July 31, 2012

Snakes Don't Do Tricks, Kid

Outside my window there is a huge, {I can only imagine huge, having not seen it} toad, bullfrog, ribbiting monstrosity patiently waiting to slime me. Whatever, I know that's what frogs do.  And no, I'm not Googling the variety of frog and deciphering the croak for technical accuracy for this post.  Why you ask? Because I don't care, and I want someone to kill that frog.  Now as I sit here, wanting said frog dead, plotting murder, but unwilling to actually catch it myself, I think, "gee, glad my daughter is asleep". Again, why?  Because she would want to go catch it and keep it for a pet.  Just like every little woodland creature, mouse, bug, tadpole, snail, slug, caterpillar, ant, grasshopper, or anaconda we happen upon.

I hear you toad-frog.

My daughter is an anomaly, well at least I think she is.  Part princess diva, part tom-boy.  How is that possible?  The bigger question is I didn't sign up for that!  Sure no choices yada, yada, but isn't there someone else in the parenting pool who was  a little bit more equipped than me?  I am all for nurturing who your child is and giving them tools for success.  But if that means a pet snake, then  I'm a cold-hearted rotten Mommy.  There will be nothing of a slithery nature, rodent-like, or anything with antennae dwelling under my roof without me setting some kind of trap for it.

My daughter diva as she may be, also has a kind heart.  This I can appreciate about her, no, I love that about her.  But I don't need tears for killing an ant.  No joke, she will pick up any insect or critter and set them free in the wild. Inevitably if reincarnation happens to exist, she will be fine and I will come back as an ant in the shadow of a gigantic magnifying glass.  Whatevs, my cross to bear.  {See how I did that? Nice little religion joke all rolled....yeah}

If you are going to have a pet, shouldn't it do something?  By something I mean tricks.  {Now Cari rationalizes} So far, snakes can't do tricks, they just coil up and look all snaky and gross.  I would never sleep again, this is for certain.  I consider the creepy crawly type "pets" to be more on the science experiment side of the scale. 



My point is, if there is a point, it that I am not cut out for the slime-slithering side of parenting.  Really let's think about it.  These animals are always synonymous with Halloween.  That is by design.  It scares people!  Halloween is telling us, do not domesticate these slimy 800 legged things, they will escape from their habitat and you will find the pet tarantula in your purse....and enter heart attack.  See, it's just dangerous.

So I'm pretty sure God just doesn't get his laughs by letting people win the lottery, and instead loves to freak me out when I see my kid approaching me holding some sort of wild snake {apparently they are corn snakes}. They are all poisonous in my book, one being less poisonous than another does not make me want to stick around.  So go ahead, God, get your laughs, I'm going to buy a lottery ticket.


July 16, 2012

The Apocalypse And Detox

I am writing this post from the sandy beach of Hawaii.  Okay, total fabrication, I am writing from my desk...in my house...dreaming of sandy beach.  If life were a little more Hawaii and a little less, oh, crazy, for all intents and purposes, everything would be just peachy.  Don't worry a state of the blog address is on the docket for later this week.

So because I like to torture myself and drag others along for the ride, I am in the process of doing a detoxifying cleanse with my bffs, Christina and Sue.  Without the coffee it's all a blur as to if they dragged me into this or I volunteered.  I'm weak, and I might actually cut someone for some carbs.

Detox Smoothie: cucumber, watermelon, spinach, grapes &kiwi. Yes quite good, but no Starbucks.


Not only am I detoxifying my body, but my life.  Oh yeah, baby, I even quit my job.  That was before the detox, so don't worry.  But it's good for us to step back, de-clutter and simplify.  Even when it comes to social media.  That's right, I said it, unplugging.  I do it.  Obviously I do it, I haven't blogged for weeks; however I did write a very entertaining article over at Parent Society, good ahead, I'll wait.

It might mention something about fried squirrel, my latest addiction and if there is any truth to the rumor that I live in a van down by the river.

See ya over there.

July 01, 2012

10 Things You Can't Escape At A Family Picnic

America, (and Canada) it is time to celebrate.  We commemorate our freedom and the inevitable things that are bound to happen at your family picnic.  Family picnics get a bad rap because there is no perfect family.  Some families live a little closer to dysfunction junction than others, but we all have our moments, so who is to judge. 

