November 10, 2012

Texting While Driving & Other Dumb Ways To Die

You either text while you drive or you don't.  Now I realize this is a one way ticket to Jesus.  In my past life {or 6 months ago} there is a good probability you might find me texting, or tweeting, while driving.  Don't judge.  In my defense, if there can be one, I never did while my kids were in my car, so instead of killing all 3 of us, I only theoretically kill myself and leave them orphaned. Here comes the insane rationalization... In dead stop, bumper to bumper traffic, the Twitter would just call to me, and if I scrolled through, I might have had to reply a time or two.  What turned me around?  This little conversation with the bff:

I am en route to the airport to pick up bff.  Bff texts me that she has landed and asks where we should meet.  I, driving to the airport, text back, this is important after all.  Later, she scolded me for texting while driving although conveniently forgets she texted me first knowing good and well I was driving...

As you all know I'm not much of a phone talker, unless you’re a super cute dude trying to sweep me off my feet, so I live and breathe by text and email.  Bff always feels the need to add at the end of her texts, "Not driving are you?"  Bossy pants.  Well there is only so much a girl can take before she cracks to the relentless mothering of her dear, sweet friend, and quits.  Cold turkey, baby.  I might also add, this explains my decline in brilliant tweeting during the 5 o'clock hour. Thus, my tweeting entirely.  Sorry friends.

I'd like to say that is the only stupid thing I could do to end up six feet under, but alas, there are more dumb ways I could die:

I get lost:  To those who know me, they know I am directionally challenged.  And when I say challenged, I mean don't even speak to me in fancy North, South, East, West talk.  I need landmarks, mileage and minutes.  In my defense I have a little driving anxiety which leads to panic attacks every so often, so to say that one day I might be trying to navigate to the gas station on the west-side and end up in the Bermuda Triangle is not far off.  If I get lost in downtowu, uptown or the outskirts of town,  I will curl up and die, especially if it's at night.  Thank sweet baby Jesus for my iPhone with Google maps, MapQuest, iMap, maps 'r us, and let me map it out for you dummy apps.

Fall into a well:  Like little Jessica? No.  I'm not that teensy.  My well would involve damp dark sewer water and bats, I know it would.  I am pretty much a klutz, so if there is a well that needs tripping over, I'm your gal.  Remember that well in Silence of the Lambs? That's my pit of doom right there.

Cut off my own finger while cooking and bleed to death:  My kid's get total blame for this one.  I am usually conscious of what I am doing whilst slicing and dicing in the kitchen, but every so often, I need to scream something along these lines:

Stop hitting your brother!
What did you say? /Knock it off? /Now what?
Glue does not go in hair.
How bad is it bleeding?

Don't judge.  I know you've said at least 3-4 of those today.  I'm here for you.  So as I'm debating whether an E.R. visit is necessary, I continue chopping away, debating a tourniquet and slice, right on the ol' finger.  Now there are two of us in the E.R.

I get really famous:  Never say never, this blog could blow up one day, and I mean that figuratively not literally; although I have almost blown up this blog a time or two, literally.  Savvy?  Everyone knows when there is an extremely interesting famous person, like no one else; they die a tragic and sudden death.  So I, being unique and interesting would be doomed if I were famous like the other icons: Marilyn Monroe, Elvis, Michael Jackson, Princess Dianna, and RIP.

Let's you and I keep this blog on the down-low so I can live out a long-ass life.  This reminds me I need to give Christina my password to the blog so she can write a really moving post on my behalf when I die.  However, if she and I go out Thelma and Louise style, you'll be out of luck, yet more than likely see it on the six o'clock news.

On a more serious note, a heartfelt thanks to all of our veterans who have served our country that allow me the freedom to post stupid crap like this.  Happy Veteran's Day!


  1. I can relate to your "slice and dice" method having nearly bled to death after "peeling" my thumb off...while drying the vegetable peeler I might add. Oish.

    I can barely text standing still so glad to hear you aren't texting and driving anymore. :D

    1. I've become a master at the one-handed text, but yeah, no more while driving. I really don't want that to be my I said, dumber things I could do.

      Gonna be sad if I kick it before the uni-brow gets waxed off...not a pretty picture;)

  2. I read this moving story about a young woman who died texting to her fiancee. Will forget it. She texted "me too" to her fiancee's " can't wait to kiss you " & those were her last words. She crashed in seconds. The fiancee shared the story. DH often reads his work email while driving & it freaks me out. He insists it's just reading & " not texting " but I give him such a hard time.. he's scared to at-least when I'm around. I prefer the intercom system in the car or putiing your phone on speaker while driving. Just get freaked out after hearing that story. Seeing my kid is 14, texts a lot and will be driving soon, freaks me out ! But let's see. By then maybe they'll have some voice " hands free " texting or something ! Ok, long comment ! Good post and I get lost too esp in unfamiliar territory. I use a GPS & kitchen accidents are my speciality too !

    1. Okay, that's totally sad. But, I'm glad you shared because that just solidifies why we shouldn't text and drive. I don't blame you, it's easy to get distracted.

      I have heard of a program, or phone, for teenage drivers that turns off when they are in a moving vehicle. Might be worth checking out...

  3. I always planned on having someone blog AS me after I'm gone so it appears as though I've lived to be 200 years old. So, if you give me your password, that's probably what I'll do...pretend like I'm you kinda like I do now. Sometimes. Unfortunately, these are all ways I could die too so I may not be around to keep the BubbleGum going...

    Call me a skeptic but I'm always suspicious of the "one text caused an accident in seconds" stories. A PI law firm was using a story in an ad about how a girl sent ONE text and then crashed into a tree. I'm not sure how that happens, as trees don't generally leap out in front of you. So either you are doing A LOT of texting (and not just one) or you are distracted for a bit longer than a second. Why doesn't anyone ever call out the people who try to assemble a chicken fajita and stuff their faces while driving?

    1. Well, if you started blogging as me, this blog would get infinitely better and quick, I'd/you'd be famous. Then you could pretend to be me in real life, we are already twins, and collect the royalties or coupons;) This also means you have to take care of my kids as not to arose suspicion, so sorry about that.

      Word about the eating while driving. Having driven the 3 hour trip in rush hour per day, I cannot believe what I see some morons doing. Putting on a full face of make-up with the rear view mirror is always good. Also, I'll never understand the drivers that drive with one foot sticking out the driver's side window, gross and disturbing.

  4. I wear nail polish because I've found that the knife just bounces right off it.

    I stopped driving and texting years ago ... when I got the iPhone and couldn't "feel" the buttons. But I still text at red lights, so I don't quite feel right saying I don't text and drive.

    This summer I read a story about a text argument while driving and they guy tried to end it by saying "I better stop texting before I get into an accident and die." He ended up driving off a cliff. Don't worry, he didn't die.

  5. Now I have hours of reading to do! I absolutely love you already and this is only my second post! ♥

    1. Thanks, Jo. Don't overdo it, can only take me in small doses:)

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