to you instead...

    Didn't someone say that "you don't get over the pain, you just get used to it..."

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    1. Oh, Pepper, that just breaks my heart. You know I'm just an email away if you need an ear. I hope that you are finding some healing and strength...well meaning friends are, well...well meaning. Do you need me to break out some nkotb??? I'll do it, it would give me a valid excuse.

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