Maybe we could have some fun and make this a quiz:
1-5 "yes that's happened to me"=normal family
6-8 "yes, that's happened to me"= probably teetering on crazy town
9+ "yes, that's happened to me"= get checked out, and welcome, there is a support group, I am the President

Ten Things That Will Happen At Your Family Picnic:

Blow Off A Body Part

What is a family picnic without illegal fireworks?  Somebody is going to procure some illegal pyrotechnics and possibly injure themselves while putting on a show.  While fingers are the limb most likely to be lost, be careful of burns and deafness also.  I'd like to offer you some firework safety advice, but I don't have any.  They scare me, I'm a wimp. I like to watch them from a far distance, we are talking miles.  I'm already worried Aunt Velma is going to catch 'Sparklers gone Wild' on her iphone.  Be safe will you...and if you do blow off your finger, put it on ice, they might be able to re-attach it. Also notable, the next time you're in the firework tent spending a fortune, count the dude's fingers. If he tells you he lost them in Vietnam, he's lying. I will also take this opportunity to thank our service men and women, thank you.

What Did You Say?
 
Don’t' say something bad about my Grandma or anyone's Grandma for that matter.  You just shouldn't talk about peoples Grandmothers.  It will bring out the scrappy in almost anyone, and people who usually aren't scrappy can be scary scrappy when it matters. 

Food Poisoning
 
Watch what you eat.  I'm sure Aunt Betty's potato salad is fabulous, but if it has been sitting out in the sun for a few hours, you should probably steer clear and have some chips.  They are probably soggy and aren't healthy I know, but food poisoning is not fun.

Food Fight

In the moment food fights might be fun, but it's all fun and games until someone gets an apple chucked in the eye socket. An apple at top speed square in the eye only gives you a black eye and no street cred.  In fact, I will never live it down.  I need to get my 7 year old into baseball.

Nudity
 
Don't jump in the pool in a bikini.  Just don't do that unless you are okay with public nudity.  I know I'm not the only victim of pool jumping nudity, just learn from your mistakes. Also be prepared for a heavy debate on whether your bikini malfunction actually showed nipple; very embarrassing.

Fight!
 
Fights at family picnics and weddings are pretty much a given.  Sure, I know you have grievances to get off your chest; however, there is a time and a place.  NEVER in the history of the world was a family picnic the ideal place to "talk it out".  We all know after 3 glasses of liquid courage this won't be about the money they owe you, it will get ugly and escalate fast.  Naturally after Grandma breaks it up by threatening a heart attack, you only look a fool.  The family will eye you for 6 months afterwards wondering if you are going to pull a repeat performance at the Christmas festivities.  By the way, you should also not shout, "Hey whore" across the park, yes, I witnessed that.  For reference, I am neither the whore or whore caller. 

French Indian

It is summer.  The sun is not discriminating and will put the burn on you.  You will offer, beg and tell some of your relatives to wear sunscreen and they will pshaw you because they have one eleventy-thousandth of Indian in them and "don't burn".  Suffice to say, they will look like a lobster by the end of the day.  Wear some sunscreen for crying out loud, even if you don't burn.  Nothing takes the fun out of the 4th more than a lobster red sunburn and possible skin cancer.  {Some weatherman weathermen blame their fake tan on the lil bit of French Indian in their blood, whatever you say, Barlow.}
My great, great, great grandfather...


Don't Eat The Kids Food

 Don't deny to your child that you ate their last S'more.  Nobody, I mean nobody can eat a gooey s'more without getting marshmallow on their face, it's physically impossible. So the evidence is clearly all over your face and then you have been caught in a lie.   Nothing breaks all credibility as a parent than being caught in a lie, and you may never live it down.  Again, know nothing about this, but I plead the 5th, S'mores are delicious.


Port-O-Pot Faux Pas

Do NOT forget your flip flops when going to the Port-o-Pot/Biffy/Portable Restroom.  This seems like a no brainer, but I wouldn't feel the need to tell you if I hadn't witnessed it first hand myself.  I would also go potty before you leave home.  If you find it necessary to visit the porto-lieu, make it snappy, hot summer days don't make those things smell so fresh.

What Did You Forget?

You are bound to forget something, just make the best of it.  But usually somebody has to make a run to the store for plates, spoons, ice, napkins, etc.  I find even when making a list this happens, and then I'm only harder on myself because I made a list and still forgot stuff.  May as well forgo the list and wing it.

Family

Yes, you can't escape family at a family picnic.  Wild or subdued as they may be they are your family.  We can't choose our family in this life, might as well go with the list advice and make the best of it.  Families will accept you for all your crazy, black-eyes, and nipple flashing; most forgive.  The good ones have your back through thick and thin.  Our families know our histories, and still support us.  Yes, as dysfunctional as they may be, they are ours.  Love them while they're here, you'll look back fondly on the stories of the family picnics when you're old....and faking your very own heart attack.

Have a safe and happy Happy Fourth of July, and Canada Day to all my Canadian peeps!


 Did I forget anything?  I'm sure this could've been a list of 20 easy...what else can't you escape at family picnics?